Still here. Still not detached... (Part 3)

[Chris73]

Wow, that was fun... (he says with the most amount of sarcasm he can muster).

My ex and I have been going to therapy monthly since July. I really don't know what to call the therapy. It's not marriage counseling because we don't talk about our relationship. It's not really family therapy either because our kids do not get involved in the discussion. At the beginning of the year, I was insistent that we continue our discussion about how to work together to ensure that the negative impact of the separation on the kids was minimal. In hindsight that wasn't the only reason.

Frankly, the thought of trying to keep my cool, validate her feelings, and still enforce my own boundaries in our post-separation discussions scared the h3ll out of me. My ex is an expert arguer. She finds exactly the right words at the right time to get her point across. This doesn't mesh well with my NGS and there weren't many fights during our relationship for this reason. I always felt intimidated. I would always think of the best things to say hours after the conversation was over. I would always cave and say, "you're right" out of guilt or simply because I wanted everything to smooth over quickly.

Because of all this, I sought the help of a moderator in the form of a marriage and family counselor. I know that my ex thought it was an unnecessary burden to attend these sessions. But to her credit, she attended them all regardless. The majority of the discussions centered around S10 and his issues adjusting to the split. D7 really hasn't shown any signs of stress, but S10 has some anxiety issues and I think pressures with school and friends were heightened because of the home life transitions.

Today was our last session of the year. My ex and I have made good progress with being able to support our kids emotionally from both sides and our communication is pretty good for the most part. Because of this, the therapist suggested that we come back in 8-10 weeks for a check-in.

But before the session ended, I said, "The one thing that I would like to bring up is that I think it's time we finalized our divorce. We've been separated for over 2 years and I would really like to get some closure on this." After this I added, "We've have done a great job so far with agreeing on how to split up the assets and custody, so I didn't want to just surprise you with papers in the mail. I thought we should start talking about it together."

I don't think my ex was prepared to hear this because the tears started almost immediately. The therapist pressed her for why she was upset. To which she responded that she is afraid of losing her health insurance.

Now, this was a PERFECT opportunity for my NGS to take over and say something like, "Well, I'd be ok with giving you some extra money to offset the cost." But I didn't. I just sat there and let her cry. I have no doubt that when the time comes she will ask for money. And that will be the time for me to think about how to respond.

Maybe there was more to her tears than just fear of losing health insurance. But I don't think it's regret. It's probably just the idea that the stop sign up ahead is finally visible in the distance, and it's a scary sight. Regardless, I didn't falter or waver and we agreed to revisit the discussion after the new year.

I wonder how long she would have continued to stay (lawfully) married to me if I didn't push for a divorce? With OM as a pretty regular fixture in her life, why wouldn't she want to move on like I do? Actually even more so than I do...?

Have to admit that I left the session feeling a little empowered. The idea of having that discussion 2 years ago made me want to vomit. Funny how time changes everything...