As you might recall I let my husband come back easily the first time so I can relate to your concerns. The thing is, you received a lot of advice saying you shouldn't take your wife back easily but we should still respect your decision. It's an extremely difficult position to be in when you lose your spouse and then you have a chance to have that person back again. The crisis blurs our judgment. You did what you think is best for your situation. You sound like you've accepted quite a bit of the blame for the downfall of the marriage, not that it excuses an affair, but you do seem to have made a lot of realizations about yourself and you've grown from this experience. Perhaps everything will be fine now that your wife is back. Maybe you'll treat your wife better (although I'm sure you weren't that bad) and your wife will also mature and realize how badly she acted and she'll try to be a better committed wife. Maybe you two can put this ordeal behind you after a while, although you may be checking for signs of an affair for many years to come. In the event that this happens again then you'll be more compelled to take stronger action.
In terms of getting your wife to show remorse now - it seems you could put your foot down on all big decisions like making a big joint purchase like buying a house or having kids. You could be less forthcoming with affection, "I love you's," gifts, etc.. for the time being. But you also need to move on and create a new beautiful marriage for the two of you to be happy and want to stay together. I'm not entirely sure you should execute such a strategy but I hope you'll get good direction from various sources.
I can tell you what not do since I made the mistake myself. After my husband came back he kept promising we'd fix everything but then he didn't want to discuss his affair or go to counseling. I started to treat him really badly. I said a lot of terrible things to him. I made him suffer. We still moved on and moved to our dream city, built our dream house, and planned for our future but with this negative undercurrent that caused constant tension. It was clear that the marriage wasn't fixed even though we were back together. I shouldn't have agreed to start building a house and I shouldn't have quit my job to start a business without everything being fixed. I kept thinking everything would get fixed eventually but it never happened and he left again. You don't want to end up like me! It's best to hold off on big next steps until your wife can show true remorse and re-earn your trust.
The biggest warning I'd like to share is how much harder it is to go through this with kids. If you can just imagine how innocent children are, and how they're at the mercy of their parents, and how a broken marriage can hurt a small child, then you'll want to think really seriously about having kids any time soon. I believe your wife is young so you could safely wait for many years to see if the marriage is stable before you have kids. There's never 100% guarantee something won't go wrong, but I recommend doing everything humanly possibly to avoid bringing an innocent baby into this world if the marriage isn't fully repaired.
I hope everything will turn out well for you and your wife. This is still a fragile situation but it sounds like you're actively thinking about how to best proceed and hopefully it'll work out!
