Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

As I was reading more of the MLC resources, my absolute greatest fear, aside from H actually not ever "waking up", is that he WILL "wake up" and then be one of those people who has too much guilt and pride to come back! How extra tragic would that be?!!

I saw some others from years back asking how to let the person know you are there for them WITHOUT telling them, so that if that time comes they may be more open to coming back. This is where I feel like spontaneously combusting out of fear. I have even already thought of things that I would tell my H to make him feel better in terms of his shame and guilt - things to validate as well as things like "we can sell the house and move to the country with no neighbors and nobody we know and we can start all over!"

I wish I could tell him these things now but I know they won't help now and that's why I'm so scared, because I know I can't. It's like I have a life raft that I can't throw out to someone!

I have to say that at least I did agree with my H on the dog... even if he said it for different reasons, he wasn't wrong, and without my furball I think I would be much worse off. She has given me a purpose, someone (yes she's a person too!) to talk to, to greet me when I come home, etc. Sometimes I feel bad when I'm too drained and depressed to be as active as I want to be for her, since now I don't have help, but then that also pushes me to snap out of it and get motivated. GO to the store, GO outside for a walk. So, yeah.

My H works with animals (that's how we met) so the biggest downside is that I no longer get easy access to resources for pet care. Now if I ever need something, I will have to go to where OW works (yes there are other places I could go, but knowing the different options local to me and "behind the scenes" of how different places operate, I don't want to go anywhere else). In the past he could either take her with him or bring stuff home; now I have to be "normal" and make appointments and pay full price, ugh.

And thinking of that just makes me even more frustrated because even though I make more money, here he is staying at a friend's house and here I am getting stuck paying for the house AND a furchild all by myself. I can guarantee you he is stashing away way more money than me at this point because of the situation. Granted, his living conditions are not the same, but still.. I don't really have a choice TO live cheaper if I wanted since I can't yet sell the house without it costing. Really crazy how things work out sometimes.

I'm also sorry that when I write in my threads, my thoughts jump from one thing to the next and snowball into something different than originally intended most of the time! There's just so much complexity and so many things I think about once it starts flowing. I really wish I had a third party who was watching our entire relationship and still following me around today (and others here, too!) who could make a film or a book or something about this whole thing. I can't imagine trying to recount it much later in my life in a way that will do it justice.

Separately, there's gotta be a program we can start where married couples can agree to be part of a study where they are subject to research if things like this happen in their M, haha. Like Body Worlds where people donate their bodies once dead. Wait, maybe a bad example, or not? lol.