I've been having 2nd thoughts about my decision to not allow H to sleep over Christmas Eve. Looking back, I think my motive was more to 'stick it to him' rather than it would really make me uncomfortable. Was it just a manipulation to see how he would respond? Would I really feel uncomfortable? Does it really matter if he leaves and then just comes back the next morning?
I’m struggling with this whole “be the lighthouse” thing. How can you be a lighthouse when you never see them and the only communication is via text or e-mail and only about “business”? I also had a few days in which I just wanted to announce to the whole world, including the kids, all the REAL reasons we are not together now. All the sordid, terrible details. I had terrible thoughts of wanting to punish H, and I hope he’s miserable. But, of course I won’t. I’ve been praying about it. I hate that person in me. I’m in a better frame of mind now. That’s when I started wondering if I should tell H I really don’t mind if he wants to sleep over Christmas Eve. Is it doubting myself? God telling me to show love and grace?
I had a friend tell me Monday she wants me to start looking for those things that happen throughout the day that shows me God is listening. She named a few examples for herself that gave me goosebumps. Last night my bible study leader invited me out for coffee. She gave me HER story where she was the WAW (after 13 years of marriage, now married 40 years!). She finished by saying she wants me to be aware of the things that happen on a day-to-day basis the shows God is working and listening. Wow! The exact same thing my friend told me just a few days before. Now here is the really weird part. As soon as I met up with her, I made a mental note to ask her about an easy to do devotional for beginners. I forgot about it as we talked about my sitch and hers. Well, as we were leaving, she gave me a Christmas gift. And what was it? A small devotional book. WOW!
She also told me that what helped her “see the light” was the love and grace shown by her H. Including her in family things with a smile on his face, for example. She couldn’t understand why he would do that after what she had done (want to leave the M). “Why would you want to stay married to me after all I’ve done”. H has said that so many times to me before he moved out.
I am struggling with how I can show H love and grace (be the lighthouse) in light of hardly even seeing each other or speaking. But, I think the real problem is H hasn’t discovered what grace is. I don’t know if he ever will. Whether we R or not, I hope so for his sake he does. He must be very sad and miserable in spite of outward appearances. Terrible way to live the rest of your life, isn’t it?
