I’m not to the point of wanting to make the first move. I don’t think it’s necessary at present in my sitch. Now, if I find out that there is an OM, then yeah—she would definitely get the boot from MBR, for starters, and then it would go from there.
But I’m not looking to do anything stupid, rash or reckless. It’s not worth it.
There are many reasons why this is hard for me, though it’s hard for everyone here, and I understand that.
For my sitch, though—I’m a religion teacher at a Catholic HS, so I talk about marriage and family fairly often. This week I’ve talked with my students about the concepts of unity, indissolubility, and openness to children—concepts that are being threatened in my own situation as it is.
I know that I need to be the lighthouse, and that this is where I struggle—I’m trying to find my voice on this in my own life and in my own MR, hence the ups and downs, and incomplete execution. It’s like when I first started teaching—I need to experience certain things first, and as I get reps, I develop a script or talking points to follow. It’s not always useful in my current work to operate from emotion, though it does happen.
It’s hard enough to be the lighthouse no matter the line of work all of us find ourselves in, but for me, it’s sometimes quite painful. For me, this cuts to the concepts of vocation and witness. My vocation as a husband and father, that I dreamed of for a very long time, praying for my now W even long before I met her. That I have to live as an authentic witness to what I believe and what I teach, and have the concepts central to that witness threatened is very painful. Not only am I to be a lighthouse to my wife and kids, but also to my students—to the young men that I teach, that it is okay to be a faithful man of God and model that for them, and to be a witness to the young women in my classes of what a godly man looks like, and that they deserve so much better from our society and even from many of the men (fathers, boyfriends) in their own lives.
It’s also tough to talk about being faithful—though there is no other person for me (or as yet to my knowledge for W). I understand that it is incredibly difficult no matter our line of work, that temptation is almost always present to some extent. And it’s especially present here, where there is no shortage of women who are very attractive emotionally, spiritually, as well as obviously physically—and often times, appear so so much more attractive than W, in light of how things are.
That is why from the get-go teaching I’ve kept very strong boundaries with my female colleagues and female students. I don’t associate too much with my female colleagues—trying to reduce temptation. Since my MR began, I’ve also ‘dropped the rope’ emotionally with many of my female friends, out of reverence for our MR and devotion to the W. I’m still relatively close with a female friend who will be YS’ baptismal sponsor, but even then there are still boundaries. But that’s pretty much it. Not exactly many, if at all, pretty young things blowing up my phone.
So for me, saying “Hi, how are you X” and “Have a good day X” to my female colleagues is a bit of an ego boost to me, but also me trying to associate with more women and just open myself. To open myself up emotionally within limits, but also to open myself up to the possibility that I deserve better down the road—from another woman, if need be, or deserving better from W. But I also know that I need to be careful in associating with others in my workplace, to not blur the lines too much.
