Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (TWO)

[Adam04]

Hey lost, thanks for the support. I agree that life goes on and we should be enjoying it.

The last couple weeks I had been going to work, working out, and the same usual routine. Except instead of trying to find time to post, I read ALOT more. I am dividing my time between DR, another book, and a lot of the posts here. I felt like I was doing well, with giving W space and avoiding conflict, if that's a good thing? I've not met new people except I was being social at my company Christmas party if that is worth anything. I spend more time at the park or my company garage in the evenings.

I read Coach's 25 page Detach thread, WW perspective on why the are leaving the LBH and it was humbling. I read other people's sitch like mine and see the patterns and all the wonderful advice given. I revisit posts and let the words just marinate for a minute. What are my goals, what am I doing to get there, will what I do help or hurt, what are my 180s and are they working for me? Am I detaching and GAL?

I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching, rereading posts, trying to listen to advice others are getting and apply them to me.

I want to detach, but I know it will be a long road ahead. I'm still okay with no snooping, nothing of that sort in trying to dig or find reasons, or even R talks, none of that. The last thing I saw was when I knew she downloaded Skype after BD and I saw other apps like the singing one. I didn't think nothing of it until I read Steve's sitch. A few times I thought I was going to say something to W or come here and just blow up, but I let it sit and I cooled down. I've been trying to be mindful of the NGS tendency of not being level headed. In reading posts about these singing apps being used to flirt with other people, I noticed one was installed on my ipad. We still have the option to install whatever is downloaded to all devices so I see this singing app on my ipad, installed after BD. Initially, I was like why am I not surprised. I couldn't do anything but to let it go. I sat on it for a few days and told myself that honestly it bothers me a little bit but I didn't feel like I am in any position to discuss anything. I was bummed because it was right under my nose and had I not came across other people's posts and sitch, I would be all the better. I thought about my feelings and I'm wasting energy. If I did something, would it put me closer to my goal and what is that goal? One of my goals is to work on my marriage and bringing that up would do nothing, maybe hurt it.

On the weekends if I'm not scarce, W and I could have these talks like two weeks ago when she said she noticed I was acting different and asked if I wanted to leave. Last weekend I made sure not to feed the beast and kept my distance, staying in the study. When we did talk, she always initiated and I kept it cool. We laughed more from what I could remember.

I noticed since that talk W and I had two weeks ago, I was becoming indifferent and didn't want to become that way so I made effort to just put a little bit more pep in my step and just being relaxed and pleasant. I think this backfired. W had been more engaging over the last two weeks and coming to me talking not a whole lot but about Christmas stuff and random small talk. I was just being mindful not to come across as cold or on guard. People said not to pursue and I had not but I would sometimes say good morning instead of always having her initiate that. If she asked a question, I would answer and then maybe ask back.

I hadn't been going out to eat with her side of the family for a few weeks. She does order in and gets me something or I eat whatever she orders for the family for our weekly dinners. This weekend I was going to meet my friend to exchange gifts for his kids and go to hang out with him but we were working around another friend's schedule who is coming in town. So put us 3 guys together trying to text all day and schedule something, turns out nothing happened. We got it scheduled for tomorrow. I asked her if the presents had come in already so I can get them and drop them off at my friend's place. She said yes and asked if she was going to go as well. This was a couple days ago. I told her most likely it was going to just be us guys. We used to get together sometimes with our friends during the holidays and now this year that dynamic is changing. She also asked me if I was going to attend her brother's Christmas get together and said they were also planning to pray for their dad and go to the cemetery and asked if I was going to that. I said no thanks. I didn't explain why or anything like that.

For dinner, my S10 and W were talking in the living room and he comes in to the study and asks if we can eat at this restaurant I love to eat at and I tell him no thank you. He asks why and I told him I didn't feel like it, so he was a little disappointed but I am not totally sure he wanted to eat there, I didn't overhear the convo if she asked him to ask me. So W cooks him something and she's got this mad look on her face. It didn't sit right with me so when he went to the study to put on his headphone and play his video games after eating, I brought it up because I thought it was disrespectful she copped an attitude.

I remember Sandi mentioning to wait until the kids are away before confronting the W about the behavior. I saw this as a respect thing, but feel free to let me know your opinions. Maybe I am wrong but this is where I thought I needed to talk to W about A) when we need to discuss matters on separation with our older one B) her attitude thinking it's okay to be angry or disrespectful if I'm not playing along.

Well, when I spoke to W, I let her know I saw her mean look on her face and that she looked mad about me not wanting to go. I said I declined but that didn't stop them from going. She said she didn't understand why I didn't want to go. She said 3 months ago I would have gone with them. I told her, in 5 months we're going to split and we need to decide on how and when we talk to our children about it. I said we need to start thinking about sharing custody of the kids and if I need to find a place within distance of their school. I said the reason why I didn't want to go was because we were going as a family and I told her I would protect our son, but between me and her we know this is not a family, we're separated. She asked if we could wait until after Christmas to talk to our son. I said yes, I don't want to ruin anything for them, but we need to figure out when we should talk to them and I said I would wait the 5 months if i need to protect him longer for now. I went back to going out to eat saying I could not go. She said we're going as hungry people, not as a family. I said okay, I see where you are coming from and why you think that way, because you think we're going as individuals and not as a family. In between this I was getting ready and putting on my clothes like my jacket to take my little one out to the store. I came back and said, look, I am trying to protect my feelings because I see us going out together like that as a family. She said "I understand, you don't want to be with us." I said, no that's not it, you don't understand. I said we're separated and to protect my feelings thinking we're a family, I can't go.

I thought this was going to be all about loving me. I can change it to loving me and my children and then maybe her, sometimes... every now and then....