So the new real estate brokers are now done with paperworks for the sale and they need us to accept the wording so they can proceed with the sale. As far as I understand, I am not going to stand in WWs way of getting out of our lives, but I don't do any work.
Well she just texted me the following:
"I hope you all came out of the door well this morning (emoji smiley and emoji thumbs up), Did you respond the brokers regarding the sales papers? Do I also have to respond to them ? Or is it okay if only one of us answers them?"
I haven't answered her. How do I reply ? I am thinking something like "This is your endeavor, so if you feel like it, go ahead and accept the papers".
I wont respond until I hear from the board
I always responded to my ex during the divorce like this:
"Yes, you should. Thanks."
Or:
"No. Thanks."
And almost always via text where I could control my emotional output.
Be polite. Be short and to the point. Avoid word soup.
This is a business transaction now.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
I came to wonder about the following. So the general advice on here, has been to not give WW the cake-eating opportunity of spending time with me, when the kids are sleeping - meaning that whenever kids sleep, and we are in the house together, I go to another room and avoid spending time with her. I have been doing that every night that I have been home going to MBR and work / read / relax or go to bed early.
Now I came to wonder. One of the things, that WW told me on more than on occasion was: "I wanted to spend time with you, but you prioritized everything and everyone else", "I just wanted to sit on the couch with you and watch a movie, but you never found time, or always had an apology", "I wanted to cuddle up in blankets with you in the livingroom, but you never wanted to, and always refused saying it was too warm or you didn't feel like it".
I can see how not giving her cake-eating opportunities with me as long as she is with another man makes the most sense. But I also think, she told me straight up, what she really was longing for, and what I didn't provide, and definitely do not at this time.
I just came to think about those statements, and then wanted to be absolutely sure, that I do continue this path (I think I do?)
This question comes up quite frequently. "WAS said I was cold and distant in the M, isn't giving her time and space just 'more of the same' behavior? Aren't I just pushing her farther away?" First you have to ask yourself was it really as bad as she's making it sound, because WAS's love to rewrite history, exaggerate facts and even come up with complete nonsense as a way of justifying their actions. Second you have to understand that once she became a WAS she no longer wants you to fix whatever problems she presents you with. Whereas before she was a WAS she may have wanted you to change, now she doesn't want you to, she's just explaining to you why she's done. Any non-intimate changes you make are going to be seen by her as "too little too late" (she may even say that out loud) and any intimate changes (spending more time together, cuddling, etc.) are going to turn her off or even repulse her.
So the answer is do not do anything that can be construed as pursuit behavior such as trying to cuddle, physical touches, spending more time with her because she doesn't want those things from you right now. Do 180's on any bad behavior you can though, not for her but for YOU. Eventually she will probably look back, and you want her to see a better you- more together, confident, good-looking, fit. Maybe THEN she'll want that cuddle time again, but it's going to take a long while.
Originally Posted by Hurt213
Well she just texted me the following:
"I hope you all came out of the door well this morning (emoji smiley and emoji thumbs up), Did you respond the brokers regarding the sales papers? Do I also have to respond to them ? Or is it okay if only one of us answers them?"
I haven't answered her. How do I reply ? I am thinking something like "This is your endeavor, so if you feel like it, go ahead and accept the papers".
I agree with Joe, short and to the point wins the day. "Yes, you should. Thanks." is perfect. Brief, neutral, polite. Be careful with comments like "this is your endeavor" because it's unnecessary, accusatory and inflammatory. That's how fights get started!
I am glad I waited with a response, and i see how attached I am since I had an urge to reply instantly. Now 4 hours later, it felt good to just write "That is fine, thanks."
I see what you mean by her not wanting the things now, that she craved earlier. And I will not be putting on a behavior that looks needy or repulses her.
I will give her space, and detach for my sake as I have been doing since my birthday screwup. I will show no interest in OM and her endeavors, and stay out of it. I will try to reject all her temp-checks.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
I am glad I waited with a response, and i see how attached I am since I had an urge to reply instantly. Now 4 hours later, it felt good to just write "That is fine, thanks."
I see what you mean by her not wanting the things now, that she craved earlier. And I will not be putting on a behavior that looks needy or repulses her.
I will give her space, and detach for my sake as I have been doing since my birthday screwup. I will show no interest in OM and her endeavors, and stay out of it. I will try to reject all her temp-checks.
Good job waiting. Do not respond instantly, ever. (Unless it is an ACUAL emergency or if it is important involving your kids.)
She does not snap her fingers and summon you.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Now I came to wonder. One of the things, that WW told me on more than on occasion was: "I wanted to spend time with you, but you prioritized everything and everyone else", "I just wanted to sit on the couch with you and watch a movie, but you never found time, or always had an apology", "I wanted to cuddle up in blankets with you in the livingroom, but you never wanted to, and always refused saying it was too warm or you didn't feel like it".
I can see how not giving her cake-eating opportunities with me as long as she is with another man makes the most sense. But I also think, she told me straight up, what she really was longing for, and what I didn't provide, and definitely do not at this time.
This can be confusing to a lot of newcomers, and also when they are first learning about 180's. First, let me try to clear up something. This was her complaint about you in the MR However, it is not the deal breaker at this point. Understand? You have a WW now. You could spend every waking minute with her and cuddle till you turned blue and it would not change her cold heart, b/c it's not what's currently wrong in the MR. Her waywardness is what's wrong, and your NGS is an issue.
Secondly, her "complaints" at this time should not be a primary concern for you. And 180's are not about trying to fix her complaints while she is wayward. 180's can be about a lot of things that have nothing to do with her.
If and when she ends her waywardness, and the two are you are working on your R, you'll be able to spend quality time and snuggle to your heart's content.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Fake it till you make it.... I should make that the text for my next tattoo piece... It's hard, its damn hard, you know it, I am realizing it, and most of us live it on daily basis.
Im sitting here, having a coffee, house is empty. WW took the kids to daycare. Just looking around, all the little marks and bruises from the kids playing just reminds me of the fact that, I won't be sitting here in 20 years reminiscing over the stories hidden in those marks as I had planned out. I will be somewhere else (yes I will most likely be happy, be with a woman that loves me and have had 20 great years, but still, its not what I had planned and that hurts no matter how logical I try to look at it).
Yesterday evening she went out, and it was a great night, I didn't think of her and watched a game on the tv before I called it an early night. This morning was different. My mind was really playing with me. She was dressed up in leather pants and a little shirt that went with it, and she looked damn fine (even though I know that is only on the outside). I shouldn't care, but this morning I did. So I try to fake it, but I end up really being "shielded" when she asks questions. "Yes, No" "mmh". It shouldn't bother me, she doesn't deserve any better, but it annoys me, I still somehow feel like she doesn't deserve the silent "little angry man pose" treatment. I don't even look at her these days, just "two ships passing by each other". When I answer her, I stare somewhere else. Again, this shouldn't bother me.
She seems to be completely having come to terms with her undoing, she most likely has. We are now just acquaintances, living together in a formal setting, and then there are two kids in the mix. She isn't bothered. She seems to even have embraced just living in S1's room with all her belongings. I want to be in her mindset. It got me this morning, I studied her (detach alert fk me.....) this morning, and she really just seems genuine happy with the way things are progressing with her life, with OM (they are all over each other again), and how fast she has been able to dissolve any family relations between her and I (I hate it when she goes around the house smiling, and then 10 minutes later she is out the door, not because I don't think she deserves to be happy, all people do - but because of the way she has been treating me and at times the kids. So I know, I need to say goodbye to this life, as I think there is no chance she will come back. But its so hard. Not the telling myself "im letting go" part, but letting go...
She compliments me, writes me during the day, wants to smalltalk all the time. She constantly tries to talk about family related things that are not important (cake eating), and I just end up looking like a sour little man, because I ignore her requests and goes to another room if I have to stay in the house.
So yes. I might be beta, I sure as hell has NGS tendencies, I have a lot to learn. I have gotten a lot of advice, several times, but... I am also being completely honest about my journey and my struggles.
I hope the day will be better from here on out. The thought of going out there and creating a life where she is no longer a part of it, is also something I am scared of, because as we all do I assume, I love that evil creature, and holy [censored] that is absurd...
/h
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
So in a follow up to my "emotional" outburst in journaling form above, I also came to wonder over the past couple of hours. So what I want, is to detach myself and be able to move forward with or without her in my life. If without, then detachment makes it that much easier, am I right?
I also have been advised multiple times to be; A man only a fool would leave.
So by advice from Sandi, I was to not engage in any activities with her. Tell her that I am done with her, and then be done with her, and show that to her through me not wanting anything to do with her because of her actions as a WW.
How do I do this, and at the same time "ooze" the effect of being a man only a fool would leave?
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
It's a long process that doesn't happen over night. You don't go from beta to alpha overnight by snapping your fingers because if that is the case everyone would do it.
It starts with developing the mindset that I love myself and value myself too much to allow anyone to treat me the way she is treating you. This is most likely going to take years for you to develop.
There is no faking it or shortcuts by the time everyone gets to the board. It a process you have to go through. Most people don't make the changes because it's too hard.
That's the catch-22. If you became AMOAFWL you wouldn't want your W back because you would never allow another person to treat you that way.
My advice to you is to get out of living under the same roof ASAP.
You donīt need to tell what you are doing. Stay away from her and get into amoafwl. You need to be strong and consistent with your actions. Be there for the kids and keep moving forward.
Itīs hard man, we know that. But living the way you are living is harder than that, right?
Stay strong H, keep moving. Keep detaching.
Originally Posted by LH19
That's the catch-22. If you became AMOAFWL you wouldn't want your W back because you would never allow another person to treat you that way.
