Milestones of Moving On (?)

[TJT]

Sorry I've been so long before replying. I read your response burned right away and it was great to read but I just didn't get around to logging in and responding!

Anyway, I think you've pointed out an important aspect of relativity in all of this. It's the same reason I get so frustrated when people tell me I could do better. Because, like, sure, maybe on certain things I could find someone better than my H was, but then that person may be worse on other things. I guess you could argue that as a whole "package" some people net out to be "better" than others, but ultimately it's up to each individual person to determine what's better and what's worse.

But whatever, it's stupid to have to even be thinking about it, like you said. I never thought of it in reverse but you're right... we are the ones who were committed and loyal to our spouse and that's why we're not in affairs. AND I have to think that ultimately the people who cheated on other people with each other will have trust issues and realize that their version of "better" at the time was severely flawed because now they can't count on that person!

Moving on, today is our anniversary. It was basically a normal day for me, and I can't decide how I feel about that. I mean, I'm glad I wasn't a wreck, but it's one of those sad things where it's like, man, does this day really not mean anything anymore? For sure I had tried to prep myself all week for this day, and I did cry a little bit yesterday thinking about it and knowing there wasn't much to look forward to, but all in all it wasn't anything major.

I thought about writing him many times, even trying to justify in my head why it would matter even if writing him is a bad idea, if at this point I believe he's not going to change his mind. But the urge wasn't that strong, it was more of a longing, and I think it didn't upset me AS much because in a way I did feel separated from the "feeling". Not that I didn't feel disappointed and sad...but I guess it was more of an acceptance that this is how it is. Which seems weird to say because I totally don't feel like I've actually accepted the whole situation but... I don't know, I need to process more I think.

I did wonder if anyone was going to reach out to me today though. Maybe his parents...or at least the pastor/his friend who married us who I initially reached out to after BD (especially since I haven't updated him on how that all panned out). But nobody did, and partially I'm glad that I didn't have that "distraction" but I'd be lying if I didn't say it also disappointed me. I think it's because I feel like nobody else is really supporting or fighting for us to stay together maybe? I feel like wow, it's just so easy for everyone to forget this was a thing or at least not be concerned about the status of it.

I told a childhood friend of mine who lives in another state for the first time earlier this week about everything that was going on. She did send me some chocolate covered fruit today saying she was thinking of me, which was a very considerate gesture. ALSO, speaking of gifts, another friend of mine bought me a new mattress... a freaking expensive, king size mattress, that we had talked about me buying but then I told her I was budgeting more and needed to wait, blah blah... and then she just ordered it for me. It's probably the most expensive gift I've ever gotten but I'm just amazed at how dedicated some of my friends are to helping me "refresh". I have to say that without them this whole thing would be much harder.

I also booked a trip to Mexico with the same friend for her birthday coming up. I was really anxious the first night after I bought the ticket. It was like when H first moved out and I was panicky just going to the grocery store... I just had this feeling of vulnerability or uncertainty or even fear, like I didn't want to leave home (even though I've left home once already since he's been gone and I was fine). I can't even really put my finger on the feeling or why I felt that way, except maybe that it was acknowledging another element of "loss" in terms of going on a vacation that my H wouldn't be a part of or that I would even be able to tell him about. But after a day or two that went away and I am looking forward to it more than not at this point.

Now I am thinking of the new swimsuits I can buy and toning up a little more so I can look amazing, knowing that my friend is going to be posting stuff on social media so I don't even have to worry about being the one looking like I'm flaunting stuff around, it will be very passive on my part which I feel like is better. At the same time I'm trying not to have any expectations in my head of whether H will see it or what he will think, and I'm doing decent at that. It crosses my mind but I also do feel a little empowered by it. Trying to focus on those feelings more than the others.

Speaking of SM I just want to report that I have done pretty well with my vow now to look at his or OW's SM. I think it's been maybe a week almost? Aside from things I can see on our shared calendar still, which isn't much. This is probably THE hardest thing for me to do at this point because I SO want to know things and figure out what's going on or potentially get line of sight to if/when things start going badly for H and OW... but I have resisted, and I do think it's helped. I may think about checking it a lot, but the way I see it it's better to be thinking about checking it and not do it than to check it and then be thinking about 5 million other things that get triggered by something I see that will impact my emotions much worse.

As far as the calendar goes I did see a Christmas party for his work and admit that I wondered about whether he would be taking OW, and IF he does what other people think of them together and therefore how that might impact his ego (clearly my hope is that other people will be judgy - specifically people whose opinions he still cares about or who he has a stake in keeping up appearances - and then make him rethink the whole thing). But trust me, I know that's partly just the fantasy I have in my head and trying to make my own vision of how I would react manifest itself...

Aside from all this, my general day to day state seems good and I am more and more getting these, like, flashes of thoughts of my long-term life without him and that being "normal". They happen very, very quickly (kind of when I'm doing something mundane like refilling the coffee pot) and it's a feeling of being at peace with it, but then I always detest in my own mind the thought of being alone. It's like I've said before, I know I'll be okay being alone, but I don't WANT to be. So I'm glad I'm not feeling as upset about it I guess but I still fear that I will forever be longing for something that will never get filled again.

I think that's "all" I have to update. I have IC tomorrow since I anticipated I might have a bad day today, and who knows, even though today is good, maybe I'll get a delayed reaction once today is fully over and I realize it came and went without event. But even if it's a good day tomorrow too, I'll just plan to share some of these good progressions and some of the stuff I've just shared that I'm still struggling to accept. Can't be a bad thing either way I suppose.