At times I feel like I am the one spinning still. W is unchanged. Ignores me mostly. Expectations... I'm not invisible although I might as well be. I feel like she has a whole keyboard to push and I found her buttons with a safety cover in place and secured. Do I want to push buttons? Only if I could make her happy, smile, laugh... something that would be a positive. A happy reaction. So right now I have to work on being calm. Not puling my hair out.
Detached? Not at all. If anything I feel like I am clinging tighter than ever. Bad Turbine. Can't grow that way. Can't make the changes needed to get past this and thrive. However it ends.
Scheduled next coaching session, in four days. Can a miracle happen in that time? Sure. But that would be on my time line and not His. Guess He isn't done with me yet either.
I apologize to her in my head all the time. I pray that God forgives me, she forgives me and I forgive me. The last can be the hardest to do can't it. I know that not all of this is on me. But right now I would trade with Atlas. Feels like it is all on me. I can't do more than be me. A better me. Better by my standards or hers. TBH if I try to live up to her standards then it feels like more of the same. So what are my standards for me...? Guess if I hit the bike at the gym I will have something to occupy my mind while I ponder that.
It was asked on one of Gordies threads what he expects the R to be. The "running through the field of flowers into each others arms" or something else. Haven't read the answer in his thread. I need to answer it for me. What would it look like to me. Dropped the D. Moved back into the MBR and the bed. That touches on the physical side. More contact and sharing. Less criticism from both of us toward the other. More support. Acceptance and forgiveness. Starting to babble now.
More later...
Thanks
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
