[AnotherStander]

While you were starting a new thread I was typing a response that ended up in the old thread, so I'm pasting it here as well:

Like an idiot, I broke my going dark plan and forwarded the message onto W.

"Illusion of action" Doing nothing isn't working I need to do something!

I explained this in a couple texts to W. I told her that I have always put too much weight on what people think (she knew this and agreed) and that I've been actively trying to rid myself of that characteristic. She responded "that so nice to hear. It's so liberating that you can free yourself of that. I'm happy for you.

Actions not words Wanted1. This is approval seeking behavior. I've changed I've changed!

" Maybe my desertion of going dark just for this particular exchange could plant a small seed of doubt in my W's mind that I "can't change." Doubt it, but who knows?! Nothing I'm doing is changing though. I didn't respond to that text and I've continued my going dark plan.

I'm gonna go dark for a day until I can't take it any more and then forward her a text and tell her I've changed. Guaranteed it did nothing but show her your'e still attached.

I will not change a thing I'm doing, however! Keep on the going dark path and see where it leads me.

I think you need to look up what going dark means.

Wanted, please review the above responses from LH again. He is spot-on, I had the exact same thoughts reading your posts. I also agree with his later comment that you seem like a control freak. I can't tell if you always have been, or if it's perhaps a response to the situation you find yourself in (struggling for some semblance of control) but it's something to explore with your IC.

My former "friend" keeps texting W. The only "good news" is, it appears my W hasn't been responding as of late. Over the last 3 days, he's sent probably 8 text messages and she has replied twice. Her last response was 2 days ago.

And you know this how? Stop the snooping.

I shared this with one of our mutual friends who I've confided in about my situation.

Do not talk to mutual friends about your sitch. Only discuss it with friends that have no connection to your W at all, or discuss it here. Anything you say to mutual friends WILL get back to your W and she will see it as you "rallying the troops" against her.

His advice was that I should confront him before it advances any further. I told him that while the thought has crossed my mind numerous times, I don't think that's a good idea at this time.

If anything is going on between them then there's nothing you can do about it (she is leaving after all). If you confront either of them it just makes you look like a controller/ manipulator and will just drive them closer together. Plus they will go deeper undercover with their activities using burner phones and such. Your attitude should be "don't know/ don't care".

You’re right. I did tell her about the furniture to see what her response would be. You know what? She came hustling in to talk for the first time ever since BD. I sensed her feeling like she’s losing control. She feels in control because it’s her decision to leave. She feels in control because I told her she has to file, I’m not. And I still won’t. She felt in control by thinking she could decide to move out when it worked best for her. Not anymore. I took my b@lls back by telling her I want her out as soon as possible.

If she felt you were controlling and manipulating in the M then that's something you should be doing a 180 on. DB'ing is "opening the cage door" but it is not kicking her out of the cage. You should be letting her make these decisions. If she says she's moving out your response and attitude should be "I would rather you stay and work on the M, but if you feel it's best for you to move out then I will not stand in your way. I will support you in whatever decision you make." Are you under some illusion that kicking her out is going to make her respect you more and make her want to come back? It's more likely she'll see it as "more of the same" controlling behavior.

Being the lighthouse and the rock doesn't mean being a jerk. I wish people understood this better. It means being strong, firm, resolute, but doing so in a LOVING manner.

I just keep reading a lot of "I did this, and that showed her who is really boss!!" stuff in your posts. When it comes to BD, S and D, there are no winners, everyone loses. You're not going to "gain the upper hand", because there isn't one. So many LBS's try to "nice" their WAS back and then when that doesn't work they try to "mean" her back. I think that's exactly where you are right now. But you can't "mean" her back either. All you can do is pull back and give her time and space and let HER figure things out and maybe decide to come back.You can't control yourself out of this.

I know that. She's would be too stubborn to admit it to me if she would have second thoughts. She would more than likely suppress those feelings, like she has with everything in our MR, apparently, and try to "grind it out" to prove to herself she was right and made the correct decision.

From what you post here and especially from her quotes you've posted, I get the impression that your W is not nearly as stubborn and hard-headed and you say she is. I just sense a lot of hatred and frustration in your posts and it feels like perhaps you are trying to heap all the blame on her. I'm not saying her hands are clean, but you can't fix her. You can only work on and fix YOU. So try and focus more on YOUR faults and wrongs and doing 180's on those.

I'm just curious if her telling me about the pleadings and letting me know that I can sign them and scan and email them to her is just her trying to call my bluff about "moving on." I am trying to move on. I need to. But I want to do it in a way that doesn't appear weak, apprehensive or show her that I'm still attached. The part of her text that stick out to me is her saying "IF I want to get the 60 days started..."

Well of course she said that, because you told her you want her out ASAP! So now in her eyes, YOU are the one that wants to initiate D. You've painted yourself into a corner Wanted. We say it all the time here, but don't EVER kick your spouse out or tell them you want D unless you have well and truly moved on (you're not even close) and are willing to back it up (you're not).