Hoosjim's 16th. Looks like we're piecing, folks.

[hoosjim]

First just let me say again: Thanks to everyone here! Y'all are truly a blessing. Dont know where i'd be right now if not for this site and the kind people here-on.

Sandi2:

Remember how you felt when your W would stay after work for wine in the doctor's office? Although she may not have been interested in the doctor, you still weren't comfortable with it......and didn't really trust the doc. And, you suspect the doctor still has a thing for your W.

Okay, so, while i really think everyone here is pretty spot on on the way i should approach this, i do have to take exception to this comparison. Bartender in my case is my server... at a very public establishment with lots of people around... and i have not been open in any way to any kind of intimate connection or sharing, even conversationally with this girl. Contrast this to the very private (as few as three people, on male doctor and two women) get togethers after hours, in a closed office space, with a close co-worker (and arguably a superior though not directly so) with drinking by both parties, and with a demonstrated willingness to share intimate details about one's personal/marital situation and struggles, and this by a woman WHO IS JUST COMING OFF OF AN EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR! The two situations are on completely different levels with significantly different levels of opportunity/risk for something to happen or lines to be crowded/crossed (Reasonably high in the former compared to very low in the latter, imho).

Having said that, yes... you are correct that my wife's discomforture comes from the same place and much the same dynamic as mine did with her actions and, yes, I remember vividly how i felt about all that and yes, there is potential there for there to be some kind of bonding/trust develop, i suppose, with this bartender in that setting/scenario, But lets not pretend the two are anywhere near the same level of danger or offensiveness.

But the bartender has designs on you!

And this, i am far from certain of. Aside from my wife's observations, it stems only from that one evening and what she said/implied... and if that is what she was intending she was very subtle about it.. it was pretty far from "you want to stay after and have a drink with me" or anything of that nature. More like, if anything, a door opened a crack for me to make an approach if i wanted. Maybe not even that. More i think about it more i think i just have a heightened sense of awareness about that sort of thing after what W and i went through (something else i told W that night.) On some level almost wish i hadn't told W because it very well could have been nothing, bartender seems in all respects to be a nice girl, and i'd hate to have W thinking less of her because i misinterpreted something.

Again, having said all that, yes, my first responsibility/loyalty is to my W, MR and family... so that should be my first consideration.

ovrrnbw:

I think if you keep going to that bar you're asking for trouble. But hey I'm glad you got to feel the positive attention from this young gal, that's gotta feel good.

Yes, this is true. I have to admit both the "vibe" i got from bartender that night, as well as when W intimates she thinks bartender has eyes for me, does stoke my ego on some level. How can it not? (I also think it's good on some level for my W...as well as for any spouse for that matter... to think/know that their spouse is desirable to members of the opposite sex). Which brings up an important point ive made before and would like to reiterate for anyone still going through "the stuff" right now in their own MR: Be VERY careful about what you do and about how you respond to members of the opposite sex, particularly when you are out and particularly where alcohol is involved. If you have been in a cold or loveless or strained MR for a while, when you first receive attention from a member of the opposite sex in can be INTOXICATING. At one point during W's affair i remember being out with my buddy and i had kind of reached an "Eff this, im going to be me and let loose and enjoy myself" point, so idid just that... socialized, talked to people, including women, laughed, joked, flirted a little... and a couple, particularly one (another fairly young woman) responded...and it became very clear she was interested. My head swam. It's a good thing a) i had not had too much to drink b) was with a good friend who helped reel me back in and most importantly c) had a good grounding in my faith by that point which served as a bedrock foundation i never lost sight of, clung to, and pulled myself back from that. But it taught me a few things-- most importantly gave me some insight into how my W must be feeling and how she could have fallen into waywardness in response to the blandishments of OM, and secondly gave me a sense of of the importance of line drawing and being cognizant of where you were and what you wanted, and thirdly that you need to stay aware of the OTHER person in the equation-- they have feelings to. Wouldn't want to lead somebody on.

Yail:

Also, unless the bartender is an owner - bartending tends to be a profession with high turnover. So who knows, perhaps this bartender will be gone in 3 months to the next adventure. You may have your bar back in the future.

Yes, this is undoubtedly true. Good point. Although she has already been there 4 years at this point. Even so, she is also a doctoral student at a local university (my W's alma mater, go figure) and nearing the end of her degree so presumably she will soon be moving on to "better" things (though bartenders around here tend to do pretty well). Ironically, though, she will be working in the same field as my W works in and that community is somewhat insular around here-- would not at all surprise me to run into her again at some point. In fact, we found out at one point that one of her professors-- her academic advisor actually, works very closely with one of the doctor's in my W's practice, and, of course, the founder of the practice where my W works is a major benefactor of the program at this university where bartender is studying and a big name in the community/field. Same doctor whose daughter i attended college and was friends with well before i met/knew my W... who was also friends with her and worked at the clinic. Alot of weird connections all around... but that seems to be the state of my life. Everything's connected, and its all meaningful. That's the one thing i do wonder about here... with everything else that's happened, cant help but think that this person (bartender) crossed my path for a reason (or vice versa). Maybe to test me? Maybe just so my W could see another woman show interest in me? who knows. But all the connections like that always make me sit up and take note-- like the ones with my one long lost friend and my church he introduced me to and my other REALLY long lost friend who ended up being a counselor and turning up just at the right time for us with a friend/associate counselor who espoused some of same philsophies we heard from this church... all turning up at the same time... just in time to help us. Connections.

burned:

Anyway, no matter what, show her that you respect her and the MR more than you care about the watering hole. Plenty of other places to have a drink. Like, your bathtub, with W, bottle of wine, candles...

Burned! Listen to you, brother! (And you sly dog.) You're going to make some lucky lady a fine catch one day... Good advice, been making it a point to "date" my wife, but a cozy romantic evening at home like that might be a cool change of pace. She does like baths....

At any rate-- point well taken by all and it is the advice i expected. need to respect/honor my W and my MR. Sure gonna miss that place, though. Was really a refuge for me during my difficult days.

thanks All!!!