[Wanted1]

Well, I didn't respond to that message about the D papers in the drawer from my W for quite awhile. Initially, after the text, I wasn't really bothered by it. Then, as I was traveling for work, the roller coaster started downward. I started to become saddened about what seems to be inevitable. Went through the 'woe is me' act about everything that has transpired this year. My lucky number/favorite number has always been 34. I remember a post my W put on instagram on my birthday about a month before all of this crap started in May. It was wishing me a "lucky" 34th birthday and that 'I am loved.' Boy, did that not age well!

So, in the midst of this anguish and heartbreak, I went against my initial plan of not responding to her text and sent her a message which said that I wanted to know her thoughts and feelings on this. Does she wanted me to sign the certificate of service so she can file now or not? She is the one that wants this, not me. And I won't stand in the way anymore.

I never got a response. Do her actions speak louder than her words? I want to think so, but I'm unsure. She signed the initial pleadings back on November 19th. She has had them in her possession this whole time and hadn't brought them up to me until yesterday. Now that I've asked her what SHE wants, she doesn't respond. Are these possible signs that she is actually not 100% sure she wants to proceed yet? No clue. If I take her at her word (believe nothing of what they say) she's tried to make it pretty clear she doesn't want to R. However, if that's the case, why not give me the pleadings after she signed them? Or, why not just reply to my text yesterday with a 'Yes, let's get the process started.' Confusing to say the least.

All I know is, I'm not going to be pursuing an answer from her. I'm not going to bring it up anymore. I'm going to go back to my 'do nothing' mindset unless she gives me a clear indication that she wants me to sign the paperwork, which I will do. If she gives me the indication that she wants it signed, I will give her her wish. I'm not going to impede the process.

I started reading Joe2017's threads last night. It's become apparent to me that his W was pretty dead set on D early on and while I have only gotten through about half of his threads, I saw his update yesterday that she's now come back, 1 year later, with repentance and sorrow and sounded as though she is wanting a second chance. His W early on did try temp checking him quite a bit which hasn't been the case in my sitch. Anyway, it is a good example for me that the WW does sometimes come out of the fog. That doesn't mean mine will, but it does give me some peace of mind knowing that even if my W sounds dead set on pushing through to D, there is the possibility that down the road she might realize she screwed up.

I'm going to continue to turn my focus on detaching, moving on and letting her go instead of putting so much effort into saving our MR. I will try to be the lighthouse with a smooth and clear road back for her if she decides to have a change of heart.

I have been getting a lot of unhealthy advice from my mom, lately, which further clouds my mind. Rather than being supportive and understanding of my sitch, she is trying to give me advice on what I should do (kick her a$$ out now! You deserve better, she's a liar and a fake!, etc. etc.) Not helpful at all and I told her that last night. She tried to lay the guilt trip on my and tell me that they (my parents), too, are grieving and were "blindsided" by this. That it isn't just the 5 of us (Me, W & 3 kids) going through this. I finally just quit responding to her messages. It reminds me of the first chapter in DR where MWD talks about family and friend influences. I know, deep down, she thinks she is trying to help but the way she's doing it is the complete opposite of what I need right now. She is so insistent on knowing all of the dirty details of what W did (As) and has been relentless in trying to get me to admit them. She thinks that will give her a better understanding of what I'm going through. She is just trying to be nosey and get dirt on my W to justify her contempt for her. I haven't, yet, and don't plan to anytime soon. What is ironic is my W is trying to destroy my family, has caused me so much pain, suffering and sorrow but yet I still feel the need to "protect" her. I think it shows that deep down I'm a good person with good morals and core values and that I am not intentionally vindictive by outing all of her dirty laundry. Too bad she can't see that.