Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 2)

[SteveLW]

n my darker moments (like 10 minutes ago), I sometimes run through the what-ifs....

Maybe I shouldn’t have married W? What if I married someone else—why did I pass up all those other women at various points in my life? God how F-ing stupid I was not to see that that girl was into me and I couldn’t or wouldn’t cash it in. Would this still be happening to me? Maybe, maybe not.

Bo, this is the same thing I've gone through. Both pre-BD and after.

When I was single, I had to find someone I was taken with. This led to one huge on-again, off-again relationship with one girl that last 16 years prior to meeting my W. She was gorgeous, sweet, perfect.....except she wasn't that into me. So she controlled the relationship. Even when she was dating someone else she knew she just had to wiggle her nose and I'd leap. I was just finally breaking that cycle when I met my W. In fact, just 3-4 months before that this girl called me and wanted to come to my apartment. Her (now H, then) BF was out of town hunting. I blew her off, told her I had things to do. She said "Well call me when you get done, no matter what time." I said "yeah ok" and hung up. Never called her. I guess she waited all day. She even told me years later that "she shaved her legs". If you know what that means.

I dated a lot of girls during that 16 years, and even a couple in the 3-4 months after breaking the cycle with, we'll call her NTIM#1 (Not That Into Me). Several girls that were head over heels, but I just didn't feel it for them. Then I met my W. The first 2 months the dynamic with her was very similar to the dynamic with NTIM#1. So essentially I was dealing with NTIM#2. My W still was hung up on a guy she had dated for short time before we met. Apparently his ExGF came back and said she was pregnant with his kid. My W told him to go deal with that, if she was still single when he figured everything out and wasn't with her, she'd be there. Then her and I met. 6 weeks in he told her that he was staying with his Ex to raise the baby. My W decided to try with me after that, and within a couple of weeks fell for me.

However, now looking back I wonder if I was plan B. She was 28, going on 29. Desperately wanted to be married and have kids. She even told me at one point that if she wasn't married in the next couple of years she would have a kid out of wedlock because she wanted to be a mom. What if Plan A (Mr. "My ExGF is pregnant with my kid") had stuck around? Am I now with someone that never wanted to be with me?

In the meantime, there were some great girls I didn't give a chance because of NTIM#1 and NTIM#2. One girl in particular I think we could have been very happy together. I didn't give her a chance initially because of NTIM#1. And then she started calling me again after I was with NTIM#2. Asked if I was seeing anyone. Of course I told her yes. This was the last time she tried. I often wonder what my life might be like if I had told NTIM#1 and #2 to get bent and tried with this girl. Very attractive, sweet. She just had one fatal flaw.....she actually was really into me. Not sure why that was such a turnoff to me back then.