13 years and 2 kids pt. 3.

[ballast]

Today there is a christmas show at our school

You go for your KIDS! You don't hurt your kids by not attending important events in their lives. You be polite, respectful, but not chatty. And for goodness sakes don't say how you are going to be or why do your wife. That she is there is not your concern. You are focused on your KIDS!

DO NOT MISS YOUR KIDS EVENTS! You be the strong confident father they need, quit thinking of how she is thinking or what you'll do. She's like any other adult attending the event.

-B

[Hurt213]

Thank you Ballast.

Lesson learned, I will do that today and in the future.

Have a great day, I know I will .

[neffer]

Hi Hurt. If it is a kid´s related thing you need to be there. Choose to go there by yourself or you go with the kids. It´s W who wants to leave the MR. Be polite, cool , calm and collected. Keep reading the key posts of the forum.

Stay strong H!

[Joe2017]

"Actions speak louder than words bro. Be am an of action." Is this actions from following the sandi rules, or actions showing her that I don't want anything to do with her as long as there is another man? How do I pull this off without being a complete jerk?

Yes, Sandi's rules are very important. Read them every day. Every day.

You need to read Sandi's reflections thread too. She described exactly what makes men unattractive to their spouses. I believe this thread is a sticky.

I'm serious. Every man needs to know these things. Read it all and use it to evaluate how you act in your life.

Here is the reflections thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2826672&page=1

[AnotherStander]

I agree with Ballast and Neffer. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to drive there together, my ex and I have done a lot of kid stuff together since D but we rarely drive together. The key is, like they both said, to remember it is for the kids and doesn't mean recon is on the horizon. NO EXPECTATIONS.

By the way, it would be helpful if you added a signature with critical dates and kid info. Click on your account name in the upper right, then "Edit Profile" and scroll down to "Signature" to add one. Don't forget to click "Save changes" when done.

[LH19]

I said, I didn't want to argue, and that I could understand that she would want her money if she had spent out of own pocket when she was not supposed to - however, I would like to just get an overview of said spendings.

W why did you take the money out of the joint account when we previously agreed that money was only to be spent on the kids? This is direct and to the point. Your versions says please don't yell at me when I ask you this question.

So she made list of what she had spent money on and there were some real fictional posts on that paper, but I don't want to argue, and told her that if I had come off as trying to blame her, that was not my intention, I just wanted things to be clean and right, and money was a subject that could really get people going, so I didn't want her and I to go there.

I Read: W Please please don't be mad at me even though you took money that you weren't suppose to take.

The numbers in general weren't big, so I just let it slide this time - I think she learned her lesson, and I think behind the "you are an idiot attitude", she is embarrassed that I caught her trying to take the money.

Why would you let it slide when she is broke because she is going on vacation with another man? Very beta behavior.

She then proceeded to say, that she think I should be buying food since she was embarrassed of the way she had handled that. I couldn't agree anymore, but just said we both had a responsibility for that as long as we lived together, and that I didn't blame her. I then said, I would do the groceries from here on out if that was what she thought was best financially.

Now your are doing all the grocery shopping because she feels its best financially. WTF?????????

She then wanted us to lower the budget for the kids christmas presents by more than 70%. I was baffled, but I know, it is because she can't afford them. She said "the kids are so small and they will get so many presents from extended family, that they won't care". I was like... I will, and we will stick to the budget we agreed on (its not my fault that she will rather spend money on vacation with OM than presents for her kids).

This above is good but the rest is very weak.

You are still afraid of upsetting her even when she breaks your boundaries. Until you take your b@lls back, nothing in your sitch will change.

BTW I highly doubt she learned any lessons after that exchange.

[Hurt213]

Thanks for your honesty and good advice. Much appreciated as always.

So we went to the christmas event at the school. I immediately was dragged into a conversation with some of the parents that I have a good relationship with. WW took the kids and bought some tickets for hot cocoa and waffles.

So I was enjoying myself, talking to a lot of people, and WW was buzzing around me, trying to be a part of my conversations, and acting like everything was all jolly. I didn't pay much notice, and just enjoyed myself, had fun with the kids, and then we saw the christmas carol show, and headed home.

Then I kissed the kids goodnight and headed to my parents place to help out with some furniture movement and then I had dinner with them.

After dinner, we had a cup of coffee, and I realized that I had not thought about WW for awhile, and that was a pleasant realisation.

After the coffee, I headed back home, but I stopped at my neighbors, who was also at the christmas show, and we had a coffee and a talk. He was so confused about WWs behavior at the christmas event. He said she had appeared as if we were a happy family, and he knew what she had done and was doing, so it was appalling. However, he understood that I was not saying anything to out her, as we won't be telling D4 about the break up until the house sells.

So we had fun, made plans for new years eve (yes im not spending that with WW. I think that would be cake-eating). I will be having fun with the kids during the day though.

Then I came home. She was in the living room, texting god knows who (I know who...) and she said "hiii hurt" with a smile on her face. I just said Hi, WW. Grabbed my laptop, made myself ready for bed, and here I am journaling. And now im ready to call it a day.

[Hurt213]

Early morning reflections:

Good morning .

I was sitting this morning, reflecting, adding and crossing over goals on my 180 list.

I came to wonder about the following. So the general advice on here, has been to not give WW the cake-eating opportunity of spending time with me, when the kids are sleeping - meaning that whenever kids sleep, and we are in the house together, I go to another room and avoid spending time with her. I have been doing that every night that I have been home going to MBR and work / read / relax or go to bed early.

Now I came to wonder. One of the things, that WW told me on more than on occasion was: "I wanted to spend time with you, but you prioritized everything and everyone else", "I just wanted to sit on the couch with you and watch a movie, but you never found time, or always had an apology", "I wanted to cuddle up in blankets with you in the livingroom, but you never wanted to, and always refused saying it was too warm or you didn't feel like it".

I can see how not giving her cake-eating opportunities with me as long as she is with another man makes the most sense. But I also think, she told me straight up, what she really was longing for, and what I didn't provide, and definitely do not at this time.

I just came to think about those statements, and then wanted to be absolutely sure, that I do continue this path (I think I do?), but I haven't shared that info before about her statements, so I just want to be sure. <-- My own interpretation is, that it would be crazy beta, to engage in couch coziness and chats with a person that left me and destroyed our family for another dude, on the vague grounds that she provided for leaving? I don't wanna be beta .

[Joe2017]

Go back and read Sandi's rules. You can't engage in any pursuit behavior.

Listen man, she has already left you. It's not the end of the world, but it IS the end of your relationship as it used to be. It's probably the end of your marriage. Again... It is NOT the end of the world. Your life is not defined by your marriage.

Your value is not dependent upon your WW's opinion of you.

From now on this is about you and your kids. Not her (except when it affects a kid).

Seriously man, you have so much more to live for than someone who would disrespect you like this.

You do NOT cuddle with a cheater. You do NOT serve a cheater. You do NOT support a cheater.

You DO regularly engage in some sort of physical activity - gym, running, karate, whatever. You DO make sure your kids now how much you love them ALL of the time. You DO treat your WW with the respect you give the cashier at the grocery store or McDonald's.

[Hurt213]

So I need help responding to WW:

So the new real estate brokers are now done with paperworks for the sale and they need us to accept the wording so they can proceed with the sale. As far as I understand, I am not going to stand in WWs way of getting out of our lives, but I don't do any work.

Well she just texted me the following:

"I hope you all came out of the door well this morning (emoji smiley and emoji thumbs up),
Did you respond the brokers regarding the sales papers? Do I also have to respond to them ? Or is it okay if only one of us answers them?"

I haven't answered her. How do I reply ? I am thinking something like "This is your endeavor, so if you feel like it, go ahead and accept the papers".

I wont respond until I hear from the board