Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this. Pt 3

[Turbine]

I've had much to think about the last few days. Reading Gordie's threads are inspiring on many levels. Brings up things I wonder about in my sitch. Tosses ideas around about those very things.

There was an interesting analogy brought up. Likening your wayward spouse to a phoenix. Stand too close and get hurt from debris or the flames from the emerging creature. In a way each of us as the left behind are doing the same thing. So I wonder about surviving the transformation.

Fear was another topic covered. Fear of being alone. Fear of the future in general. TBH I suspect a good portion of my angst is just that... fear. Fear of being alone,even with great supportive children, extended family and friends. Fear of being a failure. Failing to be who and what I should have been to keep her. Fear of being honest in looking at myself. Looking at her.

I feel that I haven't made enough changes in myself to count any of it as progress.

The minister I am talking with about faith and church is proud of my progress. Still, I feel that I am lacking something there. Lying to God is never smart and who really believes you can get away with that anyway? So more self doubt. W's attendance is spotty (I guess). Don't really keep track of it. Wish she would return. But that would mean accepting her actions are wrong with the whole D thing. Work on me and my faith.

Been to the gym three times and hit the bike for a our each one. More calories and more distance. Easy to see improvements. Not even close to any of the goals I am setting there.

Slow on learning Tagalog too. Honestly not expecting fast progress there, so any is good.

Call with my DB coach tomorrow. Interesting on how that will go. Still want the miracle. Some days more than others. Right now... yeah, want it but more open to an alternate ending. As He wills.