I ask her what she needs help with. She asks me what, if anything, I am available to do tonight, because I’ve been looking rather preoccupied to her (which is true—have tons of grading to get done, but I’ve also tried detaching, and walking the fine line between detaching and being cold, coming home later, coming home the last 2 nights in workout clothes). She mentioned that I’ve been acting kinda weird for the last week, and if I’m okay. I tell her ‘Everything’s great,’ to which she responds ‘yeah that totally did not sound sincere at all.’ I told her ‘Everything’s good. I’ll go vacuum the living room,’ I turn around and walk out. And so I did a few of the chores on the list. But yeah that ‘Everything’s good’ was Oscar-worthy performance on my part.
OK so first she was baiting you. Second you took the bait. Next time just look at her like an eye sprouted in the middle of her forehead. Like, perplexed and a little amused. And then say "OK well like I said, let me know if you need help" and walk out. Why do I say that? Well she was doing a temp check and the way to respond to those is not to respond. Because any response to it is playing into her hands. She KNOWS you're not OK, so to say you are OK tells her you are trying desperately to act "as if". And of course if you say you're not OK then you just look sad and desperate. So don't reply. THAT will make her wonder.
Quote
To be fair, if I really wanted to drop the rope with her, I could have / should have just left her to her own devices after she rattled off the list of chores.
I think you mean if you were acting "detached", because if you dropped the rope you wouldn't have been having the convo with her in the first place or even been in the same room with her. Why? Because once you drop the rope you no longer care. You are done with all the BS and giving her the absolute minimum time required as a coparent.
Quote
I bent over backwards spring, summer and early fall taking care of her and family to get ready for YS, and in Oct. she tells me that it’s still not good enough.
Aren't you the good little housewife! Yes that's a jab but here's why- cooking, cleaning and taking care of kids is great, but it's solid beta behavior. While a wife may appreciate it in a healthy relationship, it's not the sort of thing that gets her motor revved up. It's not what's going to make her lay awake at night thinking about you with an elevated heart rate. It's not attractive. A lot of LBS's make the mistake of doubling down on beta behavior after BD thinking their W just wants more help with domestic chores. But it just makes the LBS look desperate and a little pathetic. I am not saying not to do those things, I mean you should do your part around the house, particularly if the M is healthy. But it sounds like you had expectations that it would make you more attractive to her, and it won't.
Quote
If I’ve been acting weird, then what the h*** has her act been the last 10 months or so? ILYBINILWY BD? Talk about taking a break or S? Denying sex and telling me many couples don’t have as much sex after having a child, while having sex toys nearby or in the showers? Her being all withdrawn? And I’M THE ONE who needs to be looked at?
You see who has all the control here? You need to start taking it back. You're letting her beat you down with just a couple of snide comments about your attitude.
