I get home from the city and I get called into WW bedroom. She asked me if I was on drugs or have been drinking. I said no. She starts asking me why I have been so short and curt. I respond to her saying that I am answering her questions she asks. She kept saying that I was being rude and an a$$hole. I listened and somewhat validated. Then the conversation goes into us paying off our debt so that when (if?) we D, the judge won't make me pay more alimony. I told her that it's not too much of a concern of mine. I repeatedly tell her that I intend on wrapping this up and I am keeping the house. We talked a little more logistics.
We continue our conversation on why I have "put up a wall around me" and that she has to yell over the walls to get to me. I again tell her I communicate anything when it comes to our D4 or house. I then begin to allude about her R to OM and I lead the conversation to what I say next:
I tell her that I see that she has moved on. She said "well, I can't say that I moved on". She said that a few times. I am thinking that she is still trying to get me as a romantic partner or something else. Whatever. As ovr said:
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Don't try mind reading why she's doing that or what her exact thoughts are.
She then continues to talk about the events that lead to our sitch and not only I validated, I told her that I recognized the immense amount of damage I did leading up to BD and that I am working on learning my lessons so that I do not make the same mistakes again. She told me how our MR died last summer and I told that I know. I again told her that I recognized my role in this. I told her that I have forgiven myself. She kind of got upset and asked me how I can forgive myself and not W. I knew this may have been a trap question because I was going to go into our "agreement" of our TS and how I practically begged her not to make the decision to date others. I kept my mouth shut.
We finally begin to wrap it up about our potential plans for our D. Asset allocation and whatnot. I agreed. I told her that I am keeping my options open and basically agreed to her tentative plan. I validated the plan and (this may have been temp checking) I said that "short of a miracle" (R), this is what is going to happen. She said "not going to happen". I said "If the miracle happens". She again said "not going to happen". Looking back, I was involuntarily temp checking and recognized that I was unknowingly starting R talk. Whoops.
She kept talking about D and I finally had enough. I said "I don't want to talk about this anymore." and I left to go to the gym.
I am typing this not with an empty heart and one that has been broken again. It is one that is starting to embrace the probability of D. I know the process itself will be another kind of pain, but I know that it cannot be any worse than what this is.
I end this with the quote that was given to me when I first joined:
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Believe NOTHING they say
Bring on 2019.
Edit: I'm sure I'm missing a few more details. I will add to this thread as I recall more of the conversation.
