13 years and 2 kids pt. 3.

[sandi2]

So by advice from Sandi, I was to not engage in any activities with her. Tell her that I am done with her, and then be done with her, and show that to her through me not wanting anything to do with her because of her actions as a WW.

How do I do this, and at the same time "ooze" the effect of being a man only a fool would leave?

I think some LBH's read this to mean "Be the husband only a fool would leave". When you are living in a marital separation at the WW's request, then you cannot be a husband she would be a fool to leave.

This quote that's passed around actually says "Be the man only a fool would leave". Get your thoughts off being her husband, and focus on being a man that any woman in her right mind would want to have & keep.

Do you see the difference? If not, it's important that you tell me.

[Joe2017]

To piggyback off what Sandi said, your actions should be in no way shaped or modeled after the OM. You should not look at the dude and think about what he has that you don't, because it's not about the OM. This is about you becoming the best version of yourself possible. Your WW liked you before, right? She fell in love with you before because you were worthy. And you still are, you just have to get a tune up and a detail. Like Sandi said, this is about her mental condition.

Not to mention the OM is usually trash; the type of garbage that dates married women. My ex has been telling me all the horror stories about her OM, and how boorish, disgusting, and deviant he is.

The OM is not your competition. You're the only person who can hold yourself back from reinventing yourself.

[Hurt213]

journal:

Thanks a lot for your good advice. I know I will have to look towards myself, not WW, not OM.I will definitely try to show no emotions towards her. She is really in the fog, or maybe she is just really in love and done with me? (I think she is for the time being), and this is my time to reinvent myself and go from being the doormat, the nice guy and the slob that I became, and become the guy I was before all of this - I liked that guy. And apparently so did she.

The OM and her are texting from second she gets up in the morning, till the second she goes to bed (yea detach alert, I should not care).

I got the kids this morning and for the coming 7 days. She then said this morning, that I could just make plans cause she didn't have any for today. It kind ticked me, cause I saw a text from OM on her phone, and I yea, it got my emotions going. Unfortunately I reacted, when I know I shouldn't. I became grumpy, and yea I looked angry no doubt. She asked if she should pick up the kids from daycare, and if we could go and grab a christmas tree today? I responded: "WW, I just got "responsibility" for the kids this morning, and I have made plans for me and them. You can make plans yourself if you like."

Then I avoided her, didn't look her in the eyes (yea thats not really showing her I don't care.... I need to work on being content even though im not, because this is showing her that I am still attached to her, and that what she does, and how, has an affect on me, which I don't want!).

[Hurt213]

Journal:

So today was great, I had my D4 with me at my job (teaching), and we had a blast. Afterwards we drove to my fathers work and visited him. Then me and D4 went to a café and had something to eat. I then dropped off D4 at my mother and fathers place so she could bake cookies, and she will be coming home later.

WW informed me earlier today, that she had no plans and I could make some if I wanted to. I came home around dinner time, and I told her, that she could go buy groceries while I played with S1, and that was fine. When she came home, she apparently had made plans in the car, so she said she would be going after D4 was back home and sleeping. She would then be home tomorrow again, and then sunday morning she would leave and be back monday. <--- Ignore, stay calm, don't react.... yea fk that, sorry. I will get back on track but this was too much.

I told her, and my voice was apparently angry since she accused me for lecturing her. I said that was not my intention, but I had no quarrels sticking it to her straight, when it comes to the best of our kids interest. Basically I said, that she had been going off on random days, coming home with no pattern for the kids to stick to, and the kids had begun noticing, and are generally really nervous and paying attention whenever she leaves the house, often they cry when she just goes to take out the trash etc - She said that was nonsense, and had nothing on it.

I said, that I had informed her earlier, that it would suit our situation, and our chances of having a solid foundation for working together in the future around our kids, if she moved out now. The fact that she would be coming home and leaving like that for the weekend just blew my mind, and it was not in the kids interest. She said, she didn't want to leave and as long as we had the house, this was how it was. I then said, if I had done this, if I had wrecked our life as we knew them, then I would had moved out because that is indeed the right thing to do in order for all of us to move on. I have been talking to some "officials" don't know the name in US, about children and how the perceive their parents leaving like she has been doing. I told her, that it had been anonymous, and that I had no intentions of harming her, I just want whats best for our kids. She then got really mad, before she burst in tears and said "I am so afraid, I don't know what you are capable of any longer", meaning if I would take the kids away from her. I said "I have been nothing but gracious through all of this, and you having those thoughts shows me that you perceive things very different from me", I then said I thought of her as a great mother for her children, however this situation had stirred the pot, and she made some decisions at times, that was not in the kids best interest, according to me at least, and im sure she didn't see it that way. She didn't. She became angry, didn't want to talk about ANYTHING but kids, which is what we should be doing. I kinda accidentally talked a bit about how OM and her were being a thing for days, and then she would come home and try to eat cake, and it was wrong - thats why we needed this to end, by her moving out.

She agreed to go and not comeback until tuesday. I thanked her, and said, that I meant no harm for her and the kids relationship, but this was the best way for all of us to get some space and distance, and I said that these were the things that she had said she needed multiple times, so now she need to act on it. I also told her, that none of this had to do with her "new life". I didn't want to stand in her way, and honestly (which it is at this point in time), I don't really want anything from her. I just want to be able to enjoy time with my kids, without her being around, because she is not interested in us at this point in time. She wants the safety that comes with being with us, and the thrill that comes with going to OM, I won't be a player in that game.

I am looking forward to having a great weekend with the kids.

Speak with actions - I didn't, I stood up with words, because I felt like the limit had been reached for how she comes and goes around the kids. These next 7 days are mine, I would appreciate it greatly, if she would stay away - she don't want that for now, but yea, she knows how I feel about the situation now. She had been really trying to cake-eat and live family life as we knew it, but also go to OM whenever he calls.

- I am sure, I most likely hurt my sitch by talking about OM and her (dumb and emotional reactions took me there).

- I am glad I told her, that I don't want this for the kids, and that its best for us to stay apart and get space.

- I will be going on forward with the attitude of having stood my ground for me and the kids, and now she is very clear on the fact, that we are not going to be doing any cake-eating activities, we are not going to be playing family, and she will be sure of the fact, that as things are currently, I don't want her around.

Plan from here:

- 180 on things I already am working on (reactions to emotions being a huge one as you can see thats a problem)
- Detach, will be easier now, as I have said my peace and told her what I want from us at this point in time.
- Speak through my actions. I have said what is needed now, and there is no reason to enforce that further through words.

I look at this person now, and I am really thinking about what Ballast told me. Look at the values she is currently holding, is she worth your time, is she someone you want to be with ? Absolutely not. She has a second agenda about everything, she acts nice, but really when I push her just little she becomes angry, vile and shows her true colors. She only thinks about herself and OM - Seriously... she asked me if we could lower the gift budget for the children by 60-70% then I (yes I snooped - another 180) see, that she has spent 150 dollars on a gift for OM....Thats nearly more than she wants to spent on the kids.. I am completely baffled. She is currently not worth my time, and thus she shall not get it.

Wall of text.. Lots of DB mistakes... I just had to vent...

[LH19]

I, Two steps forward, one step back.

I told her, and my voice was apparently angry since she accused me for lecturing her. I said that was not my intention, but I had no quarrels sticking it to her straight, when it comes to the best of our kids interest.

If you are going to do it then do it without any apologies!

I then said, if I had done this, if I had wrecked our life as we knew them, then I would had moved out because that is indeed the right thing to do in order for all of us to move on.

These are just words to try to make her feel guilty. This doesn't work.

I have been talking to some "officials" don't know the name in US, about children and how the perceive their parents leaving like she has been doing. I told her, that it had been anonymous, and that I had no intentions of harming her, I just want whats best for our kids.

Again words and then apologies. Why bring it up?

I then said I thought of her as a great mother for her children,

WTF??? A woman who leaves her kids for days to spend time with another man while married is a great mother????

I kinda accidentally talked a bit about how OM and her were being a thing for days, and then she would come home and try to eat cake, and it was wrong - thats why we needed this to end, by her moving out.

Well it sounds like you kinda accidentally set a boundary? Sounds like she's not moving out. What are the consequences?

She agreed to go and not comeback until tuesday. I thanked her,

You fuching thanked her for going to visit another man and not comeback until Tuesday?WTF????

and said, that I meant no harm for her and the kids relationship, but this was the best way for all of us to get some space and distance, and I said that these were the things that she had said she needed multiple times, so now she need to act on it. I also told her, that none of this had to do with her "new life".

Again, is this a boundary?

I didn't want to stand in her way, and honestly (which it is at this point in time), I don't really want anything from her.
So are you giving her permission to be with OM?

I[quote=Hurt213] I am looking forward to having a great weekend with the kids.

Great! That is awesome!!

I am sure, I most likely hurt my sitch by talking about OM and her (dumb and emotional reactions took me there).

IMO you didn't hurt it you just didn't help it.

I am glad I told her, that I don't want this for the kids, and that its best for us to stay apart and get space.

Again, is this a boundary.

Come on IH you are so confused on what you are suppose to be doing. You have to participate in trying to save yourself and protect your kids.

[Hurt213]

Thank you for the response LH,

I see how I come off with a statement and then I basically excuse that statement, and that looks weak.

I think I addressed something that had been boiling in me. The signs I had been noticing in my kids because of her going and coming while they are awake, and I adressed that concern. Now that I have, I will shut up. I and the kids will have a great weekend. We will decorate the house, bake cookies, go do christmas activities outside, and decorate the christmas tree.

I will be applying myself towards a thought that says that WW is no longer who she was, and therefore I shouldn't try to hold on to that idea, that she will turn around and magically be that person again. I need to free myself so me and the kids can move on. WW belongs in the past, we are in the present, we need to move towards the future, and maybe, just maybe my wife is there and a new journey can sow its seeds, and maybe the present WW will never ever work with herself, and then she is not a part of me and the kids future plans (under my roof that is).

So..
- Not answering anything not related to kids, and I will wait with replies and not answer phone calls immediately.
- I will be mysterious, not letting her in on what I am up to.
- I will give her space and time to do what she pleases - you asked me; do you then allow her to be with OM? <-- I don't but honestly, I do since its none of my business. She does what she thinks is right, and if it turns out to be wrong, then wrong it is - bottom line is, nobody can tell her if it is right or wrong, she needs to experience that herself given where she is in her mental state at this point.
- I will go out and try new things.
- I will embrace life and think of this as a new opportunity to reinvent myself, and do things I enjoy.
- I will be there for my kids and be the light and a rock for them.
- I will answer her questions regarding the kids but in short sentences, and I won't initiate conversation.
- I will act content happy and cheerful about my life and the kids, but nothing about her <-- I will fake this till I make it.

[ballast]

Hurt,

What you are enduring is a terrible sitch. I have all the respect and empathy for you so take what I say next as such:

You need to shut up past kids with W! Shut up what comes out your mouth and try try try to do the same with your mind for your sanity. God knows W is crazy wayward and you are rightly reeling, but you must chill the H out.

Like going into battle when they say weapons and ammo, for you it is you and kids, DROP all the other s**t.

Saying this to you with all the respect in the world for the H you are going through.

You MUST find a way to calm yourself. We are all on your side and praying for you buddy!

B

[LH19]

Why do you think her having an affair is none of your business? If that's the case why can't she have the affair and you can going on living under the same roof and live happily ever after?

You see you are confused. You can't make her stop having an affair but it is certainly is your business while you are married. It's up to you on whether an open marriage is a boundary for you.

[Hurt213]

B,

Thank you. I will do my absolute best to shut the fk up from here on out!

LH,
I am confused, I have never felt more confused in my life, but im trying to find a footing in all of this madness. I am not accepting the affair. I am saying I haven no power over her, and thus she can do as she pleases - I am not the voice of reason. My actions this far in showing her my regret for her decisions and that I will not tolerate it has only brought the house sale and splitting up onto us. It is bound to happen, and need to happen I think in order for her to see what is lost. I am here right now, and nothing is really changed for her. Even if im in the MBR when she is home, im still here. I can't be out all the time, I need to rest and yea, she needs to realize what her new world looks like. Maybe she will embrace it. Most likely she will see that I am probably a bigger part of her life than she thinks right now, and that its not so easy to replace 12 years of history, intimacy and real trust with a guy you have dated for 3 months.

[LH19]

H,

I know this is hard and I am not discounting that and I know it is easy for me to say as an outsider. The reality that gets lost by newcomers is there is no magic fix. You could DB perfectly and there is no guarantee she stops the affair and wants to reconcile. DB just gives you the best chance to save yourself and that in-turn may save your marriage. At some point Hurt you have to forget about DB and dig down deep and ask yourself why you feel you deserved to be treated this way. I hate to say this but you have probably the most disrespectful W I have seen in 4 years on this board. I literally get angry when I read your posts. You are a good man and you do not deserve the treatment you are getting from your wife. Only you can decide what you are willing to tolerate. If you can't do it for yourself then do it for your children. Show them how a man reacts to adversity. You will survive this and be fine on your own.

Good luck my friend.