My Story Pt 2

[Manta]

No update, just journaling my thoughts and feelings.

Sill GAL, NC and heard nothing from WW. The last contact was mid-October.

I guess today, I just wanted to put down where I am and thoughts on a few things.

One thing that has really been creeping into my mind recently my WW and AP having sex. I have been fighting this in my mind, almost , however it's not stopping. I'm beginning to have images of them, doing all sorts of crazy stuff. It's horrible, however, that recent picture of them together I saw, set me back and it's seared in my mind. I remember all the fun things we did together sexually at the start of our relationship, so I have no doubt they have done this and probably much much worse. I have dreams and images of them having sex, where she is wearing her wedding dress as a sick fantasy, both laughing at me. I can't even imagine the lies she told him about me.

My libido since August is dead. I have lost a lot of weight.

Masturbation as a form of some release is not enjoyable for me. It's actually horrible, as I just think of my WW during it. I haven't kissed or slept with anyone since my WW last August. I have barely got a few hugs. In my heart, I still love my W. It's so hard for me to think of any other woman, even if I kissed someone, I would consider it cheating...how messed up is that!? I'm a sexual person, I always loved Sex and having fun, trying new things. Somewhere along the line, my W didn't want to try new things. She became focused on trying for Children, where the act of conceiving was more important than the act of making love. I understand it's important, but you need to enjoy the moment's when trying for children. I'm scared now she will get pregnant my AP, which would add extra humiliation on.

I really miss intimacy as recently I have developed a twitch, where my hands start shaking...This has been happening for a few weeks now.

I want this pain to end and the suffering has been torture for me. I know I'm getting there slowly, 1 step at a time... But I see no light at the moment. No glimmer of hope... No remorse from my WW, no R to even dream of.

Maybe she will come back one day, maybe not. I know i have to look after myself first and foremost.

I'm deeply hurt and humiliated. I wish I was stronger.