Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

Thanks Steve. I've almost had some breakdowns thinking "I'll check just once this week!" but I've done well asking myself a bunch of questions that then help me refrain knowing there's no real point.

The past few days since our anniversary I've really been missing him. Not within the whole context of "I wish this wasn't happening" but the pure feeling of just longing for him. Missing having him there when I come, missing being able to text him, missing the things we would normally do together.

Ultimately I am really frustrated that even though I am doing okay on the day-to-day, I still don't seem to feel any differently about wanting him back. I haven't gotten any further down a path of "F this guy! There's someone better for me!" I'm still very much in the space of appreciating the things that were good about him and believing we could work through whatever issues there are, both for us as individuals and together.

I have also realized the past couple days that I think I really DO blame myself for this whole thing, if I'm honest. I mean, logically I know the "reaction" doesn't seem fair/equitable to the issues, and that there are things where I could only do so much (and did those things) but at the end of the day I keep boiling it down to: he left me = I did something wrong enough where he felt justified to leave (vs. me doing something wrong that someone was willing to accept or forgive me for or love me despite it all).

It's very hard to reconcile taking ownership of "my part" in the separation while people are also telling you you didn't deserve the reaction. And then it's equally hard to think of not deserving the reaction without thinking of oneself as a victim. What else does it make me if someone deeply hurt me when I didn't deserve it?

I feel both are important points but they are often part of the same sentence when they shouldn't be. In my opinion, everyone should have an eye toward improving themselves in every aspect of their life, as long as they live, regardless of whether the issue is with a romantic relationship, work relationship, friendship, etc. It seems like a moot point if we also acknowledge that despite those efforts, it may still not work out (meaning those downfalls may not have really been the REAL reason). So I am getting fatigued hearing those two together, and I feel there's an understated tone from some people that maybe we DID do something to "deserve" it so you better get to working on it! It's really been bothering me, especially as I think about all the other people in H's life that I know and what they must think of me, not because of things he may have told them but just things they must be wondering in their own heads because of the fact that he's left me! Given that it doesn't seem like anyone is checking on me, surely they must believe I'm the terrible wife...

My true belief is that yes, I was not a perfect wife, and there were things I'm certain my husband needed from me that he wasn't getting. But I do NOT believe those things, or even the length of time they started to become real issues, is something I would have expected to divorce over. I know I can't tell someone else how they should feel, but this is honestly a situation where I have a degree of confidence that if my H is divorcing me for the reasons he says he is, he is not going to be able to handle most relationships long-term. And trust me, I don't take solace in that or trying to make myself sound "better" than... it truly frustrates me that someone could make themselves out to be committed only to discover they actually have huge issues in being able to do the work that commitment requires. It's the biggest hurt to feel that someone didn't think you were worth fighting for or with.

So that's how I've been feeling the past few days. Not depressed or distraught or anything, but more distressed. Continuing to wrestle with the "why" and feeling like I will never be able to accept it, because regardless of the "reasons" or faults, my ultimate belief is that it COULD work and someone is simply choosing NOT to make it work. Therefore I must be terrible in some way.

I know people will say I should feel more confident and look for someone who will recognize my value and not de-value myself in this process, but I've never felt like I don't value myself. I guess I just feel like IF someone else doesn't see my value, I want to prove to them the value I have. I want to have the opportunity to right my wrongs because even if you get better for the future, it simply doesn't make sense to me that old things have to fall apart first. In some cases sure, I get that sometimes major changes have to happen in order for growth to occur. I do not feel like growth (of the relationship as a whole) could not have occurred (or still couldn't occur) in this case if the choice was made to work on it together.

No matter what my future relationships look like, I think I will always look back on what's happened here, assuming it never does ever reconcile, and feel it was a waste. I don't know how I can spin that into a positive like we are all told to do. I don't know how I can look at and simply appreciate the good parts, knowing that the whole thing was toppled down like a Jenga game. I'm sure the magic answer, as usual, is "time", but that just angers me even more how people preach that we only have so much time on this earth, yet so many people do things to waste it... Maybe the way my brain works is that I need to spend at least X amount of time committed and hoping for something to come back because of the potential long-term accumulation of value that would provide (vs. just calling it a loss and losing it all), at least until I have wasted almost as much time without result that it then becomes more sensible to start over. Maybe then I will be able to let it go.