Whirlwind of Hurt 5

[Twofeet]

Sandi, AS, Everyone,

My house doesn't really need anything I really like the way it looks. I replaced some things that she took such as the TV, certain appliances, and kids items. I am a minimalist so there are things I did not replace. W and I have very similar tastes so my house and her new house are pretty neutral. Hers is more feminine and mine is more masculine because she took what feminine touches she had when she separated. I have a few ideas for some changes, but I want to save my money for now and spend it on my GAL. My GAL has been mostly solo GAL which might be part of some of my issues. I think I need to do some more social GAL. I was thinking about signing up for yoga, that may be more social. I was thinking about taking some Spanish lessons locally so I think that would be social. There is a meetup group for consumers of my industry and I was thinking about doing that. I was also going to get a ski pass for the first time in years which maybe more solo, but I probably could find a group to go with. Just kind of need to figure it all out and balance it with the kids schedule and needs. I am going out to dinner with my folks on Friday with a couple who my parents have befriended and are around my age. I am also having a couple who are long time friends of mine over for dinner on Saturday.

I took her diplomas off the wall today so now only my diplomas are up. I wrapped them up and will give them to W today when she swings by to drop of the girls dresses for their Christmas program tonight. I told her to bring them after dinner, so she doesn't try to have dinner at my house again. We be driving separate to the program. I haven't taken down our wedding photo. I tried to do it today, but I just couldn't make myself do it yet.

I sent her an email listing all the money she owes me for November and December with a note that I needed to be reimbursed for November as soon as possible and December charges need to be paid by the end of the month. W CC finally stopped sending me charge notifications. I felt some anxiety because I am in the dark, but also some relief for the same reason.

Lastly, I called up IC to schedule an appointment. I kind of was on a as needed basis at this point with IC. I think I might have hit the depression stage in the grieving process. I feel like garbage, my heart hurts, and I am crying or at the point of crying all the time. I am just at an all time low. I feel like lying in bed and I feel low on motivation, but I know I gotta stay on the move so I don't sink further.

I know everyone knows this, but man this is just so hard and hurts so much.

-AS, what I can say right now based on where I am at, as long myself and W are alive I will have some small hope of reconciliation.

-Sandi I totally get what you are saying. I know you are not pro-divorce. Thanks for the 2x4 and gameplan.