13 years and 2 kids pt. 3.

[Hurt213]

Journaling.

Fake it till you make it.... I should make that the text for my next tattoo piece... It's hard, its damn hard, you know it, I am realizing it, and most of us live it on daily basis.

Im sitting here, having a coffee, house is empty. WW took the kids to daycare. Just looking around, all the little marks and bruises from the kids playing just reminds me of the fact that, I won't be sitting here in 20 years reminiscing over the stories hidden in those marks as I had planned out. I will be somewhere else (yes I will most likely be happy, be with a woman that loves me and have had 20 great years, but still, its not what I had planned and that hurts no matter how logical I try to look at it).

Yesterday evening she went out, and it was a great night, I didn't think of her and watched a game on the tv before I called it an early night. This morning was different. My mind was really playing with me. She was dressed up in leather pants and a little shirt that went with it, and she looked damn fine (even though I know that is only on the outside). I shouldn't care, but this morning I did. So I try to fake it, but I end up really being "shielded" when she asks questions. "Yes, No" "mmh". It shouldn't bother me, she doesn't deserve any better, but it annoys me, I still somehow feel like she doesn't deserve the silent "little angry man pose" treatment. I don't even look at her these days, just "two ships passing by each other". When I answer her, I stare somewhere else. Again, this shouldn't bother me.

She seems to be completely having come to terms with her undoing, she most likely has. We are now just acquaintances, living together in a formal setting, and then there are two kids in the mix. She isn't bothered. She seems to even have embraced just living in S1's room with all her belongings. I want to be in her mindset. It got me this morning, I studied her (detach alert fk me.....) this morning, and she really just seems genuine happy with the way things are progressing with her life, with OM (they are all over each other again), and how fast she has been able to dissolve any family relations between her and I (I hate it when she goes around the house smiling, and then 10 minutes later she is out the door, not because I don't think she deserves to be happy, all people do - but because of the way she has been treating me and at times the kids. So I know, I need to say goodbye to this life, as I think there is no chance she will come back. But its so hard. Not the telling myself "im letting go" part, but letting go...

She compliments me, writes me during the day, wants to smalltalk all the time. She constantly tries to talk about family related things that are not important (cake eating), and I just end up looking like a sour little man, because I ignore her requests and goes to another room if I have to stay in the house.

So yes. I might be beta, I sure as hell has NGS tendencies, I have a lot to learn. I have gotten a lot of advice, several times, but... I am also being completely honest about my journey and my struggles.

I hope the day will be better from here on out. The thought of going out there and creating a life where she is no longer a part of it, is also something I am scared of, because as we all do I assume, I love that evil creature, and holy [censored] that is absurd...

/h