I have only recently been introduced to CL. And I absolutely love her. If you remember my early writings, I have always been in agreement with her, no tolerance for cheaters philosophy. I am not sure if I would have healed faster had I been on her site as opposed to here. I do think the DB forum is more interactive and allows for more self reflection and journaling. I do not think the DB forums really acknowledged cheating and lying and betraying and leaving as a form of abuse a few years ago though. As a boundary. As a condition. And i think that was unhealthy.
In my situation, I never had that black and white, Yes he's cheating. He violated a boundary. Now make a choice. Everything was secret and I had a lot of self blame. I never really had a choice to make a stand against cheating. I feel cheated out of that closure, out of the power to make a decision. My ex did not even respect me enough to be honest even after our marriage was over. I will certainly reread and post on your friends thread. He seems to have all the intel which gives him power to choose . Once you have that intel, i think its more black and white and logical.
I am glad that you and your daughters are doing well. Very sorry to hear about friction between you and your son. I am going to offer you some thoughts to chew on though. I don't have answers or even advise. Just thoughts. My parents raised us old school. We had consequences. We had to conform to their rules because they were the authority figures. Which I agree with. But their parenting style was executed in a manner where it felt like they were trying to WIN (my mother) or acted out of emotion (my father) as opposed to teaching and guiding. So i think my mothers need to to win at all costs (silent treatments in addition to other techniques) really left me susceptible to gaslighting and abuse from others.
" I am not prepared to be closer as long as he's prepared to lie and manipulate things" - I would be careful that you are not resorting to stone walling or withdrawing affection in order to win. I know you have access to some good counselors and maybe this might be helpful. Nip it in the bud early. No he is not making good choices. But you as parent/teacher might need to change approaches as well. Different personalities require different approaches. Some personalities buy from a salesperson that takes a hard dominant approach. Gives a hard handshake. Others don't trust that approach and prefer to buy from the friendlier easy going sales person. You have to recognize and conform a bit to make that sale to get through to someone, no? Just look at the big goal.
Anyway, best of luck. Hope you post more often. I am grateful I still have more years until my son is a teenager.
