Being a LBS can be exactly like that. You think you're getting better, something happens to remind you you're not. I think for some of us the tooing and froing will be our existence for some time to come. I think you are pretty darn close to being more 'out' than 'in' though. You are one strong woman Yorkie. Don't let a little moment of weakness make you forget it.
PS - If you are thinking about the hokey cokey and you're sober ... what were you like when you had a drink in you ??
For some reason tonight when thinking about my own situation, I started to think about the 'hokey cokey' (think you call it the hokey pokey in the US) "you put your whole self in, your whole self out, in out in out, you shake it all about, you do the hokey cokey and you turn around; that's what it's all about"
Just in case you're wondering, I've been tea total for 28 years. But this is what my life feels like. Or certainly what my emotions feel like.
Need to find some serenity I think.
OK, first off it's Hokey Pokey. Here in the US, we don't mind that the Brits got it wrong, we think it's cute actually .
Secondly, what does "tea total" mean?
Thirdly, I agree with your sentiment. Gotta get to that better place mentally and emotionally.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
According to the oracle that is wikipedia the 'hokey cokey' originated as a British folk dance as early as 1826. We accept you guys dropping all sorts of vowels and things from our words, but don't mess with the hokey cokey.
'Tea total' is a Northern England variant of the better known 'teetotal' ie to totally abstain from alcohol but must be replaced with copious amounts of tea. Particularly 'Yorkshire tea bags' brewed with Yorkshire water.
Normal healthy emotions to be resumed asap (tomorrow at the latest)
Just got back from a 3 day trip to London to stay with middle son and his partner. Had a fantastic time. Laughed lots and lots and the kids indulged me with lots of tourist attractions. In fact, dare I say, had a better time than we would have done if Dad had been with us. None of us had to worry about him 'disapproving' of what we wanted to do or the fact that the kids stayed in bed past 9 am, or that we were so tired after a day sightseeing that we just ate crisps and chocolate for tea.
I've always been the more relaxed parent and I am extremely blessed to have 3 wonderful sons, who not only look out for Mum, but we also enjoy one another's company. Gave me a great confidence boost; I can go visit on my own (logistical nightmare from where we live) and have a good time and the kids enjoyed my company rather then being on edge and trying to impress like they would have done with Dad.
Definitely on a high. There is a whole world out there that doesn't revolve around my H and his wants and desires and maniac behaviour.
So, things are moving forward. Or should I say I’m moving forward and he continues to be a total flake.
House has been valued. Will go on market January. H told valuer that he would ask a local builder to assess some damp in 1 room. 6 weeks ago. Done nothing. I sent a “have you sorted a builder yet” text 4 days ago. No response. The old me would have sent several more by now asking why he’s ignoring this when it’s him that wants out.....etc etc. But now now. Just add it to his list of patheticness.
6 weeks ago agreed to sort loft, garage, prepare the house for sale. Not been near nor made any contact. So after Christmas the boys and I will do it.
Have seen the IFA. Much better position than I thought even if I don’t get financial settlement I hope to. Started to look at properties to buy. Exciting.
Approached a local firm of solicitors. Explained the situation. They were a bit nervous as they do some business with him and don’t want it To be awkward. I agreed that they should contact him and say that they had been approached by me and guage his reaction. Took 3 days for him to answer his phone to them and now he wants a few days ‘ to consider his position’. They get until tomorrow then I go out of town. Silly silly man. There is a world of difference between the approach of a big city firm and a local specialist.
Final note. He went to visit grandson and DIL. Son refused to be there. Spent 90 minutes talking about himself and in particular how he was looking forward to Xmas as last Xmas day was so miserable. She said thanks,that’s really nice to hear: we hosted Xmas here in our new house. He’d forgotten that he said. He just likes to make his narrative fit his story. I’m not sure who he feels he needs to convince. His family know what he is.
Oh well onward and upward. None of the problems that he creates are going to knock me off my journey, they all have solutions.
it is good to see how far you've come Yorkie. Perhaps northern practicalities, but whatever it is, I wish I had some. We southerners, even honorary ones like me, seem to get stuck playing victims for a bit longer. Acceptance is one thing, but you have embraced your future and are looking at it with the eyes of someone with the whole world of possibilities at your feet. I remember having that feeling when I graduated from university. God, how I wish I could feel that again.
re your local solicitor ... how good could they be if they are worried about how this will impact their relationship with your H. Surely they are more professional than that?!? in any case, you are right. there is a high difference between local and city solicitors. shop around and find one that you click with. they all do the free 30 min consultation.
I love how excited about buying a new house. I can see how you see it as a fresh start. Again, that infinite world of possibilities. . I am still dreadfully attached to our house and losing it would be like the final nail in the coffin. but, on the positive - he is much more attached to it than me and losing it would hurt him twice as much. cold comfort, but comfort nonetheless. I will get there. it is just bricks and mortar. But it was (is) our forever home. giving it up would be bloke finally saying goodbye to those hopes and dreams. I will cross that bridge when I get to it. im glad that bridge does not ned crossing today.
Anyway, it is always good to hear how you are doing. I am not sure what the rules are re meeting, but if it’s allowed I’d love to share an afternoon tea with you next time you’re in London
I would definitely be up for that FS. My choice to use a local firm is purely based on practicalities of not having to travel to the city. To be honest I don’t intend to use them much more than offering initial guidance. I’m not sticking around in limbo whilst we battle it out in the courts for minimal gain. I really just want to draw a line. I’m prepared to sign away rights to his pension and a parcel of land that he part owns which will be developed at some time in the future, if I get what equity I need from the house straightaway. I’m aware that his reaction to me going to lawyers perhaps suggests that he’s frightened. He’s perhaps not acting in my best interests. Shocker!
I rather suspect I could take him to the cleaners ( he changed the mortgage and put it in front of me to sign without explaining the ramifications) this would be frowned upon by a court as he had more legal knowledge than me. This was done years ago on the understanding that his land deal would pay the mortgage off. I can just chalk it up to experience and take a loss in order to start afresh in the manner that I want.
Don’t get me wrong, my standard of living will plummet and things will be tight. But I’ve done that before and can do it again. He’s not the most financially responsible or frugal of men so at least I’ll be in control.
I think if you’re children were older you would be in the same place as me. I don’t have to worry about mine. In fact they are the ones saying to me ‘ you can do this Mum’. It’s my greatest achievement that these 3 young men know that I’ve always put them first and now they are repaying that in spades. I’m very proud of them. They’re fine young men.
I’ve had a lot of time to think about these things. I could make all sorts of excuses for him such as he’s had a MLC etc etc. But my personal belief is this: we all have MLCs in our lives to some extent. I don’t know anybody who has been married for 27 years who doesn’t sometimes think “ this isn’t very exciting” or “is this all there is” The fact that the answer to his personal discontent was to have an affair is nothing to do with being abducted by aliens but everything to do with having a shallow and dysfunctional character. It was always there it just needed the right conditions to emerge.
I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for him, making excuses and avoiding the reality. This is who he is. Some spouses might change genuinely but I know I would always sit expecting it to re-emerge if the going got tough. But he won’t change because somebody new believes the personna that he portrays.
I so believe in marriage. But marriage to me means love honesty and respect. He didn’t do any of those things when he chose to sleep with someone else and hide it for 15 months. Who was it sang “love don’t live here anymore” it applies in this house.
.