Grey Havens

[Zues126]

Juju, thanks for the reply.

I don't know that I have a die on the hill opinion about whether cheating should be a definitive deal breaker. I would never fault someone for making it so, but I would also never fault someone for taking their time and doing some soul searching. Granted CL calls it hopium and unicorn chasing because it almost never works out. But marriages fail most of the time, as do remarriages, as do long term relationships. Hard to know if I'm being cynical or just realistic, but the more I've considered the situation the more I consider the game unwinnable and I start to feel like we're talking about what chess move to make in a totally lost position.

As for my son, I don't disagree. I'm in a strange spot. He had tricked me all of the prior semester by changing the grades on his computer screen prior to our reviews, then when I caught him because the grades he was showing me on the screen didn't match the screen shot from his mother's portal or his year end report card he refused to admit it and said it must be a tech glitch and he didn't understand how his grades had mysteriously dropped. He even tries to blur what his actual grades were.

What I left out is that I did put the hammer down at the end of last summer. I took away all of his electronics entirely and gave him extra home work assignments. He asked how long he was grounded for and I told him that those were privileges that depended on him getting satisfactory grades. I told him that he had a choice. He would either be grounded until his next report card came out that demonstrated he deserved those privileges (which would mean 6 months of no electronics) or he could "apply for credit". What I mean by that is that he could demonstrate by completing the assignments I gave him and resuming his violin practice that he was prepared to take his scholastic responsibility more seriously. If he did those things I would reinstate electronics. So I gave him a clear road back and laid out my expectations.

Well, he dug his heels in and decided that there was nothing he could do, he was a victim, I wasn't being fair because I didn't believe him about his report card grades being incorrect, and that he couldn't win. I can't tolerate the lack of accountability and this victim mentality crap. Probably natural from a teen but his mother is a pro as well. I am a world class gamer and I set things up so that either option I was good with. Either he could learn from me to own his crap, or he could learn from life consequences that he can play victim all he wants but he will be a victim without electronics all summer. Which is what happened. I was good with that.

Where things got whacked is what happened at end of summer. I lost my temper with D7 and for the first time in my life I spanked one of my children. No, it wasn't cool, I consider it a blunder and regret my action. But what happened next was crazy. He had smuggled a cell phone over to my place and he texted his mom that I was out of control, that I was beating up D7 and she was injured, and that he was terrified for his safety. He spent the next week at his mother's house and said that he didn't feel safe with me because I was abusive.

I was furious. Calling a man physically abusive is about the second worse thing you can say in today's age, and while I am not going to argue in favor of spanking I don't for a heartbeat think that a one time spanking equates to physical abuse and a dangerous environment. From my vantage point he was playing a power game, using the power he had to go to his mom's where he wasn't being held accountable and wasn't grounded. Just my feel on the situation. But now while he was my son, he had suddenly become a threat to my family. It took hard work to get 50% custody and for him to blow the abuse whistle as a power play was totally unacceptable. I felt like he was a dog that bit the baby. He was a loved family member, but suddenly he was a threat.

I immediately schedule counselling and we went to two sessions. The counselor has asked to meet his mother and she kept saying she'd schedule something but hasn't. Meanwhile the dust has settled and things have stabilized a bit. S14 is still without personal electronics but he has a school tablet he can use anyway, and I wasn't going to try to enforce him only using it for school work because it seemed like making a rule I couldn't enforce. And frankly I am so disgusted by his behavior (first not doing school work, then lying about it, then not making things right, then playing power games that threatened my family) that I am pretty much done. I felt like he was determined to show me I'm not the boss of him, so I quit playing. I hesitate to try to enact more consequences when he shows he's willing to trump up accusations that threaten the family to get away from me, it's like blackmail. Right now that means the love I have deep down for him is pretty deep under some serious distaste for how he's choosing to conduct himself. But I figure he's a teenager, maybe this is normal. If I'm teaching him anything it's from the example of how I live my life. He has his own road to walk and he might have to learn from life and not from me for a while. Maybe when the day comes he sees I'm not fighting back anymore and he is making his own bed he'll grow up a bit.

If I was together with XW and he couldn't go running to mom I would certainly be more heavy handed, as is I just don't have it in me to fight an unwinnable war. Ain't nobody got time for that. We keep things civil. I'm not trying to stone wall him, he's still part of the family and we joke around a bit and interact together. But there is no question there is a divide that hasn't been bridged, and at this point he'd need to show me something different for me to be interested in bridging it.

Again, I don't feel this is the optimal response, but like I said, sometimes it's hard to find the right move. And as I've also said, I quickly lose interest in games that can't be won.