Had a helpful therapy session with W. Therapist helpfully guided us to identifying the infinite loop hijacking our relationship. My end of the loop: I am anti-authoritarian and insistent that ALL emotions are okay; it's what we do about those emotions that counts. W's side: because of her familial history, she has trouble navigating complex emotions; plus there's a level of control she exerts on my emotions she deems unacceptable.
On Kiro's thread, there was an exchange about our need as LBS's to be patient and to not exert pressure. Therapist backed up that sentiment by explicitly advising me: "Sometimes you can't and shouldn't step in and try to fix something. Perhaps stepping back would allow God to enter into the space you share with W."
Afterwards, W and I continued the conversation over coffee.
Take-aways: (1) Patience, patience, patience. (2) Don't rush love. It will or will not be bestowed, regardless of anything I do or say.
Right now, I feel overwhelmed by my emotional, physical, and spiritual love for W. I do not see this being reciprocated right now. And it may never come. But I choose to wait for now. Ain't walking away. Not yet.
Paco, thanks for sharing. You're lucky to have such a good therapist, who mentions God. I am not sure there are any such therapists where I live
Originally Posted by paco123
I hear you, Steve. To be honest, I was happy.
Part of it is expectations and an attitude of thanksgiving. But thanks for the input.
I have been thinking about what I wrote on my thread about the LBS's emotional fog and about AS's reply that Steve referred to here. And actually, I agree with what you wrote here.
Actually, after coming out of my LBS fog, I don't feel the intense emotion toward my W anymore and I am content and looking forward to a new life after D. This being said, I was happy during my MR. It wasn't a perfect MR (not even sure if there is such a thing). We had our differences. At times, I fantasized about a better MR and a better W. I wasn't always the best H either. But overall, I liked what I had and I was happy.
If I were to restart all over, I would choose to marry my W again and relive the 17 years of my MR before BD. After BD, it is true that I entered the LBS's fog and idealized my W and our MR in an exaggerated way, but something else more important also happened in parallel. I realized the blessings that God had bestowed upon me and that I hadn't been thankful enough.
Here is another theory I have come up with about my story (sorry if it's too religious for some people): I wasn't very close to God when I was young. Then around my mid 20's, I was drawn closer to God and started following a better path. A few years later, I was fortunate to meet my W, a beautiful, modest, virtuous and religious woman. I never realized that God had rewarded me with the blessing of a good W, great kids and a wonderful family. Unfortunately, the last few years of my MR, I moved away from God for a second time and stopped being thankful for what I had.
I can't say whether my separation is a punishment from God, but it's definitely a trial from God that helped me improve and go back to God's path. At BD, I didn't only have an emotional awakening. I also had a spiritual one. And I realized what I was about to lose.
Anyway, all that to say that even if my family wasn't perfect in many standards, it was My family and I actually was happy and content with it.
This doesn't mean that I have to be stuck in the past. There comes a time when we need to accept the new path that God has chosen for us and move on.
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
