Bartender in my case is my server... at a very public establishment with lots of people around... and i have not been open in any way to any kind of intimate connection or sharing, even conversationally with this girl. Contrast this to the very private (as few as three people, on male doctor and two women) get togethers after hours, in a closed office space, with a close co-worker (and arguably a superior though not directly so) with drinking by both parties, and with a demonstrated willingness to share intimate details about one's personal/marital situation and struggles, and this by a woman WHO IS JUST COMING OFF OF AN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR! The two situations are on completely different levels with significantly different levels of opportunity/risk for something to happen or lines to be crowded/crossed (Reasonably high in the former compared to very low in the latter, imho).
You missed my point, which was how it made you feel when she stayed for drinks.
No matter how much logic you might apply to your situation with the bartender, what matters is how it makes your W feel.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
