13 years and 2 kids pt. 3.

[Hurt213]

Thank you all for the responses.

I actually have been having a great time today and that is definitely new, so I am enjoying this.

AS,
The female friend I spent the night with is my oldest friend, and there is absolutely nothing "unethical" about our relationship. She is my trusted companion and has been through so many endeavors and struggles in my life. My WW trust her 100% and I have spent many nights on her couch, even when me and WW were at our happiest, with my ww's blessing . I didn't mention that, and can understand how it could seem inappropriate.

I am super tired today, and will be going to bed early. Tomorrow going to the theater with a friend and wednesday going to a restaurant. Thursday going to my parents place, and then friday I get the kids, and she will be gone for most of the weekend, so we are going to the swimming pool, visit some family, and get the last christmas presents bought.

[Hurt213]

Journal:

So I was in bed, doing some finances on my pc, and I noticed that ww had withdrawn 375 dollars from a mutual account we have house expenses such as things for the kids etc. However, we agreed when we split our finances, that this account wouldn't be touched unless we both agreed on it.

I know I shouldn't confront or upset the creature, however I went into the living room, and asked why she had made a withdrawal without informing me. She then became real upset, and said she had spent money from her personal account and was just "getting back" what was hers. She hadn't informed me because I was in MBR (yea thats a 5 feet walk for you my dear). I said, I didn't want to argue, and that I could understand that she would want her money if she had spent out of own pocket when she was not supposed to - however, I would like to just get an overview of said spendings.

So we sat down, and the thing is, I know for a fact, that she is struggling financially, and she is going to travel with OM, she needs to buy presents for the kids and her family, and I am 100% positive, she just tried to finance that with said withdrawal. However, we no longer share anything but that account, and therefore she is not spending anything on my goodwill anymore.

So she made list of what she had spent money on and there were some real fictional posts on that paper, but I don't want to argue, and told her that if I had come off as trying to blame her, that was not my intention, I just wanted things to be clean and right, and money was a subject that could really get people going, so I didn't want her and I to go there.
The numbers in general weren't big, so I just let it slide this time - I think she learned her lesson, and I think behind the "you are an idiot attitude", she is embarrassed that I caught her trying to take the money.

I calculated her spendings versus her withdrawal and made her redeposit 195 dollars, which she had withdrawn and had not spent on kids / household items.

She then proceeded to say, that she think I should be buying food since she was embarrassed of the way she had handled that. I couldn't agree anymore, but just said we both had a responsibility for that as long as we lived together, and that I didn't blame her. I then said, I would do the groceries from here on out if that was what she thought was best financially.

She then wanted us to lower the budget for the kids christmas presents by more than 70%. I was baffled, but I know, it is because she can't afford them. She said "the kids are so small and they will get so many presents from extended family, that they won't care". I was like... I will, and we will stick to the budget we agreed on (its not my fault that she will rather spend money on vacation with OM than presents for her kids).

So I know not to argue, engage conversation and so forth, but yea, I feel like I handled this the only way I could without letting it get out of control.

After this, im positive, she won't be taking money from the account again before asking / telling me (got a sms alert on it anyways now). However I do believe she feels like im an idiot, and it didn't benefit my sitch in particular?


/h

[Hurt213]

Also..

It really showed me what she is like.

All day, she has been trying to interact in the sweetest and kindest manner. I accidentally bumped my head against the car door today (im an idiot), and have been having a headache. She tried to "puzzle" around me like old times when I would be sick or feeling bad, and then she would constantly try to ask me if I needed anything.. It was the same today. I declined in a polite manner..

Then tonight, when I ask about her withdrawal of cash, she just switches, becomes aggravated instantly, and says with teeth grinding, that she wants to write down what she spent, so I can see. Amazing to see the real person pop out. She is only nice when it is to her advantage. Scary.

[LH19]

I,

I want you to reread your post and then tell me if you think you came out of it looking more alpha or more beta based on what you posted?

[Hurt213]

LH,

I do believe I stood up for myself, and I protected myself, my assets and thereby acted in my kids and my own interests. In my eyes that makes me alpha. I don't know if I am perceiving this wrong, but I think she was definitely in the "no no" zone with what she did. And her being upset about it isn't really of my concern, well it shouldnt be.

[Joe2017]

If you really want to protect your assets you will start a new account at a different bank and move your direct deposit to that account. Does she have a legal right to the money during D proceedings? SURE. But she will not be able to control your money RIGHT NOW.

Don't fund her waywarding. This is her journey. She needs to pay the fare on her own dime.

[RyanHun]

Hurt,
From one beta to another I think that while you did stand up for yourself and did more or less sort the situation out it was not Alpha at all. What is best for you and what is best for the kids? Obviously it is the expenses being taken care of surrounding the house and kids. Your W has now proven to you that she can't be trusted with that account, she has flat out told you she didn't and can't handle it. My two cents, get rid of the joint account. The two of you raising kids is basically a business arrangement now. In a business arrangement you would keep track of the monthly expenses and retain receipts and sort out 50/50 say at the end of each month.

[Hurt213]

I will be calling the bank in the morning, and simply shut down the possibility to make withdrawals on that account. End f story.

This has indeed turned into a business relationship, and that is how I adress it in order to detach myself. She is in it for cake-eating and for the security we provide. Well she can't have that with her behaviour.

It annoys me that I had to set my foot down, because I feel like I am really doing great, when I just give her and myself space. Then I don't have to be aware of her activities with OM (watching phone go nuts every night from texts) and whatever. Its her life, and she is free to live it as she pleases - I feel like I somehow fail, when I have to interact on a matter such as this, however I am now shutting down that account and thats the end of it. I would feel more beta, had I not told her, that her actions are not okay I think?

[Joe2017]

Actions speak louder than words bro. Be a man of action.

[Hurt213]

So I cancelled the account today, and I guess thats the only thing we had in common, and the only thing that could stir up a problem between us, since her actions could affect me (withdrawals for personal gains).

I want to be the man of action, I want to let go. I am doing my best. I want to be alpha and not beta(apparently I am having a hard time figuring that out, and would appreciate some tips).

Today there is a christmas show at our school, and ww asked if I wanted to go with the kids. I haven't answered, wanted your guys response. I know I might ask the same questions multiple times, but I might just be a slow learner (so I hope you guys don't mind). <--- My gut tells me to say no, that we don't do family times anymore. Do I tell her by text, that I won't attend, and how could the text be worded for example?

When at home, she acts real nice towards me, happy, engaging and wants to cake-eat. I want to shut it down, and just be for my self or go out, and she doesn't seem to mind or get upset / take notice of this, so I guess thats the way I keep on going.

Other than that, I am ready for a good day. I am having a hard time figuring out "Actions speak louder than words bro. Be am an of action." Is this actions from following the sandi rules, or actions showing her that I don't want anything to do with her as long as there is another man? How do I pull this off without being a complete jerk?