We had an interesting bit of communication this last week. I mentioned that it still bothers me that I have NEVER in 10 years, heard anything from Wolfie that indicated the slightest bit jealous or possessive.
For the first time, he admitted to having "twinges" of insecurity from time to time. Apparently, he has had more than a few "twinges" about a specific male co-worker (and friend) of mine. The situation is that there are 3 men that I work with now that also all used to work together at a different place before. I consider all 3 guys to be friends of mine, but I am very aware of boundaries with my male friends.
The guy that Wolfie has worried about is an attorney and he doesn't have very good boundaries. He complains about his rather dysfunctional wife & home life frequently. A few months ago, I felt that he was going to far in telling me things that were a little too personal about his marraige, so I asked him to stop talking to me about it.
Over the years, whenever Wolfie and I would talk about our workday, I probably have told him quite a bit about the attorney friend of mine...jokes he has told...cases we worked on together...his griping about his wife.
Wolfie said that he started wondering if it was just a matter of time because I am friends with this man, the man is unhappy at home, and I spend more time at work than I actually spend with Wolfie (Wolfie works nights). Wolfie has told me many times that he doesn't "worry" about me being unfaithful, but as it turns out, he worries that one day I will up and tell him that I have grown to have feelings for someone else (more than likely the attorney guy) and end our relationship.
I was pretty much shocked to hear all of this stuff. For one, it had never occurred to me to ever commit infidelity. **well...except for right after the bomb when I briefly considered having an A as revenge***
I just have never looked at another man in that way--not even potentially. I ESPECIALLY have never looked at the attorney guy as even remotely attractive!
Anyway, I told Wolfie that he's got nothing at all to worry about with me! I'm glad to know that he does have some twinges of jealousy, because I don't want to be totally taken for granted. Still, I was sad to hear that for years he's been walking around waiting for the shoe to drop. I told him that he just isn't disposable or replaceable to me!
All of this is important info for me in terms of understanding the reasons that lead Wolfie into having an A. Shortly after I found out about his infidelity, Wolfie said a lot of things about how he believed it was "just a matter of time" before I asked him to leave. He had convinced himself that I just didn't love him anymore. The truth was that I was mad at him for emotionally distancing himself from me and acting like an ass--but I was never considering ending the R.
All of this is more clear now. It's a big piece of the puzzle that I have been missing in understanding the nuclear bomb that landed on my life.
