Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this. Pt 3

[Turbine]

Yail, to be honest I have a coworker, in laws, nieces and nephews and nearly everyone at church who can help me. I also have a word a day email. TV shows when my mother in law lived with us. Most of what I am learning is a word or phrase at a time. Horrible inefficient but I am trying to rewire my brain for something I had trouble with earlier in life. Darn near flunked Spanish more than once. Got a lot of Ds one year.

So meeting at work. Boss says this Friday will be the last furlough for the year. December is a short work month because of the holidays. It will be nice to have a 40 hour week check again. Going to be a little tough breaking the half day Friday addiction. Need the money more than the time off so...

So would like to see Mahal go back to church. Was such a large part of her life for so long. Makes me a little sad that she will toss that away for God knows what reason. I really hope she isn't doing so because I am returning to something she wanted and pushed me to do for so long. Yeah, I went the first time to show I could change and was willing to. Now... now I want to because I am finding a peace that has been lacking for far too long. How ironic that would be to return and she leaves... without returning because she is having a tantrum. Choice of words only... mind reading would be pointless.

So I had hit the gym pretty consistently over the past 3 days. All cardio so today is a rest day. Need the sleep anyway because I got about 5 hours last night. don't over do it Turbine. I have goals. got to make the effort to achieve them. More importantly is to be smart in doing so.

I've been thinking about a lot of stuff. There is a great deal I need to work out. Talking to my self at work might be okay for working on the equipment but this... a measure of discretion is called for. I mean there is so many things I would like to get out and express to her. Yeah... not always the best choice. Not always the worst but right now... who knows. So I might write her a letter here. Will she ever see it? Only if I copy and save it to a file for her. I might find it therapeutic in detaching and letting go. Which for the record has a part of me climbing the walls. I know why we have to... doing so yeah... I don't need to tell anyone reading the rest of that.

Annual physical next week. Definitely have some things to cover with my Dr.

Tomorrow is my Mom's birthday. Miss both my parents... wonder if my sister will have a down day. Really don't care. (I suppose that is the level of detach I should have about my W... hmmm) Went to extra effort to make arrangements for her (sister) to get out to the grave for our Dad's funeral. She can't walk that far and her power chair isn't the off road model. Cemetery was going to have someone drive her out in a golf cart and back. She couldn't handle it. ...smh... I tell you it was tough being a pall bearer for both of them. I did it though. I felt like I had to. Enough of that. I have enough going on that has me come apart at the seams.