Oh Grace... that s#cks. I am so sorry that happened. I know what you mean about your new reality. It is an adjustment. I keep telling myself it is going to get better and in some ways it has, but I still really miss my H. I saw him for approximately 3 minutes this week. Basically a “hi” and that was it. To go from communicating with someone every day, multiple times a day, to literally nothing is very hard to get used to. I don’t even feel like we are coparenting right now... lit’s not like we have a bad relationship, it is like we have no relationship whatsoever. It is very hurtful. Sending you big (((hugs))) across the miles.
I'm sorry Christmas is turning into a source of conflict, and I can understand why you don't want your H to sleep at the house this year.
Did you mention your boundary about your H not sleeping at the house to your kids and your H before you sent them off to discuss how they wanted to handle Christmas? I don't have a single family member who would take well to being told to make a decision and then having that decision overruled because of a criterion that wasn't communicated initially.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Hi - I'm sorry you saw your kids upset like that. They are trying to deal with the situation too. The outburst was probably just stuff bottled up and finally let out. Wait a few days for the emotions to die down a little and then try and have a quiet conversation. It is not healthy for anyone to bottle things up. That is where resentment starts. Same rules apply I guess. Validate but don't take responsibility for things that are clearly not your doing.
Re your H. I can see why you feel that it was a [censored] move on his part to speak to the kids first before you. I would give it the benefit of the doubt and hope that it was a spontaneous discussion on their part instead of something planned. You are right. Your kids are not little anymore and the days of being woken up at five in the morning by very excited children eager to open their presents are behind you. You response was appropriate and considerate. However, I would question what your motives where for saying no? Was it to because you don't feel it is right anymore having him in your house or was it to shove in his face the consequences of his actions? BTW - I completely understand both of those feelings. I do not like having H in my house as I feel he is intruding and I want to shove the consequences in his face. But, for me there is a third ... I still want to feel like we're a family sometimes.
Anyway, don't beat yourself up re the invite. Focus on your kids. Even though they're grown up now, they are obv. still hurting.
However, I would question what your motives where for saying no? Was it to because you don't feel it is right anymore having him in your house or was it to shove in his face the consequences of his actions? BTW - I completely understand both of those feelings. I do not like having H in my house as I feel he is intruding and I want to shove the consequences in his face. But, for me there is a third ... I still want to feel like we're a family sometimes.
I think it is a blend of both of those. Not shoving it in his face, but having him here for the entire Christmas, doing our normal family routine, like nothing is changing didn't sit well with me. As I told the kids, he is choosing to live elsewhere, so I think he should stay at his own place. I think it's time he start seeing the consequences of his decisions. I also envisioned me being very uncomfortable with him sleeping just paces away in another room. I offered he could stay in the spare bedroom the month of December because the kids would be home. He chose not to. At some point, don't we have to stop making it easy for them to choose when it's convenient for them to participate and enjoy family time? Seems like cake-eating to me. He still gets to do it, but just not sleep here.
But the sad part is it's making me feel like the bad guy and the bi***. Maybe that's me wanting to feel like we're a family again that you mentioned. *Sigh*
Anyway, took the day off work today to spend doing something fun with the kids. Amusement park. Looking forward to it!
Grace...yes at some point the pretend aspect of what they have decided needs to be removed. Consequences of their decisions. And it's terribly hard during the holidays when your heart is split between what is best for you and your kids and that pull on your heart of "man just for the holidays let's be a family again". You have to guard yourself from feeling like the the bad guy in this. You are only doing the best you can with the cards you've been dealt as a result of his decisions. At the end of the day you have to come back to "he left" when you get to feeling at fault. And your kids are old enough to understand the reality of who did what.
Snarky comment back: “That’s fine. I just will not then be back in the morning for presents. I’m sure the kids will be thrilled. I can’t get up that early and make it over there”.
Very passive/aggressive comment from him. Basically what this boils down to is "you're not giving me my way and I'm going to throw a tantrum like a 3-year-old at the grocery store that wants candy". I'm just curious, how far away does he live? Just how early would he have to get up? Regardless, if I had to get up at 2am and drive 5 hours to spend Christmas morning with my kids I would %^&*ing well do it. He's being a spoiled brat.
Quote
I was feeling generous so I informed him since the kids are grown up I planned to do gifts later in the a.m. I think I’m being more than generous and accommodating in light of his choice to stay out of the home. So now I will leave it alone and he will either choose to participate or not.
I agree. You could have told him you didn't want him to come by at all.
Quote
What really made me feel like the bad guy though was my S21’s reaction.
His reaction sounds to me like he was just letting some anger and frustration boil over, he's probably just lashing out at you because you are there and you're a convenient target. I went through that with my middle D quite a bit, not so much the other two but she really let me have it a few times. It really hurts because you're trying to hold things together as best you can for the kids and then if one or more of them target you like that it makes you feel like a bad parent. Just try to keep in mind it probably has more to do with his frustration over the whole situation rather than you in particular. Just try to listen and validate.
My R with my middle D is better than ever now, I think in part because despite her venting on me I tried to remain a rock and lighthouse as best I could. Even though it hurt at the time we later had some great talks and she told me she respected me for how I reacted to it.
AnotherStander - H lives only about 30 minutes from here. He also gets up at 4:45 a.m. on the days he has to drive to work (at least he did when he lived here). So no hardship at all as far as I'm concerned.
S21 already seems to be in a better mood, so I think it is more venting and getting out bottled up emotions. I am very close to both my kids, so i think any rough patches will be short lived because of the good solid connection.
Thanks for stopping by everyone. I appreciate the comments and feedback.
I've been having 2nd thoughts about my decision to not allow H to sleep over Christmas Eve. Looking back, I think my motive was more to 'stick it to him' rather than it would really make me uncomfortable. Was it just a manipulation to see how he would respond? Would I really feel uncomfortable? Does it really matter if he leaves and then just comes back the next morning?
I’m struggling with this whole “be the lighthouse” thing. How can you be a lighthouse when you never see them and the only communication is via text or e-mail and only about “business”? I also had a few days in which I just wanted to announce to the whole world, including the kids, all the REAL reasons we are not together now. All the sordid, terrible details. I had terrible thoughts of wanting to punish H, and I hope he’s miserable. But, of course I won’t. I’ve been praying about it. I hate that person in me. I’m in a better frame of mind now. That’s when I started wondering if I should tell H I really don’t mind if he wants to sleep over Christmas Eve. Is it doubting myself? God telling me to show love and grace?
I had a friend tell me Monday she wants me to start looking for those things that happen throughout the day that shows me God is listening. She named a few examples for herself that gave me goosebumps. Last night my bible study leader invited me out for coffee. She gave me HER story where she was the WAW (after 13 years of marriage, now married 40 years!). She finished by saying she wants me to be aware of the things that happen on a day-to-day basis the shows God is working and listening. Wow! The exact same thing my friend told me just a few days before. Now here is the really weird part. As soon as I met up with her, I made a mental note to ask her about an easy to do devotional for beginners. I forgot about it as we talked about my sitch and hers. Well, as we were leaving, she gave me a Christmas gift. And what was it? A small devotional book. WOW!
She also told me that what helped her “see the light” was the love and grace shown by her H. Including her in family things with a smile on his face, for example. She couldn’t understand why he would do that after what she had done (want to leave the M). “Why would you want to stay married to me after all I’ve done”. H has said that so many times to me before he moved out.
I am struggling with how I can show H love and grace (be the lighthouse) in light of hardly even seeing each other or speaking. But, I think the real problem is H hasn’t discovered what grace is. I don’t know if he ever will. Whether we R or not, I hope so for his sake he does. He must be very sad and miserable in spite of outward appearances. Terrible way to live the rest of your life, isn’t it?
As usual, seeing H yesterday has me thinking about him and his activities way too much. It always sets me back a notch after I see him, although is was pleasant and all business. He is still working on his parents Trust. There was a lot more he should have been doing along the way. I didn't point out that 2 or 3 years ago I mentioned these things to him and he never followed-up. Since I had taken care of everything pretty much until he moved out, I had to help get some paperwork in order to execute the Trust. I don't mind doing it. However, I was irritated when he randomly reminded me that the $ for being the Trustee was set aside and put in both our names some years back when his parents were alive. That is now in OUR trust. He said that I was included in that because I deserved it for all the care I gave his parents. I said "Meaning....." He got a bit flustered, and I changed the subject. The subliminal message of course was the $ in his parents trust is HIS (and his sister and niece), and not OURS. Whatever. I don't need it. Legally it's his anyway in a D. It's silly how he was trying to be sly to get his point across.
That left me thinking. Is he planning D? Has he even spoken to an attorney? I wonder if he would have the guts to sit down with me to tell me his plans, or will I just get served papers? I sometimes have fleeting visions of getting served at work. I hope he's not that hateful. Only time will tell.
Well, back to detachment and GAL. Bootcamp this morning, errands, then a get-together at a local brewpub for a neighbor that's moving away. D19 is working, S21 is out, but they'll be around this evening. It's nice to have them here. Tomorrow church in the morning, then a Christmas carol and reading service in the evening. Good weekend shaping up!
Question - in light of H spending Christmas at the house, do I buy a small gift for him? I would do so for any guest that spent the holiday with us. I do not expect him to get me anything, but feel I should do something. Advise please.
