Where I really effed up is I said I will always keep the door open for W.
The whole convo was a mistake. It wasn't a major screw-up or anything, but you shouldn't be engaging in ANY kind of talks with W about dating and such. She asks you if you are dating or going to date? Tell her you'd rather not discuss that with her, PERIOD. As for keeping the door open, don't keep reminding her, she already knows you are Plan B. The trick is getting her to think you are NOT Plan B anymore.
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Well I wanted to hit her with some reality
That's not your job, it's life's. The fact is you CAN'T get her to see reality because she won't believe it coming from you. She'll see any attempt on your part to give her a dose of reality as a "trick" to win her back.
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She couldn't believe she got a tattoo and she was on an emotional rollercoaster and went off the rails on me.
There you go, life teaching her a lesson! Wait until one of the executives notices it. Karma!
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but I thought I was a good man
Why are her bad life decisions making you think otherwise?
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What did I do to deserve this? What did I do wrong? Why is God punishing me? Why am I being tested?
God isn't testing you, you didn't do anything wrong, this is just life. We're all dealt crappy hands sometimes and we have no choice but to play them. Yes it's miserable to go through but your life isn't ALL bad. You are healthy, you are employed, your kids are healthy, your W is still alive and as long as she is there's still a chance for recon. By all means cry and grieve as it helps you get over it. But eventually you'll start seeing that despite this, you are going to be just fine and will rise above it all.
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Right now I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball and die.
Believe me, I was there, and you have got to take this piece of advice to heart- GET OUT AND GAL. There is nothing that will make that feeling go away quickly, but with time GAL will make it go away. Make yourself GAL every day. Eventually you won't have to make yourself do it quite so hard, and then after that you'll actually find yourself enjoying it.
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This hurts more than anything I have ever experienced in my life, and it wont stop hurting.
The pain seems unbearable but you can do this. It WILL stop, just not as fast as you want it to. Take things a day at a time. Don't worry about tomorrow, just get through the day. Or if that seems too much, then take it an hour at a time. There's no reason to give up hope, people reconcile from much worse places than you and your W so you really don't know if it's over or not. So hang onto hope, and get out and GAL.
