13 years and 2 kids pt. 3.

[Hurt213]

Journal:

So yesterday went by quickly. I have been thinking a lot about me, and how I have been "trying to fake it, but without wanting to make it" up until now.

I realize, that by distancing me, by giving her space, and by not interacting with her, I opened up a window of opportunity, that many of you vets commented on. I however did not stay the course, and I failed the temp-checks on my birthday.

I have been thinking about past-present and onwards. I realize now, that what I must do, is get back on that track. Be kind, be upbeat, be a cool and loving dad. I must be the man, only a fool would leave, and she must see, that she is that fool. I think she began seeing that, but I expected things, I reacted to those expectations not being fulfilled, and that was my wrong doing.

So I guess that, I after my birthday began the journey back. The journey to becoming a person I am proud of, a person my kids can be proud of, and those should be my goals, they shouldn't include her at all. I am going to really make an effort into finding that track, that put me on the road to detachment. I am going to be mysterious, and I am going to enjoy myself while I do it. Scarce communication unless it is regarding kids. I won't react to her arguments / insults, I will walk away. I will however enforce my boundary about telling her when she disrespects me, and that I think I deserve more, and then I will leave the room.

Here is to getting a new start, and finding my path again. It seems, whenever I manage to get myself away from her, and doing everything my brain tells me I shouldn't, because then she is free do just leave, then she suddenly realizes that I am not her PLAN B, that I am not available, and that makes her really come to me. She wants to chat, she asks random questions that doesn't matter and wants to talk about things that she could easily sort herself. She texts, she makes me morning coffee, she makes dinner. <-- My task is not put believe that these actions are because she wants to be with me, but merely because she is checking if I have checked out.

Plan:

-180 on things I dislike about my self.
-180 on my need to try and "stop" her relationship with OM (I need to let it happen, and to either let it crash and burn or flourish). Either way, I wouldn't want her back unless she comes back out of love.

-GAL, I am going to not include alcohol in my GAL life for the time being, as I don't see it having a good impact on myself in my current emotional state. I need to clear my head. Luckily I do have a lot of activities I do, that doesn't include drinks. I won't exclude myself from GAL activities that include drinking, but hey, whats wrong with having a non-alcoholic drink with friends? .

- Detach, I basically will be there for "WE", and WE does now count me and the children. I will listen to WW talk and validate if needed, but she will be the one engaging these interactions, not me. I will be happy, content, and I will try to be out of the house when the kids are sleeping. I will go by the mindset of being the AMOAFWL. I will let WW have her own life, not control her, not judge her, and not tell her what I think is right or wrong (unless she breaks the aforementioned boundary), because, it is her choice, her life and her decisions that she has to live by.

The house will sell, We won't spend christmas and new years together (I decided that). I don't think she can have family times like these with me anymore since she broke the family. It hurts, but it will get better.

Maybe down the road things will be different. Well, they will be, question is what they will look like.

Just my thoughts from the past week.

/H