My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 5

[ovrrnbw]

Hello everyone, thanks for keeping up with my thread. I like to take breaks from posting on my own, and sometimes on the weekends, just to remain sane and go be happy. Here's info and responses to everyone:

Nicole, Sia: My W is not Catholic, not a strong Christian by any means. She does trust the priest who married us, ironically, because he wasn't afraid to tell me I was wrong/misbehaving during our engagement. But she doesn't take communion anyways and we don't go to Mass often. Our meeting with the priest was interesting. His biggest, and most valid point, was how ingrained we are in our fight pattern between us. I am an argumentative person, either by nature or by nurture (my Dad), so I am trying to stay aware of this. I think going to the priest was a positive, because W respects him and likes him.

W's words were clear and direct when dealing with my issues, but indirect and soft when discussing hers. I brought this up, the priest and W talk about this. W says "OK, it's an affair by 'definition' ". Priest says, "and in reality, too". FYI W, SIL, FIL, MIL, and a couple of W's friends say it's not. W didn't like this, and I'm done pressing her to quit running from this reality. She knows, she'll accept it in her own time, or maybe not. It's out of my hands. And for a laugh, my W said before, during, and after this process that she "doesn't believe in divorce".

With the in-laws, I don't plan on discussing my marriage with them anymore. They choose to ignore both of their daughters' misbehaviors, and I am not the person to bring it to their attention. They are going to flip flop and rewrite history so that they can continue believing their girls are angels.

Blu, thanks for reading. I am trying to work on myself every day and fight old, "comfortable" tendencies. I do think W's being abusive is a response to a lot of the things I put her through (emotional, mental abuse, not accepting, respecting, and appreciating her). That's why my situation is so messy IMO. Hopefully, in time, she will take that hard look at herself. I really am not sure what a healthy MR looks like at this point. I could name off the "normal" things. I think what I have to give a partner is a funny question. My initial thoughts go to superficial things: money, cooking, wine, entertainment, looks. My weaknesses, and the casus belli for this whole sitch, is that I stopped being there for her emotionally, as a lover, partner, and friend. I think I focused on the superficial out of fear. I definitely don't like W treating me poorly, although it has improved since the end of August. She doesn't like when she's treating me badly, and doesn't like seeing herself in that light. I have definitely trained her for conflict and abuse, and I change that now by being honest, being fair, dropping the covert contracts and learning how to communicate.

Things in general are OK. W and I are getting along pretty well, working together on a few things, talking often. We went to a wedding Friday, and W spent the whole week stressing because my best friend was going to be there and she thinks he was "talking stuff" about her during the affair. He didn't overdo it IMO, he was only truthful. He also hooked up with OM's sister a year or two back. But she's a barfly and he's sugar to those type of flies. In laws came over for dinner one night during the week.

I was reading in Steve's thread about the intimate kissing and the emotional impact/meaning for women and found that quite interesting. W and I had been giving picks at night and goodbye pecks in the mornings. On Saturday morning, W busted out the Binaca and initiated a makeout session. I thought initially she just wanted sex, but she actually just wanted to make out. And we had a couple more makeout sessions throughout the day. The little affections have increased, and now I'm paying attention. I'm trying to give W those type of affections without the expectation of sex, and to just make her happy. I got W a St. Nick's present (a cheap one)/ So that's where we're at. Saturday and Sunday we went out to eat and walking, shopping in a cool part of town, watched Christmas movies, made pizza, hung out, cuddled up.

Next hurdle: my Mom's bday this week and Christmas.

Thanks for the support, and sorry for another book!