I would lie, if I said that this what not my thoughts for a long time, however, she would still be the WW who betrayed me, who lied and who manipulated me. And I do not want that. I have one life, and I want to make it a goddamn great experience, with a person who want me, for the person I am. It might be her down the road, but even if their thing does not work out, it doesn't mean she has changed one bit, i just mean that she wants to rebound on me until she finds something interesting again. The thing is, I wouldn't do it either way, because I would have to be 100% certain, that she was in this because she wants to be, and that she can only show me through her actions. I can't put my kids through the rough break up process that will occur when the house sells, only to give them hopes for R, and then she leaves again because she never processed and worked through the things she wants to figure out on her own.
So yes, they have been my thoughts, but honestly, no, they aren't at this time in place.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
So, yesterday evening, I had the house for myself with the kids, and we had a great time, S1 was REALLY tired, and after having bathed him and D4, he nearly fell asleep onto of me while we where playing in the couch with his cars. I tugged him in, and D4 really enjoyed just having alone time with me (so Did I!). So she actually got to stay up 1 hour later than usual, and we just watched a movie, talked about santa and decided to post a letter for him today.
Today also marks the day where I am getting the tattoo I have been wanting for a long time, so im super stoked about that. I will be getting my kids names, with some arrows that symbolizes that whatever pulls us doesn't matter, cause we are like the arrow, always moving in the direction we aimed at. Then their birthdays will be in roman numbers under the arrows. I have been putting it off, but now I said, yep! hurt, you want this, so do this. I can't wait to get it done .
Tonight I will be going to a friends house, since "she who shall not be named (Voldemort?)" is getting the kids today and will be at the house. So I am just gonna spend today having fun, and plan some things and activities for the coming week with the kids and also activities just for me.
I have been spending some time rereading the detachment thread, the validation thread, and especially the Sandi rules. I think I have got myself together again, and I will implement the rules of Sandi to the best of my abilities. And If interpert them correctly? this will also help me detach in a healthy manner. I will be upbeat, content, but not engaging, and just let Voldemort do what s(he), does, and not get caught up reactional / emotional about it, and if I do, I will fake it, and walk away to vent somewhere alone.
Its gonna be a great day. I hope you all have a good one. I will check back in later .
Last edited by Hurt213; 12/07/1808:01 AM.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
So just ended up in my bed after a long and eventful day.
I had a great day at work today, just having fun with colleagues and laughing, haven't been doing much of that lately, so it was really nice. Went straight from work to the tattoo parlor, and got myself the kick ass tattoo with my kids names and birthdays, that I have been wanting, and I love it. D4 was super stoked, that she was on daddy arm.
We had dinner, and then S1 was tugged in. After that, I made myself ready, kissed D4 goodnight, and then I took off, first I went to visit my sister, and afterwards I drove to my parents place. We had a glass of wine, and talked for several hours about my sitch, about my future, and what I wanted to do as of now, it was a nice talk with no pressure at all, just a bit of venting, and then some possible scenarios of how the future might look, and I can see a lot of interesting projects forming.
I just arrived home, kids are sleeping, their mother is sleeping, and now, I will be too soon since I am going to the gym at 05.30 . Tomorrow I am going for a walk with the kids, then we are going to make christmas decorations, bake a cake, get a haircut, and tomorrow evening I am going to go on a pubcrawl with some friends, and it has been a while, so I am looking forward to that.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
So friday I went to my parents place, and just had a good talk about my sitch, and they of course had some questions and stuff, that I haven't been ready to discuss / talk about up until now. D4 was awake when I took off as I mentioned, and yea, I don't like driving off when they are not sleeping, because they see WW do that often, and well, I somehow think I need to be there all the time then (I know it might sound weird, but I want to be the one stabile part of their lifes at the moment).
Saturday came, I did some things around the house, and then at 16.30 I took off, WW told me, that I looked really good (why does she always comment on my looks?) again, kids weren't asleep of course but I wanted to go out and I did. I kissed them goodbye and took off. I went to a friends house, we talked, played some boardgames, and went for a pubcrawl. It was fun, it was nice going out, and yea too much alcohol was consumed .
So I woke up on her couch this morning at 7.00, and I was like (and I don't know if this is normal?), I had an incredible urge to go home. I felt like I had spent too much money on nonsense (alcohol and stuff) that I could have spent on activities with the kids. I also felt like, (and of course I had fun last night), but I felt like I had wasted money on nothing, that I should not had gone, that I should focus on going the gym, being there for my kids, and not go out, get wasted and act like a teenager. I just wanted to be with my kids, and yes, this is where I realize I am not detached, because I also had an incredible urge to go home to see WW and just have a sunday morning (what is wrong with me......)
So I packed my stuff, went home and kids were so happy to see me. I feel ashamed for having spent so much money going out that I could have put into my kids? WW came out and greeted me when I came home. I had a coffee, sat down with the kids, and WW came in and sat down in the couch. She then said once again, that I was looking real nice. She asked if people (she assumed I was with others I guess, since I didn't tell her where I went) didn't notice how I had been working out?
Then I went to take a shower. Unpacked my back and her phone was on the counter. I couldn't resist (yep not detached), So I glanced at the screen, and behold, there was 3 snapchats from OM just 3 minutes old. I know my course is another life without her, but it is damn hard. How can a person sit down in a couch with a family she has broken, and then know, that the OM is texting her, most likely making plans and what not while she sits there and compliments me? Wow....
So yea, I hope the day will get better, and I can discard my emotions regarding going out yesterday. I think it boils down to the fact, that I was out 2 out of 3 weekend days, and that I feel like I missed out on the weekend with the kids.
I am going to go out again, but I think I am going to quit drinking alcohol for now, because my emotions coupled with alcohol is a bad cocktail. So I will just enjoy my GAL activities with water / soft drinks instead, and be composed, and in control of my emotions instead. (and No, I don't drink very often so its not like I have a problem, however it becomes a problem with my current emotional state no doubt).
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
So friday I went to my parents place, and just had a good talk about my sitch, and they of course had some questions and stuff, that I haven't been ready to discuss / talk about up until now. D4 was awake when I took off as I mentioned, and yea, I don't like driving off when they are not sleeping, because they see WW do that often, and well, I somehow think I need to be there all the time then (I know it might sound weird, but I want to be the one stabile part of their lifes at the moment).
Saturday came, I did some things around the house, and then at 16.30 I took off, WW told me, that I looked really good (why does she always comment on my looks?) again, kids weren't asleep of course but I wanted to go out and I did. I kissed them goodbye and took off. I went to a friends house, we talked, played some boardgames, and went for a pubcrawl. It was fun, it was nice going out, and yea too much alcohol was consumed .
So I woke up on her couch this morning at 7.00, and I was like (and I don't know if this is normal?), I had an incredible urge to go home. I felt like I had spent too much money on nonsense (alcohol and stuff) that I could have spent on activities with the kids. I also felt like, (and of course I had fun last night), but I felt like I had wasted money on nothing, that I should not had gone, that I should focus on going the gym, being there for my kids, and not go out, get wasted and act like a teenager. I just wanted to be with my kids, and yes, this is where I realize I am not detached, because I also had an incredible urge to go home to see WW and just have a sunday morning (what is wrong with me......)
So I packed my stuff, went home and kids were so happy to see me. I feel ashamed for having spent so much money going out that I could have put into my kids? WW came out and greeted me when I came home. I had a coffee, sat down with the kids, and WW came in and sat down in the couch. She then said once again, that I was looking real nice. She asked if people (she assumed I was with others I guess, since I didn't tell her where I went) didn't notice how I had been working out?
Then I went to take a shower. Unpacked my back and her phone was on the counter. I couldn't resist (yep not detached), So I glanced at the screen, and behold, there was 3 snapchats from OM just 3 minutes old. I know my course is another life without her, but it is damn hard. How can a person sit down in a couch with a family she has broken, and then know, that the OM is texting her, most likely making plans and what not while she sits there and compliments me? Wow....
So yea, I hope the day will get better, and I can discard my emotions regarding going out yesterday. I think it boils down to the fact, that I was out 2 out of 3 weekend days, and that I feel like I missed out on the weekend with the kids.
I am going to go out again, but I think I am going to quit drinking alcohol for now, because my emotions coupled with alcohol is a bad cocktail. So I will just enjoy my GAL activities with water / soft drinks instead, and be composed, and in control of my emotions instead. (and No, I don't drink very often so its not like I have a problem, however it becomes a problem with my current emotional state no doubt).
I'm in the same boat. WW shows no remorse. WW wants a D. I'm just on IHS until she files or I get tired of it and file. I am doing a good job of detaching and working on myself. But I am still very hurt and my WW is on my mind often. I keep allowing myself to remember that she allowed another man to do what only I am supposed to do to her and it makes me angry. I really dont know how long I will have these feelings.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
So yesterday went by quickly. I have been thinking a lot about me, and how I have been "trying to fake it, but without wanting to make it" up until now.
I realize, that by distancing me, by giving her space, and by not interacting with her, I opened up a window of opportunity, that many of you vets commented on. I however did not stay the course, and I failed the temp-checks on my birthday.
I have been thinking about past-present and onwards. I realize now, that what I must do, is get back on that track. Be kind, be upbeat, be a cool and loving dad. I must be the man, only a fool would leave, and she must see, that she is that fool. I think she began seeing that, but I expected things, I reacted to those expectations not being fulfilled, and that was my wrong doing.
So I guess that, I after my birthday began the journey back. The journey to becoming a person I am proud of, a person my kids can be proud of, and those should be my goals, they shouldn't include her at all. I am going to really make an effort into finding that track, that put me on the road to detachment. I am going to be mysterious, and I am going to enjoy myself while I do it. Scarce communication unless it is regarding kids. I won't react to her arguments / insults, I will walk away. I will however enforce my boundary about telling her when she disrespects me, and that I think I deserve more, and then I will leave the room.
Here is to getting a new start, and finding my path again. It seems, whenever I manage to get myself away from her, and doing everything my brain tells me I shouldn't, because then she is free do just leave, then she suddenly realizes that I am not her PLAN B, that I am not available, and that makes her really come to me. She wants to chat, she asks random questions that doesn't matter and wants to talk about things that she could easily sort herself. She texts, she makes me morning coffee, she makes dinner. <-- My task is not put believe that these actions are because she wants to be with me, but merely because she is checking if I have checked out.
Plan:
-180 on things I dislike about my self. -180 on my need to try and "stop" her relationship with OM (I need to let it happen, and to either let it crash and burn or flourish). Either way, I wouldn't want her back unless she comes back out of love.
-GAL, I am going to not include alcohol in my GAL life for the time being, as I don't see it having a good impact on myself in my current emotional state. I need to clear my head. Luckily I do have a lot of activities I do, that doesn't include drinks. I won't exclude myself from GAL activities that include drinking, but hey, whats wrong with having a non-alcoholic drink with friends? .
- Detach, I basically will be there for "WE", and WE does now count me and the children. I will listen to WW talk and validate if needed, but she will be the one engaging these interactions, not me. I will be happy, content, and I will try to be out of the house when the kids are sleeping. I will go by the mindset of being the AMOAFWL. I will let WW have her own life, not control her, not judge her, and not tell her what I think is right or wrong (unless she breaks the aforementioned boundary), because, it is her choice, her life and her decisions that she has to live by.
The house will sell, We won't spend christmas and new years together (I decided that). I don't think she can have family times like these with me anymore since she broke the family. It hurts, but it will get better.
Maybe down the road things will be different. Well, they will be, question is what they will look like.
Just my thoughts from the past week.
/H
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Hurt...what you just wrote sounds much more balanced and positive. this is much more about YOUR actions and YOU than it is about her. as you are likely to get more wayward/crazy coming at you, do your absolute best to keep steady as it comes at you. it will take you time and no one is perfect at this so ingrain that into your thinking. if you didn't see this...sandi in one of her other threads gave some good info i think you should keep in mind:
Originally Posted by sandi
It's not your job to administer punishment to her. It's your job to protect your own feelings (set boundaries around yourself) and know what action you will do if those boundaries are crossed. It's not about you controlling her, but protecting yourself. You have to know how to separate making calm decisions rather than reacting to emotional pain. Are you focused on seeing her suffer...…….. or are you focused on protecting yourself from the pain she inflicts on you?
take care of you and your children, let W alone to do whatever she will...prayers for you as always.
Saturday came, I did some things around the house, and then at 16.30 I took off, WW told me, that I looked really good (why does she always comment on my looks?)
Cake-eating/ placating.
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So I woke up on her couch this morning at 7.00, and I was like (and I don't know if this is normal?), I had an incredible urge to go home.
So you spent the night at a female friend's house? Sounds inappropriate to me for someone trying to work on their M. I'm sure you've seen the many posts we've made suggesting to people that they be the lighthouse to their spouse, and that they always always ALWAYS take the high road while their WAS is mired in the mud of the low road. Do you feel you are doing that?
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I felt like I had spent too much money on nonsense (alcohol and stuff) that I could have spent on activities with the kids. I also felt like, (and of course I had fun last night), but I felt like I had wasted money on nothing, that I should not had gone, that I should focus on going the gym, being there for my kids, and not go out, get wasted and act like a teenager.
Then put this in the front of your mind, and if you're tempted again then remember this incident and how it made you feel.
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Then I went to take a shower. Unpacked my back and her phone was on the counter. I couldn't resist (yep not detached), So I glanced at the screen, and behold, there was 3 snapchats from OM just 3 minutes old. I know my course is another life without her, but it is damn hard. How can a person sit down in a couch with a family she has broken, and then know, that the OM is texting her, most likely making plans and what not while she sits there and compliments me? Wow....
They can do it because they are in a fog where wrong is right and right is wrong. She thinks her actions are appropriate and justified. Eventually she will probably come out of the fog and realize what a fool she's been, but it'll take a long time for her ti figure that out. All you can do is give her time and space in the meantime.
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I am going to go out again, but I think I am going to quit drinking alcohol for now, because my emotions coupled with alcohol is a bad cocktail.
Personally I've never viewed going to bars as GAL, or at least not beneficial GAL. There are thousands of good, strong, healthy GAL activities you can participate in that will make you a better person. Here are some suggestions reposted by Cadet:
See, I don't think that going out and spending money on your adult time and entertainment is something bad.
I think it is very healthy even for happily married couples. Actually, most happily married couples I know with kids make sure they pay attention to their needs, let lose now and then, and don't feel guilty for dropping some cash on some adult entertainment. The couples I see the most end up here? The ones who enver took time for self care, whatever that may mean to them, didn't nurture their friendships, go out and have a drink every now and then, and revolved their lives around their kids 24/7 and forgot about themselves. My ex left when our daughter was 6 months old and my daughter is now 11 years old. On my non-parenting weekends, I could be out shopping, going to the gym, going out with the girls to a nice dinner and bar and dropping some cash on my adult time that keeps me sane (I earn it, and my daughter goes without nothing). I don't know that I would have even survived these last 11 years if I didn't do that.
But if you don't like to drink, don't. Find other activities you enjoy with adults. GAL is beneficial as you see yourself having fun. If you like to shoot the sh!t with the guys and are a social guy and watching a game at bar while sipping on a diet coke, well, then, it's as beneficial GAL as anything. It's what makes you happy and feeds your soul. Now, if nothing except spending time with your kids feeds your soul, well, then I guess that's what you do.
Just spin your focus on you and what feeds your soul.
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