Whirlwind of Hurt 5

[Twofeet]

I went to IC yesterday. I had taken some of my posts from here and cleaned them up and wrote some additional things and read it to her. It was pretty hard as I was crying so much I had to stop because I couldn't see the page.
She says that I am not depressed, rather the gift that this whole D process has given me is that I can now process my emotions internally and externally. Hence, when W teared up the other day and I started tearing up it just completely baffled her that I could open up emotionally over her shedding a few tears. As she has said, she would bawl her eyes out and I would just look at her just stone cold (she would use a term that I think would identify me so I wont repeat it here). Anyway IC says I am like an infant just learning to walk right now, so everything is just coming out of me and I am learning to process these emotions. She says my interpersonal communication and emotional intelligence has greatly improved and these emotions are apart of it. We talked about not forgetting about boundaries especially with getting into R talks with W. IC says I am not plan b so stop thinking that. IC says that I need to stop all pursuit with W or any thought of pursuit with W. IC says you know if W came back for reconciliation you would know if it was genuine or not. IC says you know you wouldn't accept being plan b. We talked about how I wondered what I did to cause some of this. IC says relationships aren't cause and effect. She said you both were doing things together and to each other at various moments in your R that resulted in the present. IC said knowing and counseling both W and I, a big part of our mistake to get to where we are at is that we were both lacking in the proper communication skills a healthy R needs. IC said and have learned a lot of this now and I am improving. W is not, but IC hopes someday she will get there. IC does faith based C if requested so I talk to IC how I used to just pray everyday to not get a D. I said now while I do pray that D doesn't happen and I do pray for reconciliation, I also pray that if God doesn't will it then just give me strength to carry on and protect my children. I tell IC how I pray everyday for internal strength and guidance and how I have been praying that W with soften her heart to God. W used to be pretty religious and now she is not and I pray that he can find a way back into her life for her own benefit.

Now what also happened yesterday is that W called and I know R2C said don't talk to her, but I just wanted to confront it head on and move on. So when she called she started some idle chit chat which I honestly cannot even remember what it was about. Eventually, I said I am pretty busy and I need to go soon is there something you specifically called about. She said she called about the kids school. She isn't sure she can afford to keep paying it. She can finish out the school year, but beyond that we have to talk this summer. I tell her I am disappointed. I don't want to keep moving the kids around, they never get to adjust. S3 is doing awesome at the childcare center at the private school and now we would have to go back and put him in another crappy daycare. I say W you remember how badly he struggled with the first 2 centers we put him in when we moved here. You want to start that hunt/process all over again. Plus all 3 kids are in one location. She says she is definitely worried about it. I say W so what are your alternatives? What solutions have you thought of? She says none other than public school. I say have you asked your parents for assistance. She says she already has a loan out from her parents and she isn't going to ask them for help. She doesn't want their money. She wants to know if I can get financial assistance from the school since I am claiming the children as dependents. I tell her nothing can be done until there is a decree then I can see what is available, but I think my income is probably too high to get any grants. She says public school is the next option. I say there is a good elementary close to my house and there is one in the next district and both are in the same town. W says I don't like those school districts at the HS level, I think I want to put the kids in my school district. I tell her no I am putting my foot down on that. She asks why. I say we live and work in this community, and we send our kids to a private school in this community. You decided to move away to the to town closer to the city while you work here. I am not driving the kids all the way out there to drop them off at school and go to work. That is over 1 hour round trip. W says I don't want to drop kids off at a school by your house its out of my way. I tell W its no further out of your way then their private school because its over by their private school. I tell W look we have to stop this we are about to get in a fight over something that hasn't happened yet. I say we have joint custody and we have to work these solutions out together. I tell W we will cross that bridge when we get there. We can always put them in public school and move them back into private school for HS. She says she wont do that because they will have established friends and she doesn't want to move them around to different schools and break up friendships. I just can't reason with her anymore this is just stupid. She wants to break up their established friendships now, but not when they get to HS when it seems that for most youths that this is a reset and everyone kind of starts over again. I dunno. Anyway, I say why are we even discussing HS at this point, we only have 2 in elementary. She says she is worried and I validate which is easy to do because I am very worried as well. Its getting to the point in the conversation that I just need to go, but I can't help myself and I need some resolution for this problem. I am prepared to piss of W and I say W during our MR I use to use various budget programs, I find that one I really liked had a bunch of free online classes and a good philosophy to follow. I still use it now that we are S and its helped me stay a float. You might consider looking into it. I can hear the nonverbal communication through the phone. I can tell she is angry because she needs to budget, but doesn't want to. I say ok well I really gotta run now, bye.

Now that I have had time to let it sit and stew I am pretty angry about this. I had mentioned to my IC before this convo how there is no clean break and W gets to make poor decisions and I have to get dragged through the mud. Her poor decisions affect not only me, but most importantly our kids. Well now I am going to have to budget to lawyer up down the road just in case push comes to shove. Maybe she had planned this sh!t all along. I guess if she bails on the kids tuition she can finance that fancy SUV she has been wanting. My spidey senses were going off when she moved to the town closer to the city when she could have gotten the same quality of home she has now for 50k less than what she paid for. I guess I saw this potential storm brewing. Hopefully it doesn't get to that point. Well if she decides to try pull the kids out of private school this summer I can always go have a talk with her parents. I am prepared to risk ruining my relationship if it can benefit my kids. I really don't want to go that route, but I am prepared to go as far as I need to. The private school is in the decree, but it may not be enforceable. To protect yourself and your kids document everything. Its silly that it can get to that point, and I really hope it doesn't, but it is what it is.

Our school convo was back and forth, but it is easy to remember the details of what I said. So while it appears to be a 1 way convo it was not.