Thanks, (((DV))). I’m glad at least someone hears me, so I don’t totally feel like I’m shouting / crying into the wind.
Boy did my heart sink when the date flashed on my iPad to Monday, December 10th.
I’ll do my best to give her the space that she needs.....but right now I feel like such a fraud.
Co-workers? Things are fine.
Extended family? Things are fine.
Friends? Things are fine.
Students? Things are fine.
Pretend like nothing’s wrong. It’s one thing to be a teacher where the job is isolating enough because of the long hours and personal / professional boundaries I have to maintain. But then to effectively be isolated at home, too.
In my darker moments (like 10 minutes ago), I sometimes run through the what-ifs....
Maybe I shouldn’t have married W? What if I married someone else—why did I pass up all those other women at various points in my life? God how F-ing stupid I was not to see that that girl was into me and I couldn’t or wouldn’t cash it in. Would this still be happening to me? Maybe, maybe not.
And then I also think about....’you know what, maybe I do want her to pull the plug on this if she’s that unhappy. She can take her chances elsewhere. And so can I. She wants to nuke this and leave, then I’ll push for an annulment and hope that it will be granted so I can be free (in time) to date and marry some young, hot, faithful Catholic honey who would be worthy of me, respect marriage and actually be proud to bear me children and help me raise them. I’m only 35, have a good stable job where I work with kids in which I am well-established, successful and respected, helped create and raise 2 beautiful kids of my own, have a pretty decent moral code and no serious vices, and am pretty decent-looking. Sure I have some things to work on, but maybe her doing this in my mid-30s could be a great favor for me. Sure it would be awful, especially with respect to parenting and the kids, but maybe since she travels so much for work and does outearn me than the courts will order her to pay and I’ll get more favorable custody and this and that and the other....’
And then I snap back into reality.
That while I wouldn’t be going through this if I didn’t marry her, I also wouldn’t have these kids, especially the ball of joy and love that is YS.
Welp. Off to bed. At least for a little while, and then back at it.
