So H came home from trip after stabbing and was pretty happy and warm towards me,just seemed glad to be home which was not a surprise after being stuck overseas and not being able to travel for 2 weeks. Still no sex but snuggling, kiss hello goodbye etc. he ended up coming home a day early and texted me to let me know and asked if I wanted to grab a bite to eat, I told him I had plans but was welcome to join me. My friend and I stopped by the house after we saw a movie and had a glass of wine before going to dinner and H comes home. She was also overseas for same work function and was first person to visit him in the hospital. We all had a nice night,talked about the whole dramatic event,and he gave me a gift while we were out and I went to kiss him and I felt like he purposely turned his head so I kissed him on the cheek. I didn’t say anything at the time but it bothered me. That night I kept my distance from him in bed.
I know I should’ve said something and I’m learning to speak up now instead of holding it in. But the funny thing is when we went to marriage counseling he told the therapist that I did not greet him when he came home from Europe I’m assuming he meant that I did not get up and give him a kiss or a hug which I did not at the time I can’t say why maybe because I feel protective of myself. He also told the therapist I am on the other side of the bed and I said if that’s how you felt why don’t you say something and he just shook his head he also said that things really haven’t changed between us which I replied that I thought he had been acting more warmly towards me since he got home and he didn’t think he had and that he’s been acting the same as he has always been AnyWho he also talked about how I have been unhappy and that he can’t do that for me make me happy.
Which I agreed that I had been unhappy after our last year and all of the challenges with our son and just in general raising a kid on the autism spectrum can be pretty stressful and anxiety provoking. We also brought up stupid things about leaving the lights on and the electricity bill and also how my love language is words and he keeps buying me gifts thinking it will make me happy but what I really want is for him to open up and talk to me which of course is probably the thing he is worse at. So the thing that has been most empowering for me is that he keeps saying how unhappy I am but I’m realizing that he is unbelievably moody and has been for sometime and there are days where we get up and I try to talk to him and he is quiet or he wants to talk politics which I hate that I do it anyway. I think this is partly maybe a small part of why I feel anxious/ depressed... because his moodiness or his tone of voice , stern face, is kind of a trigger for me in a sense and I take it personally or think I did something wrong. It affects me simply put.
Got up early Sunday and walked our dogs and I was in a good mood and tried making small talk and he was quiet,I felt ignored and bummed, I think he finally realized that he was being Debbie downer and he tried to open up a little bit with me and just talk to me more. When he dropped the DB on me back in July, he said I was depressed, wouldn’t have sex with him, we r two different people, and I felt so badly about myself, since then I’ve regained some clarity,I noticed that he is an intense guy I know he’s under unbelievable stress with work and has a lot of responsibility I think the Hard thing for me is to not let his demeanor affect me but it does and it is really hard to change my mindset but I am trying. I guess what I am trying to say is that I was traumatized by the DB and now that three months have gone by and the dust is settling I am remembering oh yeah my husband is moody and he is intense and he can be short with me and sarcastic with me and all of these things he does not see about himself but yet I’m the one who is depressed .
My husband has been traveling a lot more for work than he usually does but I’ve noticed that he’s quit working out months ago and every time there is some work function he never wants to go he seems depressed to me. I know he has reason to pay for things such as his father is ill and this will probably be our last Christmas with him and my husband hates his job and our son is no longer living in our house. But even before these things came into our lives he has been this way with me for years and I guess I just got used to it or I excepted it.
I am looking into getting a very part-time job in the evenings just to keep busy meet new people and give us some more space and not be so available all the time. I am also praying a lot for him and for me but also that I will be OK if things don’t work out.
