Seeing some rays of light (pain18 DB IX)

[Ready2Change]

once I know the four non-negotiables.

So this is my concern. You do not even know what YOUR non-negotiables are. Or at least are not able to verbalize them. This is a thinking exercise. Is it about how you want to be treated. It is about how you respond to being treating this way.
4 was just a number I picked.


You do not need to state these to her. You do it in your actions.

[Ready2Change]

1. NC immediately with OM. You (W) will call him and put him on speaker. I will be in the room to make sure you tell him that it's over.
2. Forgiveness (This applies mostly to myself)
3. The truth. Always.
4. Be available to listen to me with any thoughts I have pertaining us and our rebuilding process. I will do the same for you. I failed to listen to you before this went down. I will not make the same mistake again.

So how do you enforce these boundaries?

[Ready2Change]

When you....
I feel.....
If you....
I will...

[Phoenix9]

1. NC immediately with OM. You (W) will call him and put him on speaker. I will be in the room to make sure you tell him that it's over.
2. Forgiveness (This applies mostly to myself)
3. The truth. Always.
4. Be available to listen to me with any thoughts I have pertaining us and our rebuilding process. I will do the same for you. I failed to listen to you before this went down. I will not make the same mistake again.

So how do you enforce these boundaries?

I need to re-read the boundaries thread before I can come up with a response.

Also, I cannot just come up to WW and tell her "Hey, if we decide to piece...". This is more of a back-pocket prep work kind of thing, right?

[Ready2Change]

read this:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2051316#Post2051316

[Ready2Change]

Also, I cannot just come up to WW and tell her "Hey, if we decide to piece...". This is more of a back-pocket prep work kind of thing, right?

This is rewiring your brain. It is preparation.

[Ready2Change]

When you allow her into the home WHILE she is CHEATING you are VALIDATING the affair allowing that.

When you invite her to leave THAT sends the message that you don't condone affairs.

You tell her to end the affair or LEAVE...

Don't solve her problems for her... You just tell her you don't want her THERE while she's cheating..

More here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2078997#Post2078997

[Phoenix9]

It is preparation.

This is it. It's time to crap or get off the pot.

Phoo. Wow.

I have a lot of prep work to do. A lot.

But it's time for this crazy ride to slow down. I need to get this under control. I need to get my balls back.

[Phoenix9]

R2C,

You’re a sage. A couple of hours after I responded a good friend of mine told me she meet WW and OM at a party and introduced OM as her BF. WW resound history and basically conveyed to them that WW is living with OM and happy and so on.

I told the friend that no such talk ever occurred.

Friend told me that WW “tried” to make it very clear that she does not want to be with me. Maybe I’m stupid for not recognizing that we’re “not romantic” anymore. But everyone but me knew what that really meant.

Friend confirmed what everyone here knew. WW is cake eating.

I am so tired of this. I am not crying, I am not devestated...I am just...tired. And stubborn. So stubborn.

[ovrrnbw]

R2C, thanks for being around and helping. It's great having a long tenured poster like you, truly.

Pain, you and me are both still learning, still not there yet. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Your W is a liar. We knew that already. Set the facts straight with the friend and move on. Think about the photoshoots, holiday plans, family dinners. Yet your W is "clearly" not wanting to be with you. And you want to do family things and gift exchanges.... Man I hate this crap. But this is our life right now.