My choice to use a local firm is purely based on practicalities of not having to travel to the city. To be honest I don’t intend to use them much more than offering initial guidance. I’m not sticking around in limbo whilst we battle it out in the courts for minimal gain. I really just want to draw a line.
This is my view as well. If/when that happens, I would just like it done. As long as we divvy up 50/50 and we hold on to our own debts (mine is higher than his - mainly because I have financed our lifestyle for years) I think I will be happy. I suspect his view will be the same mainly because I know if we slugged it out in court, I would be entitled to more. In fact, the view he has expressed, the two times we've discussed it, is that lawyers just eat up money and that we should agree terms between us and get it officiated by a mediator. To which, my response was, is and will be 'will we f***'. Like yours, my H would probably not be acting in my best interest. And like yours, I think my H forgets sometimes who he married.
Originally Posted by Yorkie
Don’t get me wrong, my standard of living will plummet and things will be tight. But I’ve done that before and can do it again. He’s not the most financially responsible or frugal of men so at least I’ll be in control.
Mine too. I am ok with it thought. I worked two jobs and lived on noodles and pasta to pay my way through uni. I have started again twice before (once when I finished uni and once when I first met H). Plus, if we sell the house, then I won't have this albatross of a mortgage hanging over me.
Originally Posted by Yorkie
I think if you’re children were older you would be in the same place as me. I don’t have to worry about mine. In fact they are the ones saying to me ‘ you can do this Mum’. It’s my greatest achievement that these 3 young men know that I’ve always put them first and now they are repaying that in spades. I’m very proud of them. They’re fine young men.
Your H has been a selfish t**t when it comes to your kids. They, by the sound of it, have completely lost respect for him. Mine, adore their father, and I would not take that away from them or him. My H is the poster child for born again fathers. It stings it took leaving me to make him realise how important our children are. I think he was scared that when he left he would lose them so he turned the love he once had for me to them. It makes it hard for me to completely let go of him. When he is with them, I still see the man I love. Not the one I fell in love with (that man adored me), but the man I always thought he could become. You have lost respect for yours. Once you lose respect, detaching is easier - you cannot want to be with someone who has no worth in your eyes.
Originally Posted by Yorkie
But my personal belief is this: we all have MLCs in our lives to some extent. I don’t know anybody who has been married for 27 years who doesn’t sometimes think “ this isn’t very exciting” or “is this all there is
I agree. There were nights when my H was away, or out with his friends, or had disappointed me in some way, that I thought 'is this really what my life has become'. I think strength of character, commitment and straight up not living in some sort of fantasy land separates us. Two other things - 1) my H suffers from depression and anxiety. It is a family thing - his mum, his brother, his grandmother, his uncles and 2) He cannot take responsibility for his own unhappiness - he has a need to externalize blame (also a family trait). I don't know about yours, but I think MLC (or whatever), depression and the externalization of blame are a toxic combination. This is what makes the thought "is this what my life has become" becomes like the sirens song they can't shake .
”Good luck with the solicitor Yorkie. The offer re London was genuine. Let me know when you are down next.
After 7 months of separation / walk out and self reflection, I've realised that not only is my 27 year marriage dead but I actually have no desire to start a new relationship with this man. Much of the hurt has subsided although I remain disappointed that having created this s*it storm, he still remains unable to do the decent thing and wrap it up amicably and efficiently. But ....I am happier without him. I have moments of self doubt because I was so entwined with this person emotionally, practically and financially, but for the most part I look forward to a future without him. I no longer consider him my H, just a man I used to be married to.
GAL has meant making new friends, reconnecting with old friends and accepting that I might need help sometimes. But, and this is a revelation to me; people are happy and willing to help ME.
I realise that I'll never be alone as I have true friends and my 3 wonderful children ; they will always be my greatest achievement. But I need more now because they are grown. I will look back with good memories of a marriage that worked at the time because he wanted to be a provider / hero and I wanted to bring up these boys. We now want different things and when I'm truthful, I know we cannot provide that for each other.
What a shame that we didn't have an honest discussion 4 or 5 years ago and he has caused hurt to so many people, but the fact that he spent the last 2 years setting up a new life instead of dealing with his real one, is all on him and an indication of his character. I find moments of feeling sorry for OW because she must have low self esteem / be so desperate for a man that she is accepting a life with a man who can act in this way. She really should know better with 2 marriages behind her. Those poor little girls. But they're are not my problem.
So, having considered a D vs a legal separation, I will file for D. I'm just waiting for him to provide some financial information before I decide if I need a lawyer or if we can agree without. The Ls advice is for me to sort out the financials sooner rather than later as things do seem to be on a downward spiral for him financially. I may decide to take a financial hit in order to extricate myself sooner.
Would I be in this place without this forum and DB? I doubt it. I would still be doing the 'pick me dance' with constant texts and calls to see how he is doing etc etc. The day I said 'I'm not performing in your circus anymore' and went true NC was the day I started to heal and see things clearly. It enabled me to see myself as a living and breathing person separate from this man. It made me think about who I was and what I wanted.
So, I may technically be a 'failure' in DB terms, but I feel like an absolute winner. I know what a healthy R should feel look like and I'm not prepared to settle for less.
Should I have waited longer. Maybe, but the strength I have found and the self knowledge mean that this is the right time for me.
It is so good to hear from you. I was wondering how you were getting on as hadn't heard from you in a while. I had imagined you were doing fine. Moving forward slowly, head up, one step in front of the other. I know that we are told to not have expectations. But in this case your update is exactly how I had imagined it would be.
You have risen above the game and in doing so, you have won. With or without this forum, I think you would have gotten there eventually, maybe not as quickly.
I am glad you came to this forum to ask for help. Although I don't think you need us anymore, your strength inspires many of us.
Yorkie... I don’t think you failed in DB terms at all. I think you have been completely, 100% successful. Don’t forget... the goal of DB is to GAL and get back in touch with who you are as an individual and to build a satisfying life without the WAS or with the WAS IF they want to return and IF you want them back. The last part is just a future decision that may or may not have to be made but the middle part... dropping the rope and becoming a better you... that is the real goal of DBing. So you are absolutely a success and should be so proud of yourself. You are definitely a winner!!!
The double life scenario really is a head scratcher, isn’t it? My H did it for four years. It is bizarre why these guys would see that as a better option than to have a conversation and either take steps to save the marriage or end it in an honest, respectful way with both people having the opportunity to contribute to the decision. I have always been an unfailingly honest person in my relationships so that level of deceit is just incomprehensible to me. This has been a big lesson to me. I have to listen to my intuition more and pay more attention to what people do as opposed to what they say. If I had done that, my H’s double life would have ended three and a half years ago. But it is amazing what you can tolerate and convince yourself of when you love someone and you don’t want to lose them.
I am really happy for you Yorkie and you have been a role model for me as well as the voice of reason/reality. You are such a strong and determined person. If you didn’t know that before, I hope you know it now. Looking forward to reading your future updates as you move forward in your journey. (((HUGS)))
So, last week saw H car on our high street on a lunchtime. This usually means a bank run for him. Decided to wait for him as he hasn't replied to requests for information since November. He saw me and came over to speak through the car window. OW was with him who went to sit in the car. It wasn't particularly pleasant as I called his explanation BS for not providing his last 3 years of accounts (does he think that I haven't sought advice about the situation?) Ended with him telling me to eff off and going back to the car.
20 minutes later got a call from OW to berate me for not having better timing. Oh the irony!! Apparently she was upset having just been to a funeral and so thought that I should have had more consideration. I did get her to acknowledge in the end that I didn't owe her any consideration at all and a conversation with my H was just that ie nothing to do with her.
Amongst other things she told me that my children needed to grow up because people had affairs all the time and that I needed to stop poisoning them against their father. It was suggested that I needed to ensure that they had a R with their father moving forward because he was a 'man' and therefore needed guidance.
So, I have reiterated to my boys that the R they have with their father is their business and that they must not feel that it will hurt me if they do things with him etc etc. They did just laugh at me (kindly) and say 'Mum we're adults and can make our minds up'
However, it struck me last night from things that were said that H and I are being somewhat manipulated by OW. So, I've reached out to him with a simple text saying that we should meet to discuss the way forward before things deteriorate any further. He quickly agreed.
The last time we spoke however, we agreed that this could be done in a civil manner and that he wouldn't avoid coming to the house to sort things out. But he did. So, he may make the same promises and not follow through. That is what is causing me to get increasingly angry and for the boys to dismiss him. They are waiting for an inkling of the decency that they thought that their father had to surface and for him to sort things out properly.
I can't really work out why when a decision has been made to move on following an irretrievable break down of the marriage, he still cannot bring himself to do the 'decent' thing.
Hopefully I can get through to him when we meet on Wednesday. It cannot be right that a 30 year R ends in this manner. The lies and manipulation have altered our R forever but that doesn't mean that we can't have pleasant and civil interactions with one another when necessary.
So, last week saw H car on our high street on a lunchtime. This usually means a bank run for him. Decided to wait for him as he hasn't replied to requests for information since November.
Yorkie, sorry but I am not completely up on your sitch, do you have a lawyer? If you do then use your L to get whatever info you need since your H is not cooperating. If you don't then get one! This comes off as very stalkerish and there was just no way it was going to end well.
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20 minutes later got a call from OW to berate me for not having better timing. Oh the irony!! Apparently she was upset having just been to a funeral and so thought that I should have had more consideration. I did get her to acknowledge in the end that I didn't owe her any consideration at all and a conversation with my H was just that ie nothing to do with her.
Amongst other things she told me that my children needed to grow up because people had affairs all the time and that I needed to stop poisoning them against their father. It was suggested that I needed to ensure that they had a R with their father moving forward because he was a 'man' and therefore needed guidance.
Stop the long convos with OW. What purpose does that serve?
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However, it struck me last night from things that were said that H and I are being somewhat manipulated by OW.
I don't think your H is being manipulated, but they are BOTH manipulating YOU. That's why you need to distance yourself. Block OW from your phone. Don't hang out places waiting to see if you cross paths with H.
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I can't really work out why when a decision has been made to move on following an irretrievable break down of the marriage, he still cannot bring himself to do the 'decent' thing.
Because he has moved on and started a new life with OW and you are an "unwelcome intrusion" into his little fantasy. Don't expect him to be decent, if he was he wouldn't be having an affair in the first place. Protect yourself.
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Unrealistic thinking???
Unfortunately, yes. He's not who he used to be. He's not the H you knew. You've got to stop expecting him to act like he is.
Thanks for the response Another Stander. I don't think it was stalkerish at all, so sorry if it came across that way. If I wanted to stalk I'd sit outside his office or where he currently lives. Don't have the time nor inclination. Pure coincidence that I was driving and saw his car parked. I don't hang out waiting for him.
I do have a lawyer yes who has advised me what information is required for me to make a decision. I can do the sums myself once provided. if she asks for the information then it starts to escalate the costs. Bearing in mind husband is a lawyer himself, he's either not going to rack up costs or will get mate rates.
Just seems ridiculous to rack up fees when he knows that he has to provide the information.
I think my confusion stems from the fact that I am the one preparing to file having stated that I am not staying in the marriage. Therefore I am only a temporary inconvenience whilst the finances and house get sorted so that he can then afford to do as he wishes. Surely that would be motivation enough to get things moving.
I don't think it was stalkerish at all, so sorry if it came across that way.
Well of course it doesn't seem like it to you! But it was. Your H no doubt thought it, and I guarantee that OW did. You're just giving them ammo to tell everyone else about how crazy you are. It doesn't matter how sound your reasons are, just stay away from him. Stick to email or text for required convos.
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I can do the sums myself once provided. if she asks for the information then it starts to escalate the costs.
Indeed it does, but if your H just continues to refuse to provide it then you really don't have a choice.
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Therefore I am only a temporary inconvenience whilst the finances and house get sorted so that he can then afford to do as he wishes. Surely that would be motivation enough to get things moving.
Who knows what his reasons are. Maybe he doesn't want to be "serious" with OW so "I'm still legally married" makes a good excuse. Or maybe he's worried he'll lose a lot of "his" assets, or have to pay more than he does currently. Regardless, don't waste a lot of brainpower trying to figure out why he does what he does (or doesn't do).
I guess the stakerish part is one of perception and, yes, he (and OW) probably perceived it that way and if I thought you were in any way still interested in a reconciliation, then I'd probably suggest stepping away too.
She still reminds me of a Jeremy Kyle guest. I do agree you let the conversation play out for too long. I suspect the proper response is "I can see why you feel that way and I really don't give a [censored]" and then politely hang up. Both valid, both true, but these clever come backs only ever come back after the fact. I probably would have been dumbfounded at the sheer [censored] of the woman and have been tempted to say something very unclever like "oh eff off you miserable excuse for a human being".
I am with AS - don't worry about his motivations, or whether he is being manipulated or not. He is a grown man, capable of making his own decisions. Let him own them. The fact that he has avoided doing anything to do with the divorce might mean a lot of things. Could just mean be he is a lazy selfish self absorbed [censored]. Try not to waste any more energy on it.
Maintain, as you have through all of this, the moral and intellectual high ground. he will realise what he has lost eventually. Of course, it will be too late by then.
Still bumbling along waiting for information but GAL like a demon.
Wednesday - curry with friend from childhood. She was a recent WAW / WW so we have some interesting discussions. She left a 20 year marriage following an affair with another man. She wasn't in a fog. She spent the last 5 years trying to work on a M with a H who would say things like 'we don't need to go on a date night, we're married' To the outside world it looks like she made this decision out of nowhere. Believe me she didn't and she most certainly won't be going back. Thursday - meal at a friend's house who has worked in Estate Agency all her working life and who's H is a builder. they offered to help me look at houses Friday - rare evening at home and a TV catchup Saturday - cinema with a work colleague Sunday - 50th birthday celebration for a dear friend.
For lots of reasons that I won't elaborate on, I'm still holding off from letting a Lawyer take over. There are personal financial irregularities that could have dire consequences for H and his career. Solicitors are officers of the court and are expected to conduct their personal and professional lives in a similar manner. In matters of financial gain they would be expected to 'advise' the wife of implications as they would any client.
I have days of feeling 's**** him' it's not my problem, but they are increasingly rare. That is not how I want to be. I want to find a way forward that means that we can still be in the same room together and not have ill feeling. We have 3 children and a Grandchild.
I sent 2 messages this week; 1 to say someone had left a message on the answerphone asking for a call 2. to forward an email about one of the boys being nominated for an award in relation to his career.
I haven't had a response at all but can see that they've been read. This would have provoked anger a few months back and another text criticising him for not responding. But not anymore I'm pleased to say.
I don't need a response or even acknowledgement because I feel proud that I can send a civil communication that lets him know things that are happening. There may be many reasons why he hasn't responded and I've finally realised to stop guessing and sit secure in the fact that I am doing what I can to keep some lines of communication open. If I have a vision of how I want our communications / relationship to be in the future then I have to do my bit to get there.
I've had a tough conversation with the boys because they won't give him the time of day and wanted to go and tell other family members about what had happened. I appreciate that in their eyes he isn't trying hard enough or doing the right things. I've said that they have to make a decision if they want their father in their lives (and the lives of their children) and if they do then they may have to get over their anger and find a way to do that. It's hard to realise that a parent is flawed but we all are. They are adults and for now at least they may need to do all the hard work on his behalf. In their eyes he has done wrong and so should be the one grovelling but I've asked them to think hard about that as it sometimes isn't like that in the adult world.
He's done wrong, they know it, he probably knows it but things need to move on now.
They've been marvellous support but I'm trying to convince them that Mum is fine and is getting to the stage where she might just think this is going to be the making of her. It wasn't the end of something but the start.
I wasn't unhappy in my marriage but I do realise now that we were almost catatonic. I didn't have the inclination or desire to do anything about it, so I have to own that.
In June 2018 I was a woman who had been married for 27 years with very few problems. Now I am a single woman striding out on a future on my own. Strange how things turn out isn't it?
