Whirlwind of Hurt 5

[sandi2]

I don't want to sound like I am looking for a pity party, but I thought I was a good man. I know I am not perfect and I made mistakes.

I want to make something perfectly clear. The reason your W has left the MR and is filing for a D is not b/c you are/were a bad man. Being imperfect does not make us a bad person. From what I have read, you need to stop beating up on yourself. Your W manipulates you like crazy! She verbally beats you up, and you take it......and validate her. I know most everyone here preaches validation, but I think there comes a time with a wayward W that the H needs to stop trying to validate his abuser while she's verbally beating him. That's just me. There's a time and place, if you know what I mean.

I said I would always keep the door open for you if you wanna have a talk about an R down the road. Basically Coach CW mindset, but the wrong approach. Basically it screams look at me I want to be plan B. I am open to a reconciliation, but not being plan B.

I could not agree more! With WW's, the H cannot show that he is available now or in the future. Instead, he has to show actions of moving on with his life. The WW has to see she is losing him in several ways, and he's not going to be available whenever she decides she wants him. She has to realize she is losing him as a friend, a partner, a counselor, a rescuer, a errand boy, a plumber, construction worker, mechanic, or whatever the heck she needs fixing at any given moment.

This is the mindset of wayward W's. She does not identify with your pain. She does not even realize the depth of your suffering. She thinks only of her own feelings. That's how she operates. Everything she does is motivated by selfishness. You may not always see it, but I promise you that she is thinking how she will benefit in every situation. You cannot take anything at face value when dealing with a WW. You cannot believe anything she says. I responded to your post on my thread, regarding this subject.

Before I leave I say look I am truly sorry for all the wrongs I did in our MR, I own up to every single thing I did. If I could go back in time I would, but I can't. I can only move forward. She says thank you then we say goodbye.

Okay TF, consider this your point where you completely shift in your "relationship" with your WW. Don't look at this four month period as your last chance to "win" her back by becoming someone she'll like. That type of mindset causes men to become wimps. This is the time you take a completely different approach in how you deal with this situation.

You stop engaging with her. No more comforting her. No more hugs or kisses. No more tenderness. No more rescuing her. You let her go. You let her learn on her own, and the hard way......without helping her. This is tough love. It is not being hateful or mean. As a WW. she has to go through this for her own sake. She will never find her way back to being her old self if you don't make this shift.

You stop having chats with her. No more allowing her to corner you off while she verbally beats you down. No more texting back & forth conversations. Use as few words as possible if you must relay a message regrading the kids. She won't like it, and she will probably accuse you of being cold or whatever in order to manipulate you...….but stick to your guns. Btw, don't fall into that trap where she asks for photos of the kids when they aren't with her. That's just a WW's of keeping the H connected to her. You owe her no explanations!! She chose to leave her position as your W, so now she stops getting the benefits. You stop serving cake. You stop being her H. Understand?

This will feel opposite of what your emotions tell you to do. I'm telling you as a former WW, you can't be her friend during this time. It will not pull her closer. It just gives her an excuse to abuse you more. The next four months, you need to go as dark as possible with her. Don't show her you care or are interested in anything she does. Don't let her pull you into her drama. Drop the rope.

I suggest you no longer go inside her house. If you pick up the kids or drop them off at her place, do it at the door.....but don't go inside. Whenever the H goes inside the WW's place, it's too easy for her to draw him into other things. So, be strong here. Learn to say, "No, thanks"...…...or just, "No".

She needs a rude awakening. That's what it takes for a WW to come to her senses. You have been there for her for 20 years. How do you think she's going to make it without you now? Well, I think she'll try to keep you connected, b/c she habitually turns to you. This is when you must be strong and not fall for her tricks. When you detach and GAL, and stop engaging with her......you'll be able to see her tactics more clearly.

You said you were going to focus on yourself. Have you made any changes inside your house? Taken down her pictures, fix the place to look like a man lives there....instead of a woman? Know what I mean? Hey, turn it into a man cave, if you like. It's your place to do whatever you want. It's just a suggestion.

If I have confused you, please ask questions. Although my words my sound somewhat pro-divorce to some people, I am telling you, from the viewpoint of a former WW, what you need to do.