Yes, I know I need to keep persevering. I know it. It’s so difficult though. The emotional toll it takes on the other parts of my life feels like it’s not worth it, but I know it is.
I have good people on my sidelines shouting at me- Do Not Give Up.
I’m just done. I don’t want to fill out another form, provide any more documentation, continuing to add a price tag to my value as a human. It’s just rediculous. My lawyer is handling all the grunt work, but I need to do some things as well. It helps to keep the costs down!
I know this will be my last Christmas dealing with this. I know it. 4 years without ex, 3 years doing legal crap this time of year. I’m trying to not let it spoil another beautiful season, but it does affect me.
Musings-
I have some really great friends who I cherish so much. I’m so appreciative for how my social circle has expanded over the years. My friends are more my type now and I feel at home with them. My ex had a hard time with social relationships.. well.. he didn’t value any friendships other than the social aspect of it. If that makes sense. It never really felt authentic to me. And it wasn’t, because I lost all those “friends” when he dumped me, never to be heard from again. To this day, I have to question the story he told them all because I fell off the face of the earth. Maybe they really really really didn’t like me. Oh well.
I remember going out to fancy dinners and having $300 bottles of wine as that was important for the experience(rolls eyes). I remember the time we invited ex’s lawyer friend and his bimbo girlfriend to come to our house for a nightcap after dinner one night and my dog would not stop attacking her fox fur coat!!!! I’m like well... why in the world are you wearing a real fur!? I think he could actually smell that it was an animal!
Anyway, here’s where my reflection comes in- I have been figuring out who I am the last few years.
On the surface, I’m reserved, polite, professional, and appearance wise- you would think I was a high-maintenance snob. I have manners and yeah, I appreciate nice things.
If you get to know me, I am actually a hot mess, I’m super silly and dorky, a little too empathic at times and I really just appreciate the simple things.
There’s definitely a huge dichotomy there and I’ve been working for years for trying to embrace it. But it’s been hard.
This all comes in to play when it comes to dating. I’ve been told that I’m really intimidating and untouchable, but that couldn’t be further from the truth (I think).
I just got an award at work and some of the feedback that was said about me was “she’s just so perfect. She says the right things, is always diplomatic, classy, graceful, etc. if a nuclear bomb went off and everyone was going crazy, she would be the one to help manage the chaos and be totally calm and collected..... and she should be a political correspondant on CNN”. (And then everyone was saying, yeah Pax looks like a news anchor!)
So sure.... those are compliments, but I hate that’s how people see me because I think I need to act that way all the time! And that would be exhausting! Yes, that’s a part of who I am for sure, but there’s so much more than that. I’m grateful for my dear friends who tell me I’m bougie, but still accept me when I’m not.
And this all leads up to a fancy male physician colleague who asked me out a few weeks ago and I brushed it off. He has a reputation as a womanizer and I am not interested though he is a lot of fun. I was told, he thinks I’m flawless. And I’m like ohhh hel! no. Im most certainly VERY flawed and I don’t want to even try to live up to those expectations. That’s not a compliment.
So all this blah blah leads me to 1) trying to fully accept me for who I am and 2) figuring out how to find a partner who see’s me for who I really am and will love me for being me<~ and that’s going to be tough because I have all sorts of PTSD from my ex in that realm.
3) and lastly, I need to stop caring about what people think. Given all the sharing I did above, im concerned that people think I’m just some gold digger because I was a young attractive girl married to an older man and we had a good life. I worry that people think I’m not dropping this case because I’m trying to squeeze my ex dry. And that couldn’t be further from the truth. At all! I’m trying to just get my “stuff” out and leave him be. But in order to do that, I must continue to fight for it. It’s hard. And this piece has probably tormented me more than it should. I must stop caring what other people think. I know the truth and that should be enough.
So... to wrap up this blah blah journal entry. Ill just say, I’m doing the best I can. The “gift” of this journey is pulling back all the painful layers and just figuring it out and rebuilding a life that completely aligns with my core values. That’s all I got.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
