I am not great about posting to most people, because it just takes so much time, but I do follow several threads. I have thought about posting to you on a few occasions, but I don't, mainly because I get a sense that you dismiss things you just do not want to hear (read). For example, you have been asked more than once why you continue to spell out "my husband" and you completely ignored it. I think the language (and actions) we choose can mold our feelings and outcomes and so I would advise you think about that. Why don't you call him what he is? WH, WAH, STBXH? Other than on paper, he is not in any real form "your husband," and I do not say that to be rude, but I think it would help you to move forward. Baby steps add up over time and you still seem stuck on wanting him to return.
I also see that you are very stuck on your belief that your life would be better if he were to return and you could have your family together again. It's confusing to me because nothing you say about him indicates that he would be good partner or even decent co-parent. He just sounds like a selfish, adulterous, jerk honestly. He has not even shown remorse for what he has put YOU through and it's all about him and what he feels like doing or not doing. I would actually hope for you that if he does try and R, that you kindly tell him to p1ss off and just focus on being a halfway decent father.
The reason I posted was not to come down on you, but because I see some similarities in us. It seems that you battle with some deep rooted fear of being alone, abandonment or depression/anxiety. You mention that you don't have a family and cannot even talk to them. So it would make sense if you have some internal pain that is keeping you so attached to this (delusional) idea that your WH returning would provide a better life in some way. Maika called me out on something in my thread and I think it applies to you too. Do you see yourself as a victim? Will that be your story? I think the way we continue to view ourselves, and our sitch, very much prevents us from creating a more positive future. Are these things you can unpack with a good IC?
You and your D deserve a good life! A great life! That should not be hinged on whether he comes back or doesn't. I spoke once to you about codependency and you gave a long-winded response as to how that was not what this is. I respectfully disagree. I may not be as educated or intelligent as you and you clearly are a much better writer than I. But I know people and I know what I see; I see a woman that desperately believes that she needs this man to return to have a better life. And I believe you are 100% wrong in that. But, YOU need to change your beliefs and the way you see yourself and your situation. I think it iis time to do some work so that you can start believing that fully. In order to create that wonderful life without him, you first need to accept that it is possible.
