We had a long talk again last night. Again, H initiated the conversation. He basically reiterated how much he loves me. He says he feels like he has to figure out who he is. He doesn’t feel like he’s been a good H. He’s ashamed that he had an affair on me because I didn’t deserve it. He just can’t figure out why he was so weak. He also can’t figure out at what point in our marriage he started to feel a disconnect. He said there was a time when he was happily married and that he loved being my H. He’s just not exactly sure when that changed or what made it change. He referred back to a time when we had a beautiful home, he had a good job that he loved, and we were more financially stable. He said he was happy then.
Back to our convo...He said he feels like he just can’t get marriage right. However, he said that he’s scared to let me go because he thinks he will end up regretting it.
Translation- "I still want to have a fling, or maybe multiple flings, but I do like to hang onto my old married life as well, so please stay on as Plan B while I explore my options." Don't buy into his crap. He's reading from the wayward husband script.
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He also said he’s scared of being alone.
Well gee, maybe if he were married to a great woman he wouldn't be.... OH WAIT HE ALREADY IS. I mean WOW, if "scared of being alone" is his only reason to cling to the M then what does that say about him.
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He then says that he has noticed how good I’ve been looking. He says he thinks I’m absolutely beautiful. He said that he also notices that I’ve changed some of the things he complained about. He said he appreciates it and notices it all. I told him I’m not making changes for him, I’m making them for myself.
Great response.
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He then said he’s enjoyed the chase and pursuing me.
(shaking head)
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We ended our conversation by him telling me he needs more time to figure things out but he assured me he’s working on it. He then asked me if I could give him more time. He said he doesn’t want to rush to a D and he hopes I don’t either but he understands he can’t control that. He asked me could I give him more time. I said nothing.
GOOD! I'm glad you didn't respond to this ridiculous inquiry of his. YOU ARE NOT PLAN B and he needs to get that through his thick skull.
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I honestly didn’t know what to say.
Tell him that you can't make him any promises, that you are working on yourself and as you do, you are enjoying your new sense of freedom and independence. Tell him it sounds like he has a LOT of work to do on himself and that once he does that, if he is SERIOUS about reconciling then you will consider it AT THAT TIME.
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He came in my room as I was getting in bed and he climbed in my bed and said, you never answered my question.
Please tell me you kicked him out!
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I asked him why does he hold on to me if he claims to want out. He said because I truly love you with all my heart. He then asked again, if I could give him more time. I said I can’t answer that right now. I then told him good night and insisted that he go sleep in his room. Of course he wanted to stay in bed with me but I wouldn’t allow it. I then locked my door and he tried to come back in but couldn’t get in.
Hallelujah! You are doing and saying all the right things, well done! I wish more LBS's had your strength and intestinal fortitude! He is trying so hard to cake-eat that it's ridiculous. This guy has some freakin' cajones as we like to say in TX. You are doing a great job at shutting that crap down, keep it up. He still has a long way to go before he hits bottom and may actually get serious about trying to get you back.
