I have needed to take a break from the boards but I have to report...things are going great.
My old R is dead and gone, but something new and improved is growing stronger every day. As you all know, Wolfie was regretful, guilty, and ashamed, but was not terribly understanding about the after-effects of his infidelity and was practically demanding that I put it all in a box and never bring it up again.
That doesn't work for me. The healing process will take a long time--and I am a process kind of person. Suppressing my stuff was coming out in bad ways, including nightmares.
One day on TV, some show was based on updates on people 5 years after the Columbine tragedy. After weeks of silence on the issue, I told him that the infidelity had affected me in a similar way to how those survivors were affected. I fully described the whole process of healing--including the triggers, the obsessions, the emotional rollercoaster, the anxiety and fear that it may still be going on or will happen again...everything.
I said that the work I had been doing in counseling was to work on all of those PTSD symptoms, so it's not like I'm choosing to stay stuck, but I didn't think reconcilliation was going to work if I have to suppress everything for HIS comfort. I said that if he didn't have the patience or compassion to make the transition from the wounder to the healer...then I didn't think reconcilliation would work.
I sat there and waited for him to blow up...but instead he broke down sobbing. He said he "gets it now" and was "so sorry that he had been pushing me to heal faster because he was still being self-centered". Wow!
We have only had a few brief-but-in-depth R talks since then, but something has definately shifted. I don't think he could be more sweet and considerate. He's pro-active about bringing up any doubts and fears he thinks I may be dealing with. If I am too quiet for his comfort...he double-checks to make sure that I'm not feeling sad or angry or whatever. Once, when I was feeling a bit of anger over something I was triggered into remembering about the infidelity, I really kept it to myself. He noticed and pretty much hounded me until I would talk about it. When I did talk about it, he acknowledged that I should be angry and that he was very sorry.
THIS is what I have needed all along. It has been 15 months, but now Wolfie is acting like he's REMORSEFUL. Instead of avoiding conflict, he's being pro-active.
For me, the result has been finally being able to start relaxing and let go of a lot of things. I have been very vocal about expressing my appreciation when he has been extra-sweet or concerned or affectionate. I've let him know how much it helps me not to feel like I'm struggeling alone, but healing together.
He really appreciates the appreciation & keeps doing more of it. I NEVER expected this of him, and it has been bringing us so much closer. There is a true intimacy between us now that he has kept walls up against for a long, long time.
During the first year of DBing, it took a lot of energy to focus on getting our relationship back to a stable place. I denied a lot of my own needs for the sake of saving the relationship. I had been denying my own needs for years before the A.
It is so freaking ironic that it took this horrid, god-awful experience to get to where we are today, but that's the truth.
I'm excited to see where we go from here. I'm relieved to hear Wolfie tell me that if we ever go through a rough spot again, that he would fight for our R instead of run from it.
