Marina, thanks so much. I appreciate all the advice. I have read your threads and supported you, have nothing to add but please know I am with you. Davide and Nic, as always, you guys are the best and thank you for the support. Updates - I have hardly been able to visit the boards, will catch up and comment on your sitches soon. Our D settlement is almost final, the past few weeks there has been a lot of back and forth and with a complete communication breakdown between WH and I we had to rely on lawyers. For 2 people who just had a baby a year ago and were supposedly completely in sync this seems crazy but well that is where things are right now. WH is an energy drain to be honest, he [censored] out any positivity I try to bring in my life and for my own sanity I have kept communciation a minimum. Although the final settlement is yet to be signed, I am content where it has reached. The one and only thing I wanted is financial security for my 2 babies and I think I have achieved that through this. Basically both WH and I would start off with hardly any money to our names, but we are adults who should be able to take care of ourselves. I want my childrens future secured so I can rest in peace that they have an ability to get a great education no matter how things pan out in the future. WH called me last week and we talked for over an hour for the first time in a year now. It was mainly about the items for separation agreement but he did open up a tad bit. For the first time, he owned some of his mistakes and confided that he was still severely depressed. We didnt hit any romantic chord, but I think we spoke as co-parents of 2 beautiful children who deserved better. There was still a lot of blaming me for things that were obviously his to own, he is far from having any kind of remorse and doesnt admit that there is a OW. I owned my part of the demise where I thought it was appropriate but kept quiet when I did not agree to the blames he laid on me. I did not validate because I wanted to save the MR anymore, I only did what would be the right thing to do. He was crying at times I only choked up when I spoke of how it didnt matter what we had done to each other but we surely had failed our beautiful little children. He thinks the children are going to be absolutely fine, he agreed he was slacking while he was at home where as I have always pulled 100% of the weight as a mother and he feels he is a better father now. I responded that I am glad for the children. He is not in any therapy for his depression, he feels no therapist understands him, probably because he is still not able to own his part in it and is looking to shift blame. He feels severely judged by the people around us, some of it seems to be paranoia on his part. The same people I told him have been supporting me, either in offering it up verbally or giving me my space without asking questions. We are on such very different frequencies at this time. I told him that if the lows of life could be so low for both of us, the highs are going to be that much better for each of us individually and I cant wait to see what future unfolds but he seems to be in the its all doomed phase. He wanted me to move away from here to escape all the judgement and it was no longer to the place where OW lives. I firmly but politely told him, it is time I think of what is best for the girls and me and I am planning my life here in the future and I will not be moving anywhere any time soon. He voiced out that I had coped so much better with this than him. I did not find faults, point fingers or remind him of his mistakes or that this is all his decision, to be honest I do not find the need to do it anymore. I just want to be. Was I secretly hoping he will admit his mistake and want to come back, absolutely, but I have no urgency for it nor do I feel attracted to him the way he is right now.He truly seems still broken and lost.
I am DBing now, not to save my MR anymore, but honestly to move forward. Talking to him although made me sad to see where we had ended, I have no desire to beg him to come back or even take him back as he is now. He has no remorse and his baggage is so heavy that it is not my problem anymore. I realize it is going to take him a long time to own his mistakes, if he ever does. He still lives in his head convincing himself that his choice was the right one for the family. I may not be able to save my MR afterall, the D is right round the corner but I am really OK, disappointed at how it ended but I have learnt so much in the past year that I could have gone a life time without realizing any of it my entire life if not for BD. In my own strange way, I am grateful even for this year which has been the most painful year of my life. I am so much wiser for it. On a side note, I think I know who the OW is. It is a friend of his from school that he met up while I was pregnant last year. He probably was depressed already, I was a crazy irritable pregnant person who felt he wasnt pulling his weight and made him feel bad about it. Somewhere we both lost it, as I grew more irritable he drew himself closer to OW. She is also going thru a D, the 2 bozos moved out at the same time and probably are supporting each other through it all. It is so shallow of him though that all it took was 6 months to meet OW and BD me, after 2 children and 15 years together I know I deserve better. But none of that matters anymore, either he stays back here for the sake of kids post D or he runs to pursue his happiness with OW is up to him. I have my beautiful life to make and 2 wonderful children to raise. I do really believe that after all this $h!t, life can only get better and exciting from here on.
