13 years and 2 kids pt. 3.

[Hurt213]

Journal:

So today was great, I had my D4 with me at my job (teaching), and we had a blast. Afterwards we drove to my fathers work and visited him. Then me and D4 went to a café and had something to eat. I then dropped off D4 at my mother and fathers place so she could bake cookies, and she will be coming home later.

WW informed me earlier today, that she had no plans and I could make some if I wanted to. I came home around dinner time, and I told her, that she could go buy groceries while I played with S1, and that was fine. When she came home, she apparently had made plans in the car, so she said she would be going after D4 was back home and sleeping. She would then be home tomorrow again, and then sunday morning she would leave and be back monday. <--- Ignore, stay calm, don't react.... yea fk that, sorry. I will get back on track but this was too much.

I told her, and my voice was apparently angry since she accused me for lecturing her. I said that was not my intention, but I had no quarrels sticking it to her straight, when it comes to the best of our kids interest. Basically I said, that she had been going off on random days, coming home with no pattern for the kids to stick to, and the kids had begun noticing, and are generally really nervous and paying attention whenever she leaves the house, often they cry when she just goes to take out the trash etc - She said that was nonsense, and had nothing on it.

I said, that I had informed her earlier, that it would suit our situation, and our chances of having a solid foundation for working together in the future around our kids, if she moved out now. The fact that she would be coming home and leaving like that for the weekend just blew my mind, and it was not in the kids interest. She said, she didn't want to leave and as long as we had the house, this was how it was. I then said, if I had done this, if I had wrecked our life as we knew them, then I would had moved out because that is indeed the right thing to do in order for all of us to move on. I have been talking to some "officials" don't know the name in US, about children and how the perceive their parents leaving like she has been doing. I told her, that it had been anonymous, and that I had no intentions of harming her, I just want whats best for our kids. She then got really mad, before she burst in tears and said "I am so afraid, I don't know what you are capable of any longer", meaning if I would take the kids away from her. I said "I have been nothing but gracious through all of this, and you having those thoughts shows me that you perceive things very different from me", I then said I thought of her as a great mother for her children, however this situation had stirred the pot, and she made some decisions at times, that was not in the kids best interest, according to me at least, and im sure she didn't see it that way. She didn't. She became angry, didn't want to talk about ANYTHING but kids, which is what we should be doing. I kinda accidentally talked a bit about how OM and her were being a thing for days, and then she would come home and try to eat cake, and it was wrong - thats why we needed this to end, by her moving out.

She agreed to go and not comeback until tuesday. I thanked her, and said, that I meant no harm for her and the kids relationship, but this was the best way for all of us to get some space and distance, and I said that these were the things that she had said she needed multiple times, so now she need to act on it. I also told her, that none of this had to do with her "new life". I didn't want to stand in her way, and honestly (which it is at this point in time), I don't really want anything from her. I just want to be able to enjoy time with my kids, without her being around, because she is not interested in us at this point in time. She wants the safety that comes with being with us, and the thrill that comes with going to OM, I won't be a player in that game.

I am looking forward to having a great weekend with the kids.

Speak with actions - I didn't, I stood up with words, because I felt like the limit had been reached for how she comes and goes around the kids. These next 7 days are mine, I would appreciate it greatly, if she would stay away - she don't want that for now, but yea, she knows how I feel about the situation now. She had been really trying to cake-eat and live family life as we knew it, but also go to OM whenever he calls.

- I am sure, I most likely hurt my sitch by talking about OM and her (dumb and emotional reactions took me there).

- I am glad I told her, that I don't want this for the kids, and that its best for us to stay apart and get space.

- I will be going on forward with the attitude of having stood my ground for me and the kids, and now she is very clear on the fact, that we are not going to be doing any cake-eating activities, we are not going to be playing family, and she will be sure of the fact, that as things are currently, I don't want her around.

Plan from here:

- 180 on things I already am working on (reactions to emotions being a huge one as you can see thats a problem)
- Detach, will be easier now, as I have said my peace and told her what I want from us at this point in time.
- Speak through my actions. I have said what is needed now, and there is no reason to enforce that further through words.

I look at this person now, and I am really thinking about what Ballast told me. Look at the values she is currently holding, is she worth your time, is she someone you want to be with ? Absolutely not. She has a second agenda about everything, she acts nice, but really when I push her just little she becomes angry, vile and shows her true colors. She only thinks about herself and OM - Seriously... she asked me if we could lower the gift budget for the children by 60-70% then I (yes I snooped - another 180) see, that she has spent 150 dollars on a gift for OM....Thats nearly more than she wants to spent on the kids.. I am completely baffled. She is currently not worth my time, and thus she shall not get it.

Wall of text.. Lots of DB mistakes... I just had to vent...