Whirlwind of Hurt 5

[Twofeet]

Friday I flew to my destination, and I arrived at the hotel at night. I cried in my room and went to bed. Woke up in the middle of the night, cried and posted here blaming myself. Woke up in the A.M. cried then went to breakfast with my old boss and his wife. Updated them on my sitch since we have become good friends after I transferred to my home state. We explored the city, then I went back to my room to recharge and cry. Later was lunch with colleagues then more exploring until it was time to go back to my room to get ready for the evening, to which I cried again. The the evening work festivities which were awesome, and concluded with an impromptu party in our hotel lobby/bar. Didn't tell anyone about my sitch other than the earlier discussions with my old boss. I didn't feel like being a downer while everyone was having such a good time. The HR lady did come up to me at one point that evening and says something to the effect of you are going through some hard times. I say yes very hard times, it was all unexpected and completely out of the blue. She says I'm really sorry to hear that and comes up to rub/pat my back. She says I was in a similar situation, I can understands what you are going through. You are going to be okay, you will make it through this. It was a very nice gesture and felt good. It almost caused me to get emotional and I think she sensed that so she backed off and changed subjects. After the party I went to my room and cried.
I woke up the next morning and cried. Ubered to the airport where the driver out of the blue told me a story about his friend who cheated on his wife and the price he paid for it. Is this random story a coincidence or a little message from God? When I pray I often ask for little signs that I am being heard. Anyway sitting at the airport I was feeling really blue and trying to bury my emotions as the airport is not the best place for it. By the time I was on the plane heading home I had leveled out and was feeling better. I stopped by my parents place for dinner. Told my parents about my emotional state. They said its probably due to the reality of everything really getting real especially after the child classes on Friday. Told me W dropped all my family or friends from my side from her social media. Probably to hide what she is doing, protect herself, so no one has any ammunition or can tell her parents what she is doing. I tell my parents that at least now no one can accidentally tell me what she is posting on social media.
After dinner I drove to W house to pick up my dog. My kids were excited to see me and show me their rooms as W bought a bunch of stuff to decorate them. W was using the philips head screwdriver bit to basically poke holes in the wall with the electric drill. I explained how to do it with a drill bit first and asked if she wanted a demonstration, but she said she was almost done and it was pretty much too late. I had to let my dog out before I could go and W had me cornered and started having the R talk with me. I just validated, over and over. She was talking about resentment she had built up in our MR, how hard things have been for her. She is broke and wants to IOU me for Nov & Dec CS payments plus the other expenses she owes me. She doesn't want to do joint Santa gifts because she cant afford it. I told her I would send her an email with the items and totals of what she owes. I told her that her priority should be paying her portion of the kids tuition first as she hasn't paid. I am thinking to myself if she stopped buying stuff like a tattoo, couple of nights out on the town every week, decorations on other nonessentials for her home maybe she would have more money. She is the one with a 6 figure income and took 90% of the cash assets and she is the broke one. Anyway she has her tattoo exposed and the kids know about it. I think it looks good and let her know that. (She looks good to me which makes it really hard and I try calling the dog in as I need to get out of the situation I am in). W wants to know why I told the kids about her sister's tattoo (Her sis got a tattoo on her hip back when she was like 19 and has kept it hidden from her parents all these years) I tell wife I learned about your tat on Friday, and haven't seen the kids since then. When would I tell D8 about the tat? W says what about before that? I say good grief she stays the night at the cousins house, I am sure once in those many times she has probably seen it. W then goes on to say how she is hurt by what I said Friday about how hard it is going to be for her to date and get into a R while I am out having fun dating younger attractive women in their 20s. I just keep validating. I apologized for coming off like I was trying to be mean and tell her the truth is we are both at a disadvantage, we both have baggage we will carry with us. More R talk, more resentment, and me validating. She gets mad at one point and says stop saying you care, you don't care, get the hell out of my house. I never said that or use that in my validation, whatever she was Friday, she is clearly not that and she is still on the rollercoaster. Finally, my dog is ready to go and I head out the door. W stops me even though she just tried kicking me out. She starts more R talk and tearing up which at this point I am so taxed I start tearing up. She comments how in the past she could be bawling here eyes out and I was stone cold. Now she starts tearing up and I tear up, the change confuses her. I don't tell her its because I am changing and improving, that goes against DB. At this point I am trying to get out the door, W is hurting and I am hurting. I am fighting off a huge urge to hug, kiss, and comfort her. I can't do that anymore and I need to get out. Before I leave I say look I am truly sorry for all the wrongs I did in our MR, I own up to every single thing I did. If I could go back in time I would, but I can't. I can only move forward. She says thank you then we say goodbye. Man, that was next level hard. We are both deeply wounded people, and it still amazes me how deep her wounds go. Makes me feel terrible, and question myself. I thought I was a good H, but could a good H cause this much hurt? Makes me feel like a piece of human trash.

New DB goal: Stop putting myself in situations with W where we talk about things beyond kids and kid related expenses. W is too intoxicating for me and I get hooked and drawn in too easy.

Bo562 - I have friends in SoCal.

LH19, DV6, Davide, and everyone else thank you for your words. It really helps. Since Friday I have been feeling a deep sadness and your comments really go a long way.