Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this. Pt 3

[Turbine]

Phone call with DB coach. Part of that was pretty rough. Sounds like after/during the exercise she was getting choked up. Could be my imagination. I will tell you I felt like boot scrapings from a stable after that. Still feel like I am ahead of what the coach has me doing. However I will do as I am being lead. Even if this ends not as I would like, post BD this is my choice on how to try to mend this R with my Mahal, my wife. Got more homework to do. Lots to mull over about that call. Got to do it though.

God knows what I want. It seems to be almost all I ask Him for. Sort of selfish isn't it. Aren't we allowed to be selfish once in a while? Wanting to be happy? Our wayward to be happy (preferable with us)? Yeah, sometimes it doesn't happen. Even if it does not on our timetable.

So my GAL today is hitting the gym. Session with the trainer too. W took her gym bag so likely that is where she will be too. Different location so I won't be showing off for her. Wrong reason to be dong this. Wrong to be worried about her. NO, IT"S NOT. The wrong is letting it throw me for a loop. Divert me from my goal. So got to work on the detach more. Not sure how I am doing on that front. Can't even compare it to a dragster spinning the wheels before the race. More like the darn thing stalled on the starting line. Breathe Turbine.

So I will focus on me, hit the gym because I want to avoid the health issues my Dad had. For me, my kids and grandkids, extended family... even my W. Maybe even a future GF. I don't want that... not now... maybe not at all. Some of this is still too raw and there is a steady drip of kerosene on the wound. (Yes as bad as salt water, maybe worse)

So this isn't a letter to her. More half baked thought trains in the freight yard between my ears.

Am I even off the starting blocks in this marathon? God only knows... and I have no idea how far away the finish line is. Like wearing a blindfold. So any thoughts about her and where she is in this area a waste of time.