making it about me...

[DnJ]

Hello sjohns

You sound really good, and here you were just shooting for OK.

I can see the happiness and confidence you have, it shows in your posts. That’s awesome! Feels good, doesn’t it?

Now figure out what is making you so happy. Btw, it is not the girl you are seeing / talking too. Once you figure it out you’ll realize you have it with you all the time, even on a Christmas morning with a less full household then you would like. That doesn’t mean you’ll be exuberant and doing back flips, just that will have peace and the patience to wait until your house is full of energy and kids running around again. Inner peace and happiness is incredibly strong. Cr@p may have given out a clue.

The lunch wasn't really a date, but I absolutely felt like I was doing something wrong...like I was cheating. I did not do that again because it was obvious to me at that point that I was in no way ready to date. I felt like I was doing something wrong and it wasn't even a date. This time with the girl I met recently, it felt different. What felt wrong wasn't regarding cheating. What felt wrong was more to do with feeling like I might be misleading her somehow. Its hard to describe, but maybe like I felt like I had info that I wasn't disclosing.

I total get that. The feeling of misleading her somehow, oh yes.

I’ve chalked it up to as you have said not fully disclosing something - my feelings, my situation. A big part of it is that I do not want to break her heart, or cause pain - due to me not being ready.

DnJ: Sigh...as usual, you are right and I agree. I have been told multiple times since joining these boards that the advice that was given was a 2x4, but it never really felt like that. This time it did. Your advice and support is perfect and just what I needed to hear, but I didn't WANT to hear it.

Your ability to accept constructive feedback is commendable. Just so you know swinging around 2x4s ain’t easy, I got all these slivers in my hands, I think I pulled a muscle in my arm, and I broke a nail - Sigh....

You know it is not all the advice is a 2x4, just the ones you need to hear. I know what you mean with I didn’t want to hear it. Imagine having DnJ advising you all day in your own head. OMG, I step out of line and I’m all over me. Ha ha. Lol.

Doing all of these things for yourself/ourselves is something that we say to each other over and over. I've kind of taken it on as a mantra to myself. Having said that, for whatever reason, reading it at the end of your comment to me was different this time. It actually MEANT something to me this time. I caught a glimpse of what that actually meant. Before, everything in my head was about W. Doing things for myself meant fixing myself...so that I could get W back. The second half of that was more subconscious, but still there. Now saying that was more in relation to standing without dating or moving on...not about W. Common denominator, me. I am the reason to do things without a subconscious anything else.

This ^^^^. I am happy for you. Welcome to the profound.

I think I might go reread the indifference/detachment comments you made. Curious if I would read it differently this time.

If you do, and would like to share, I would love to hear what how you now read it.

I do have an observation regarding you. I may be wrong about this, but I noticed that you recently referred to your W as your STBXW. I don't think I've seen you refer to her as your STBX before. Do you think there is any deeper meaning there?

No real deep meaning, just being accurate. You may have missed my postings. On November 9 I basically was served divorce papers. W filed as soon as the one year since the October 10 2017 separation, actually she jump the gun a little.

This effort of her’s is looking to be completed even faster than her separation which was finalized in 61 days after BD, OM, move out, adultery admission, and throwing everything and everyone away. Wow a lot happened in those scant few days.

Anyhow, the divorce, which did catch me off guard, was forwarded to the courts on my Birthday, and if my L is correct on timing, and if nothing is held up, should be enacted on or about Christmas Day.

So I have been using STBXW - soon to be ex wife - since it is an accurate accounting of her status. I even updated my signature line for these weeks. I do switch to using W at times, to many damn letters to type in STBXW. Lol. Soon it will just be XW or maybe just X, small case maybe xw, or x. I don’t know, I’ll have to figure it out soon.

So that is why, no big deep meaning, just me being accurate and trying to see the big full picture denial free.

Take care.

DnJ